Drugs or Me
by louise17116
Summary: In Spencer's world everything is wrong but maybe Ashley can make everything right again. Falling in love tends to make things more than right. Give it shot if you want. Hope you like it. Ratings will go from T to M.
1. Caution Bridge May Be Icy

**Author's Note:** I know I haven't written anything in a while but I've been having the urge to write again. I'm not adding to my other stories at this time but this time though I want to write about me if that makes any sense. I'm not half assing my writing I'm writing things I've been through and what I feel. It's a story about love it's not all about drugs so don't listen to the title. I just want to tell what I've been through what drugs can do to a person. And I also want to show that there are people who will stick by you no matter what. But most of all I want to show how love can change a person. I know you all came here for the love ;) So this is me. And although this is me telling how I feel this story is NOT accurate to the things I've actually gone through. This is NOT my life story. This is just me saying how I feel. Similar situations have occurred in my own life but they are NOT the same. Things have been changed around so this is in no way my life story. So anyway I hope you enjoy it and it's somewhat interesting.

**Drugs or Me**

Chapter One: Caution Bridge May Be Icy

I remember the day I met her. January the third 2010. It was cold as fuck, chilly enough to see my breath and hear the frozen grass literally crack underneath my bare feet. I was doing one of my rebellious barefoot walks, which was pretty common nowadays for me. Okay so maybe I was doing it to piss off my family and it was probably also because I didn't care about myself or anyone else and I wanted an escape. That painful numbing feeling in my toes and feet felt good. Crazy I know, but it felt like I don't know relief and some sort of calming effect.

My nose was running and I had the "sniffles". The ice cold wind felt as if it were taking deep cuts into my skin but it wasn't unwelcomed by me. There was this misty rain coming down, not too much but not a small amount either; so my clothes were a little damp but again I didn't really mind. It was only about seven twenty three p.m. but the sky was a dark grayish white. I remember I was wearing blue sweat pants with the pockets sticking out and my pant legs pulled up to my calves. I had on a tight gray jacket and my hood up with only a white tank top underneath. I had my jacket zipped up to the middle of my stomach and my white tank top was beginning to become see through but I didn't care.

I was pretty much walking mindlessly in the street. Just simply looking down at my feet and then out of nowhere I hear this loud car horn and then all of this water splashes all over me literally drenching my clothes. It was as if someone just dumped a huge bucket of icy water over my head.

"What the fuck," I yell angrily. I shake some of the water off the sleeves of my jacket.

I look up and see a black Porsche stopped in front of me. The windows are tinted black so I can't see the idiot driver.

I kick the front of the car which wasn't an intelligent decision since I have no shoes on but I don't let it show that it hurt.

"Hey asshole wanna watch where you're driving," I shout, kicking the car again. As I do this the driver's door swings open.

"Wanna stop hitting my car," a female voice replies in a frustrated tone.

A girl steps out of the Porsche and closes the door behind her. She appears to be very young probably about my age. She's wearing a jean skirt and a short sleeve black shirt with a pair of tennis shoes nothing too special. She has dark brown raven colored hair that's a little curly and her side bangs are somewhat covered by the tan hat she's wearing. There's black square sunglasses covering her eyes but she soon takes them off and that's when I see her eyes. They're brown eyes. You would say what's the big deal they're just brown eyes and a lot of people have brown eyes it's not uncommon. That's what most people say when they see brown eyes. They say they're just brown eyes. But hers, they're not _just_ brown eyes. They're unlike any brown eyes I've ever seen. They stand it's almost like they just "pop". That's not all. They're quite piercing. Yeah some eyes are piercing but hers really are. It's like she's able to see what the human eye can't fully see. I don't know I can't explain it but I don't like at all how she's staring at me.

"Wanna learn how to drive," I say. She rolls her eyes and places a hand on her hip.

"Are you okay," she asks irritated but somewhat concerned.

"What do you think?! You almost hit me with your fucking car!" She scoffs at me and yet again rolls those brown eyes.

"Look are you okay or not," she asks impatiently.

"Just fine," I tell her sarcastically, "Now fuck off," I begin to walk away.

"Hey! Where are you going," she questions.

"That's really none of your business," I snap.

"Where are your shoes?" Frustrated I turn around to yell at her but the weird look she's giving me as she stares at my bare feet makes me pause. I lean on my left foot somewhat uncomfortably.

"I lost them," I lie. She doesn't seem to buy it but she doesn't question it.

"How far away is your house from here?" I look in the direction of where I live. I know what she's getting at.

"I don't want a ride home," I say sternly.

"Who says I was offering to drive you home," she quirks an eyebrow. I sigh loudly as if this conversation is taking an exhausting toll on me but answer her question regardless.

"Fifteen miles that way," I nod with my head in the direction I came from. She raises her eyebrows at me studying me with those eyes.

"Hmmm you're a whiles away from home," she finally says.

"Yup," I cross my arms over my chest pretending not to care. She studies me once again with her gaze, which is beginning to become very uncomfortable and irritating.

"Okay. Hop in," she says after a few seconds. I watch confused as the stranger begins walking back to her car. I remain in my spot completely unmoving. Who does she think she is?!

"I don't even know you and I'm not getting in a car that you just tried to hit me with," I scoff.

"Okay one I wasn't trying to hit you, and two I'm not leaving you out here in the rain bare foot when it's practically fifty degrees," she says matter-of-factly, which just pisses me off.

"Well I'm not going with you," I state turning my back to her and walking away.

I continue to walk further and further away from where I originally came from not really knowing where I'm going to now. I'm surprised though when I hear footsteps trailing behind me.

I look over my shoulder to see the persistent stranger following me. Annoyed I walk faster.

"Stop following me." She picks up her pace and continues to follow.

"I wouldn't have to if you'd just get in my car," she tells me. I look back at her car and notice that the headlights are on. Fucking idiot left her car running in the middle of the street. Well it's not my fault if her car gets stolen or she gets a ticket.

I don't answer her I just keep walking but after ten minutes of her following me I'm really starting to get pissed.

"Will you just leave me the fuck alone," I scream in her face. She's surprised at my sudden outburst but stands her ground.

"Just let me drive you home," she says.

"I don't want to go home and I especially don't want to go anywhere with you so fuck off!"

I storm off and leave her there and am relieved when I no longer hear footsteps following me. The peaceful silence doesn't stay for long. I hear her jogging behind to catch up to me. She quickly catches up so we're walking side by side. I turn to her about to completely lose it when I notice she has her shoes in her hand along with her socks tucked inside a shoe. Confused I look down at her feet and sure enough she's walking barefoot just like me. Not knowing what to say I look down at the ground trying to pretend she's not there. Feeling a little guilty I glance at her bare feet for a moment then back at mine. I didn't tell her to follow me she chose to on her own it's not my fault.

Slowly it's as if my entire body is coming to life. Goosebumps rise up all over my skin in an instant making me realize just how cold it is. The wet clothes I'm wearing aren't helping at all. They're completely soaked not protecting me from the harsh wind but only helping fuel the wind making it feel that much fiercer against my skin. I'm trying my best to keep my teeth from chattering and my body from shivering. I practically wince when I feel this sharp pain shoot up my legs. My feet feel like they're on fire and as if there are thousands of cuts covering them. Every step I take is even worse than the last. Alarmed I look down at them wondering what's the cause of this sudden throbbing pain. My feet are completely red and a bit puffy but there appears to be nothing seriously wrong with them. I'm walking barefoot on the cement just like I was before nothing has changed.

I look at the stranger beside me and notice she has goose bumps on her skin as well. She's shivering and her teeth are chattering a little but she's trying to clench her jaw shut. Every time she takes a step it's slow and cautious like she's bracing herself. Her feet must hurt too.

Without a word I turn around and begin walking back to her car. She follows seemingly taken back but says nothing. After a while her car is back in view. It's still running in the middle of the street untouched. She jogs ahead of me and opens the passenger's door. I get inside the Porsche and she closes it behind me. A few seconds later and she gets in as well. She reaches for her seat belt and as it clicks in place she looks at me expectantly. Understanding what she wants I buckle up. She turns the heat on high and adjusts the blowers so they're on me and my feet and then we drive off.

"I'm Ashley. Everyone calls me Ash though," she says.

"Spencer," I reply looking out the window.

"Spencer...it fits you," she says looking over at me for a moment with those curious eyes again, "I'll call you Spence."

Spence...my parents used to call me that when I was a little girl. Not anymore though.

Just remembering the nickname my parents gave me brings back good feelings and happy memories of what used to be. But remembering what I had brings regret of what I don't have now.

**Author's Note:** I know it was short but I don't know just tell me what you thought. If you like it that's cool and if you don't that's cool too.


	2. You're Not You

**Author's Note:** Thanks for reading and reviewing. It might be weird but I'll always individually thank you for reviewing and reading you don't have to reply to me I just think it's polite to say thank you. Yeah I know I'm a nerd and loser but I like to be polite. Anyways I'm glad you like chapter one well here's chapter two so I guess tell me what you think. Thanks for reading guys.

**Guest-** Thanks! Glad you liked it. Thanks for reading!

**gina 32-** Lol true I wasn't even really thinking about that I just picked Spencer to have the problems cuz I'm blonde too and I guess also too cuz it's not expected of her. And also because Ashley reminds me of the girl I thought about when I wrote it. So she's automatically going to be Ashley of course! Thanks so much. Lol actually it is done I was going to remove it and make a story of a bunch of one shots. I'll post that one in the new story (The title is Fooked cuz Fanfic won't let me swear) but I won't write any other one shots till I see if my girlfriend's cool with it. She is my inspiration :D Thanks for reading!

**Dominomino-** I plan to continue it not sure how consistent I'll be but I def wanna finish this one for sure. Thanks so much for reading and I'm glad you liked it!

**lovegun1983-** Lol so far so good I hope I can keep it good. Thanks for reading!

**Godlove-** I appreciate it. Thanks for reading!

**Drugs or Me**

Chapter Two: You're Not You

The car ride was filled with silence. I could feel her looking at me a few times but she wouldn't say anything and I wouldn't take my eyes off my window to ask her about it.

"So we're here," she says.

"Kay," I say awkwardly.

I've been zoning out just staring blankly at my window throughout the entire drive. I take the moment to actually survey where I'm at. I'm shocked to see we just drove through a huge black gate. I look ahead and there's a huge mansion. I'm sure my jaw drops a little but I quickly regain my composure and pretend as if we're not approaching a big ass mansion.

Ashley pulls up the driveway and shuts off the car.

"So uh this is my house," she motions to the mansion. I give her a "what the fuck look" but she seems to expect it.

She gets out of the car and opens my door for me.

"Coming?" I get out and follow the stranger up the porch and into the massive house. The inside is even more impressive than the outside but I try my best not to show like I care.

She disappears without a word. I'm just standing by the doorway in this massive house. I wrap my arms around myself looking around anxiously. My clothes are dripping water all over the floor and I have no idea what to with myself. It feels like I don't belong here and there's no reason I should be in this house right now. I feel so out of place. I'm starting to wonder if anyone else lives here. It'd be so weird if someone walked by while I'm awkwardly standing here. Oh yeah hi I came from outside and yes I am barefoot and my clothes are completely drenched it's not like it's raining outside and utterly cold or anything, walking around barefoot is normal hope you don't mind that I'm dripping water all over your thousand dollar floors!

I contemplate leaving when Ashley walks back into the room with a bunch of towels in hand.

"Come over here Spence." Wordlessly I follow her into what appears to be the living room. She sets the towels on the couch at looks at my wet clothes.

"Here let me take your jacket." I nervously unzip the rest of it and hand it to her. While running a hand through my wet hair I catch her staring at me weirdly but she quickly looks away and puts my jacket on the glass table then wraps a towel around my shoulders. I grab the ends of the towel and wrap it tightly around me.

"Uh we should probably get you out of those clothes before you catch a cold," Ashley says. She's just standing there looking at me waiting or something. I give her a strange look.

"Oh uh right follow me," she scratches the back of her neck. Ashley leads me up the stairs and into a room that I figure must be hers.

"Bathrooms right there Spence you can go ahead and shower and I'll find you something nice and warm to wear cool?" I silently nod to her and she seems to accept that as an answer.

I rush into the bathroom and quickly close the door behind me. I strip off my wet clothes pretty much peeling them off my skin in a hurry and leave them on the floor. I figure out how to turn on the huge shower and make sure it's very warm. I step inside, close the curtain, adjust the shower head, and sit down in the tub letting the nice warm water run over my skin. I pull my knees up to my chest and wrap my arms around my legs and bow my head onto my lap just thinking.

The tears that I'm used to start to run down my cheeks and mix in with the water. My body begins to shake a little and I somewhat contain myself by choking back sobs. I'm practically hyperventilating though but I'm used to it. This usually happens after my walks. I go for a walk, come home take a hot shower for over a couple hours, and if that doesn't work I drink or take pills. If it's bad enough I just take a bunch of pills until I pass out.

I slide the shower curtain aside enough so I can reach for my underwear. There's a small bottle of pills hidden inside them. I open the bottle and throw the cap on the tile floor where it makes a clinking sound. I think there's thirteen in there but I honestly can't remember and I don't really care how much is in there at the moment. I tip the bottle into my mouth letting all of the tiny pills slide onto my tongue. I hold the bottle under the stream of water until it fills up completely. I tip the bottle back into my mouth swallowing the water and downing the pills. I close the shower curtain again and drop the bottle in the tub watching it slide down by the drain and stay there. My body stops shaking as soon as I feel the pills go down my throat but the tears are still coming. I lean my head against the tile wall and sigh in relief with the knowledge that the pills will kick in soon. Exhausted from the long walk and crying I close my eyes.

_Flashback five hours ago..._

_"What are you going to do Spencer rely on pills for the rest of your life?! You're taking eleven different medications already! And you're asking your doctor for more pills because you can't deal with life? Eleven different pills Spencer! Eleven! And you want more," my mom yells._

_"I'm trying to get better," I say not fully acknowledging her._

_"Pills don't make you better Spencer Carlin. You don't want to get better and you're never going to try because you want an escape and these pills give you just that. You're acting just like your brother." My head shoots up glaring at her now giving her my full attention._

_"I'm not Glen mom I'm me! I'm Spencer," I raise my voice._

_"Well you're acting like him and you're making the same mistakes he did and going down the same path," she challenges as if she knows everything._

_"I'm not Glen," I scream. I have my fists clenched so tightly that I can feel a pulse in both of them beating up my arms. _

_"No? Then how come when I was in your room yesterday I saw that a pill bottle you got three days ago was more than half empty? I checked today and it's completely empty," she says pulling out an empty pill bottle._

_"You went in my room?!" She doesn't seem to see it as invading someone's space._

_"I also noticed that there's a pill bottle missing. And it just so happens to be a bottle of pills that make you a bit "drowsy". Where are they Spencer?"_

_"I lost them I don't know where they are," I yell. My mom opens her mouth to yell but pauses and closes it then takes a deep breath._

_"Spencer Marie Carlin I will only repeat myself one more time. Where is the pill bottle," she asks in a calm manner._

_"I told you I don't know where they are!" She shakes her head and drops the empty pill bottle on the floor. _

_"Empty your pockets."_

_"You're kidding right," I ask in disbelief._

_"No I'm not. Empty them," she says firmly._

_"You want them empty? Fine!" I reach into my pants pocket grabbing the only thing in either of my pockets which is my phone. I chuck the phone on the floor making it bounce and the screen shatter. I grip the insides of my pockets and pull them out and shake them frantically._

_"See mom? Nothing in them!" She folds her arms across her chest clearly not even believing my very existence right now. I take it a step further and unzip my jacket grab the sides of it and shake it viciously. I carelessly zip it back up so it's zipped at the middle of my stomach. I bend down and pull each individual pant leg up and shake my legs then pull the pants back down so they're under my knees. I'm huffing puffing waiting for an apology._

_"What about the jacket pockets," she nods with her head. My throat gets really dry and I can't even talk. Without a word I pull out the jacket pockets and shake them as well. Nothing's in them. There's no trust in her eyes at all and it's clear as day on her face that she thinks I'm a liar. No it's like she knows I'm a liar without any proof of her accusations she just assumes she's right._

_"Take off your bra," she says in a plain tone. My eyes begin to burn and my lips quiver a little because I don't know what to say. My dad walks into the room. My heart swells with hope that he'll put an end to this nonsense immediately._

_"What's going on," he asks my mom. She sighs in frustration as she looks at me then motions to the pill bottle on the floor. He follows her motion and sees the empty orange bottle lying on the floor. He shakes his head and turns to walk away._

_"Dad..." I plead, a few tears escaping my eyes. He looks back at me with a cold blank stare. His eyes looking right into mine but it seems as if I'm invisible and he's looking right through me. _

_"I don't trust you Spencer." His voice is so firm and clear not shaking or wavering. No sympathy or emotion. It takes the air right out of my lungs and leaves me breathless. And with that he walks away leaving my mom and me alone again. _

_"Spencer I'm trying to help now take off th-." I reach under my clothes behind my back and undo the clip to my bra. I work it around and finally get it off and throw it onto the floor. My mom looks at it then kicks at it. Nothing's in it. _

_I look at her my face stained with tears, my nose running, my heart racing, my throat completely dry feeling as if someone were strangling me, and my chest so tight like someone is squeezing the life out of me. I'm just begging her with my eyes to stop this begging her to do something and make it all go away and just make it all better. Just begging her to hold me tightly and close to her and tell me it'll be okay just like she did when I was little._

_But I guess...sometimes family isn't always there to make it better..._

_"Are you hiding the pills in your underwear Spencer?" Not even missing a beat._

_I couldn't even yell her at her if I wanted to. I can't muster up the strength to open my mouth and challenge her. It's like I have no voice. I just simply look at her for a moment trying to remind myself that this woman is my mother. I'm angry though…so angry. I use my sleeve to wipe the tears off my face and turn to walk out the front door not even bothering to put on my shoes._

_"You're not leaving Spencer. Don't walk away from me," she demands. I look over my shoulder at her._

_And if they're not there for you...then who is..._

_"Fuck you." And with that I walk out the door and slam it shut behind me._

_I see it's raining and it's starting to get dark but I don't give a fuck. I just start walking away from home not caring where I end up._

_"Spencer?" I ignore her._

"Spence?" My eyes shoot open at the nickname and I sit up in the tub.

"Uh yeah," I say clearing my throat remembering where I am.

"Oh uh I'm just setting some clothes on the counter for you to wear."

"Oh thanks Ash." Shit! I just called her Ash. I want to slap my forehead for calling her Ash.

"Well it's no problem Spence." I can hear the smile in her voice. First time I showed her any recognition.

"Fuck," I mutter. I don't want her thinking we're friends because we're not. I don't know her. She sure as hell doesn't know me and she won't get to know me because I don't want to know her.

I hear the bathroom door close and sigh in relief. I sit in the tub letting the water run over me for about ten more minutes and that's when I start to feel a little dizzy.

I get out of the tub not bothering to turn off the water and slowly put on the clothes Ashley laid out. They're nice and warm. A nice warm hoody and tank top with flannel pajama bottoms. I stumble a little and quickly grab onto the counter to steady myself. I wipe the fog off the mirror and see my reflection and give it a slight goofy grin. My reflection's getting fuzzy though and slowly getting blurrier. I blink my eyes a few times and then my reflection in the mirror is gone and so is everything else. It's just pitch black...

**Author's Note:** Hope you liked it. I'd just like to say in my closing though that pill abuse or any drug abuse for that matter is a serious issue. I really struggled with it and I still struggle with it but I am so proud to say I haven't abused any medication or drugs or alcohol for over four months. I'm drug free Some people may not see taking an extra pill or two as a bad thing but it really truly can be. I have permanent damage to my body because I abused medication. Nothing too serious but it could have been. And I'm not saying we're the same because everyone is different. What really helped me to overcome my addiction is telling people how I feel. Lame I know but it helps to surround yourself with people that actually care about you and love you. If you want to talk about it you can PM me or just message me through reviewing. Sometimes you need people not to judge you for the wrong things you're doing and the wrong things you've done; sometimes you just need someone to treat you like you for who you are as a person and not for what you've done. I really struggled with abusing medication and I'm here if anyone needs to talk. I thank God every day I have my beautiful wonderful girlfriend in my life. She helped me to be a better person and she loves me for me and doesn't see me as some kind of drug addict. She sees me for me and she loves me for me. She's my hero lol. I love you baby Thanks guys. If you know someone who's struggling with abusing medication reach out to them it's good to have a friend. And if you're struggling with abusing medication yourself reach out to someone you trust and tell them what's going on there's always someone who will be there for you.


	3. Stranger in My Bed

**Author's Note:** Thanks for reading and reviewing. It might be weird but I'll always individually thank you for reviewing and reading you don't have to reply to me I just think it's polite to say thank you. Yeah I know I'm a nerd and loser but I like to be polite. Anyways I'm glad you like chapter one and two well here's chapter three so I guess tell me what you think. Thanks for reading guys!

**Guest-** Thanks! Glad you liked it. Thanks for reading!

**gina 32-** Lol true I wasn't even really thinking about that I just picked Spencer to have the problems cuz I'm blonde too and I guess also too cuz it's not expected of her. And also because Ashley reminds me of the girl I thought about when I wrote it. So she's automatically going to be Ashley of course! Thanks so much. Lol actually it is done I was going to remove it and make a story of a bunch of one shots. I'll post that one in the new story (The title is Fooked cuz Fanfic won't let me swear) but I won't write any other one shots till I see if my girlfriend's cool with it. She is my inspiration :D Thanks for reading!

**Dominomino-** I plan to continue it not sure how consistent I'll be but I def wanna finish this one for sure. Thanks so much for reading and I'm glad you liked it!

**lovegun1983-** Lol so far so good I hope I can keep it good. Thanks for reading!

**Godlove-** I appreciate it. Thanks for reading!

**A Mind That Sits Still- **I'll give it a listen to and tell you what I think. It actually sounds really familiar. Thanks I hoped it wasn't too dramatic. Um honestly I'm not quite sure yet. Spencer's POV was and is my POV emotion wise. And Ashley's character is someone else's POV so I wouldn't really know what she's thinking but I know what her actions would be. So I guess for rn it will be Spencer's POV at least for the next following chapters. Hope that's okay. I'll write on the top in parentheses if the POV isn't the same.

**Anjela78-** Hi there. Thank you so much. All I want to do is write sincerely about how I felt so I'm doing my best to put that in. I want to convey what I was feeling regardless if this story isn't one hundred percent accurate to what I've really been through. The whole point is to describe the emotions. Thanks it's good to have people rooting for me. Lol I'm using Google translate right now so I hope you meant a strong woman and not a strong man because I am a girl. You're absolutely right. And life is too short so I'm not holding back. Don't ever give up on those people just be there for them. Don't push it to a far extent with them just be there even if they say they don't need you because they probably do. I'm glad you seem so nonjudgmental that's a very good character trait to have. It is taught in some schools but most kids think I won't have an addiction I don't abuse it but there's always the possibility it could lead to something worse. No thank you for your kind words. It's good to know there are people out there who want to make a good change and be there for those in need. Thank you so much I wish you the same and more my girlfriend def needs it too she's not feeling to well today. As for you I hope you can find what you lost and pray that you will continue to be there for those in need. I believe you are already a good person like the parents who really try. Not everyone can be selfless and see someone for just who they are. Thank you so much and thanks for reading!

**ItsMeCharlee-** Thank you I truly do appreciate it. It was tough and there are times where it still is really tough but I don't want to go back to that I don't like who I was or the things I did. And good for you for the no drinking or drugs even if you don't have an addiction lol. Right Spencer is going to be a bitch for the next few chapters but I just want to convey the emotion you know. Def. Thanks for reading!

**Drugs or Me**

Chapter Three: Stranger in My Bed

Ugghh my head is killing me. I move just a little and my whole stomach flips and my head starts pounding and feels as if it weighs more than an elephant. Fuck! My hand immediately shoots up to my head to grab it in hope that it'll somehow help the tremendous migraine but I doubt it. I grip my hair tightly in my fingers pushing my fist against my head.

Very slowly and cautiously I turn onto my side. I open my eyes squinting. Everything's blurred together fuzzily and extremely bright. I can't see a thing except bright blurred colors. I shut my eyes tightly and adjust my body on the bed slightly. I don't even remember how I got in my bed.

After sitting still for a few minutes I start to realize that this doesn't feel like my bed at all. I shift a little and sure enough prove my suspicion that this isn't my bed. That knowledge freaks me out because if I'm not in my house then where the fuck am I?

I quickly try to remember what happened in the previous hours but just like my vision everything's fuzzy. What the fuck did I do? I fought with mom…right…then I left and…then I went for a walk…where did I go to…

Needing to know where I'm at I open my eyes in a panic even though it's quite painful and makes my head throb. I can see a dark blurry figure in front of me. No doubt it's a person.

I blink rapidly each time making the room somewhat clearer.

"You know it's not cool to pass out in a stranger's bathroom when you're a guest in their house." Ashley! That's right! I went to her house so I must be in her bed. Shit I have to get out of here.

I sit up in a panic but I can barely muster up enough strength to do that. Fuck my head hurts. A hand comes into view and pushes gently but with enough force to push me back down onto the bed.

"Lay down." What the fuck like hell I will!

I use all of my strength and push up against her hand but after doing that it leaves my body with no energy, regardless though I force my body to move. Before I can get off the bed a body sits on top of my waist and two firm hands push me back onto the bed once again.

"You're not good at listening and following orders are you?" Orders? Orders my ass I'm not staying in this bed! Who the fuck does she think she is?

"Fucking get off," I yell trying to push her off. She grabs onto my wrists and sits unmoving on top of me.

"Would you just sit still? You're going to hurt yourself," she explains holding my wrists tightly in her hands.

"Move!"

"No! Sit still!"

"Who the fuck do you think you are," I question angrily.

"I think I'm the one who carried you to bed and stayed up all night making sure you were okay!" I stop fighting her but continue to glare at her and make it apparent I'm not happy. She let's go of my wrists finally.

"I didn't ask you to do that," I snarl.

"And I didn't ask you to pop a bunch of pills and pass out in my bathroom." She's such a smartass.

"Whatever can you fucking get off of me now you're heavy as fuck!" She rolls her eyes but doesn't move.

"Only if you promise to sit still and stay in bed," she states clearly. What? No way!

"No! What the fuck get off," I squirm.

"Look I'm trying to help! I'm not calling the police or calling your mom or anything so just shut up okay?" I stop squirming but remain irritably silent.

"I know you're not feeling well and moving around isn't helping you at all so just calm down," she tells me in a softer tone. She studies my face for reassurance with her vibrant eyes. As I'm lying there I take notice of how terrible and sick I actually feel. She is right I feel like complete shit. But she's a complete stranger I can't trust a fucking stranger…I'm not well enough to move so I'm pretty much screwed. Fuck my life.

Reluctantly I nod my head and she finally gets off of me but watches me carefully just in case I try to make another escape.

"Go back to sleep," she says getting under the covers with me. What the hell?

"How am I supposed to sleep with you in bed with me?!"

"Give it a few minutes you'll pass out," she says getting comfy. Ugh she's unbelievable.

After twenty minutes she appears to have fallen asleep. Quietly and slowly I sit up and prepare to get out of the bed. No matter how much it's hurting me I can't stay here.

As I'm about to get out of the bed I get yanked backwards by my shirt. I'm on my back again and there's weight on my hips again. I assume Ashley's straddling my hips like before but when I look down she's laying across my body sideways with her feet dangling off the bed. Oh hell no!

"Seriously? Get off!" In response I hear loud obnoxious snoring that's clearly fake!

"Oh come on you did not fall asleep that fast!" More snoring…

"I know you can hear me Ashley!" More fake snoring. She's so stubborn!

"You fucking suck!" And elbow hits my knee following my comment.

"Ow bitch!" Fuck this sucks and this is so fucked up. Some girl I don't even know is lying on top of me that's just fucking awesome.

I lay on my back for several minutes being defiant and staying awake. Soon though I start to get sleepy and my eyes are closing even though I'm keeping them open they seem to have a mind of their own. I even try to shake my head a little but that only makes me dizzy. I try to tell myself this bed isn't comfy, I'm not warm and toasty, and I'm not sleepy but I am pretty tired and for whatever reason I do seem to be falling asleep.

I'm falling asleep so easily though something I'm not used to unless I fill my body with pills. It's kind of a nice feeling though, remembering exactly what you were doing before you pass out.

Everything's going black again just like before. The only difference is I'm actually falling asleep on my own.

**Author's Note:** Hope you guys enjoyed it. And yeah I know it was short but I figured you'd rather read at least something rather than wait. And again pill abuse or any other drug abuse for that manner is a serious thing. If you need to talk PM me I'm here to listen and share my own experience. Thanks guys!


	4. Nobody's Home

**Author's Note:** Hey guys this chapter's a little longer than the last I hope you like it. Thank you all who have continued to read it means a lot. I'm writing as me if that makes sense so it's a bit nerve wrecking putting what I feel out there. Anyways one of the readers brought to my attention music that fits with my story. A song that perfectly fits with how Spencer feels (how I felt) is Avril Lavigne's Nobody's Home. It's a great song. If you don't really see how it fits I can explain it. So if you like to have music fit with what you're reading that's perfect. Anyways hope you like it. Bad storm and the power's flickering so hopefully this posts properly.

**Godlove-** Thank you very much!

**xyepx-** Thanks! Thanks for reading as well!

**gina-** Thanks I try to be funny. Well I hope she is. Lol I'm flattered but I'm taken and very much in love plus my girl gets very jealous. I found a gorgeous promise ring with a diamond on it but she says it's too soon :/ Lol that won't stop me I'll get her to say yes. I've got something really special planned out it's corny and romantic but I don't know I hope she likes it. Wish me luck I could really use it. Lol oh yeah? I have a number one fan for life now? I must be pretty awesome :P Thanks for reading number one fan! Lol hey no worries. My girlfriend likes to think she's in charge I'll make sure she plays nice.

**A Mind That Sits Still-** Yes I have heard this song before and I do like it. It's a good song but I don't really listen to it too much. Don't get me wrong I like the song and I listen to any kind of music even sad songs. But some songs are just too sad for me if that makes sense. I do love the song though; good choice in music. Lol good. Something like that. I'm really sorry that that happened no one should have to go through that ever. It's real tough losing someone and even harder under such circumstances. As for your dad I'm really truly sorry. My own brother tried to commit suicide a few times and one of the times it was my fault because I told him to kill himself. I was so angry at him that day and a few hours later he had tried to kill himself. So trust me I know suicide isn't an easy topic. But I do have to say congrats for you. You could've done drugs after all of the hurt you went through and are probably still going through but instead you take what you went through and see the negative of it so that's something to be proud of. Turning to drugs never makes life easier. Thanks! And thanks for reading also. I hope you like this chapter too.

**ItsMeCharlee-** Good I figured you guys would like at least some of it you know. Spencer is addicted to the medication she's taking but the meds that she's taking can be considered drugs. What she's taking is sold on the streets and used to get high so it's both I guess you could say. Lol def don't we all? No problem thanks and thanks for reading!

**Anjela78- **No problem. You're really wise and know what you're saying. If you don't mind me asking how old are you? You remind me of my Slovakian friend. She's such a sweet girl but so innocent. You've been through a lot I'm sure but you have like this innocence about you. It's a good thing to have. Lol my time isn't that valuable but thank you very much I appreciate it. Thanks for reading!

**who cares-** Uh huh says Mr. Who Cares! Lol jk like the screen name you put that's awesome.

**Guest-** Thanks for reading!

**Drugs or Me**

Chapter Four: Nobody's Home

It's like an on button is pushed making me become alert and aware of my body but not in a panicked or rushed manner. Like when a street light gets turned on when it's too dark. It's on but it flickers for a while building up energy before it's completely on. That's how I feel right now. My body's adjusting and becoming aware. It's sort of a weird feeling but it's not a bad feeling. Waking up is what you call it I suppose.

My eyes open and the first thing I do is glance down at my lower half and I'm relieved when I don't find Ashley lying across my body. That leads me to wonder where she's at. As I sit up I'm feeling a lot better than I was when I fell asleep. My head hurts but it pretty much always does that. She's nowhere in the room. Thank God. I can sneak out without being noticed if I hurry.

Immediately I search her room for my clothes. As I'm searching her dresser I notice a photo sitting on top of it. There's nothing strange about it, it just catches my eye. It's a picture of Ashley with another girl. Ashley's got her arm wrapped around her shoulder and they both have big smiles on their faces. The other girl is a little bit taller with white blond hair and green eyes.

"You are the worst guest I've ever had." Startled I turn around to find Ashley leaning against the doorway studying me with those chocolate brown eyes with a smirk on her lips and her eyebrows arched, which I've noticed she does it a lot absentmindedly. Fuck now I can't sneak out.

"I was just-."

"Snooping," she cuts me off arching an eyebrow.

"No," I say defensively. She grins at me in return.

"Then what exactly were you doing," she inquires making her way towards me.

"I'm trying to find my clothes." She closes her dresser drawers then faces me.

"Well they aren't in there. They're in the dryer. I washed them for you." Dammit. Of course she did. What's this chicks deal?

"Why would you wash them I didn't ask you to," I say angrily.

"In a hurry," she giggles. I glare at her as I walk past her and out her bedroom door. I don't have time for her.

"Hey where are you going," she follows. Ignoring her I make my way down the stairs. I open the front door only to have it slammed shut by those same firm hands that kept me still.

"What are you doing," I growl. She moves in front of the door and folds her arms over her chest.

"Aren't you forgetting something?"

"Keep my clothes I don't care."

"Well I was going to say thank you but that too." I try to push past her but she's almost impossible to move.

"Will you please fucking move!"

"Wow I was positive you didn't know the word please," she snickers. She's such a smartass.

"You can't keep me here. I'll just find another door and leave," I snap.

"I'd like to see you climb over a gate and twelve foot high brick walls." She has to be kidding. I glance out a nearby window and see the brick walls along with the huge black gate. There's no way I can climb over either. She wasn't kidding. She's stronger than me too. There's no way I could overpower her.

"Why won't you let me leave," I sigh in frustration.

"Because your clothes are drying and I can't eat all the food I made by myself." I give her a strange look but as soon as I do I start to smell something sweet. I'm surprised I didn't smell it before. She's such an odd girl and beyond fucking crazy.

"I'm not hungry," I say plainly.

"You may as well eat since you'll be stuck here till your clothes are done," she smirks walking away. I glare at her back hoping she'll burn up. She disappears around the corner leaving me to myself.

After much long thought and consideration I reluctantly follow her and end up in a gigantic kitchen. There's a bug plate on the center of the table full of French toast along with a huge bottle of syrup next to it. She made all that?

"You gonna sit down?" I find Ashley sitting at the table with her own plate of French toast. I ignore her sitting as far away from her as possible. Right away I hear a chair slide against the floor and look up just in time to see Ashley plop down in the chair right next me. Are you serious?

She pulls out an empty plate that was under hers and fills it up with some food. She puts the plate of food in front of me as well as the syrup.

"Eat," she tells me. I ignore her once more and in response she pushes the plate closer to me.

"I'm not hungry," I say firmly.

"I think I hear the dryer going on a second cycle," she says.

"Seriously," I say annoyed. She grins a little but rolls her eyes.

"When's the last time you ate?" I think about it long and hard. It was about…eight hours ago…no that's not right it was…

"Well?" I don't remember.

"I ate a while ago," I lie. She studies me just like before. It bugs me so much.

"Well just in case you should eat now." There's no sarcasm in her voice or anything but I'm positive she knows I'm lying.

"Kay," I say unsure picking up a piece of toast somewhat awkwardly.

We sit in silence for quite some time but she keeps her eyes on me watching me closely. It's bugging me so fucking much but I don't really know what to say to her so I just eat.

"So what kind of pills did you take?" I look up at her shocked completely taken back.

"Um I…" I fumble with my words before I regain my composure.

"That's none of your business," I yell angrily pushing my plate across the table. Ashley follows the plate with her eyes then looks back at me.

"Hey calm down I'm not a cop." She pulls the pill bottle out of her pocket and I immediately and rudely snatch it out of her hand. I give her a vicious look full of anger and hatred.

"Calm down Spence."

"Stop calling me Spence! You don't know me!" She remains quiet examining me once again with those vibrant eyes.

"And stop fucking looking at me like that!"

"Like what," she arches a confused eyebrow.

"Like you're trying figure me out," I scream.

"Why are you getting mad at me? I haven't done anything but be nice to you," she says calmly.

"You…!" She hasn't done anything. She's right. She's just been…nice.

Now I'm the one studying her trying to figure her out. Why am I so angry? Why is she being so nice?

I look down at the table somewhat ashamed at my actions for being so rude to this kind weird stranger.

"Why are you being nice to me," I ask in a small voice unable to look at her.

"It's polite and the right thing to do." Oh. She felt bad for me…

"And you looked like you could use some good company." I look up to find Ashley grinning.

"You call yourself good company," I chuckle softly finding it ironic. She is not good company.

"You don't think I'm good company," she plays along.

"You stalked me, dragged me to your house, restrained me physically, and are continuing to hold me hostage," I say.

"Wow you make me sound terrible."

"You are terrible." She grins at me and rolls her eyes.

"Well you're a terrible guest Spence." Her playful words make me realized again how terrible I've been and for no apparent reason.

"Probably," I admit feeling guilty.

"You always such a downer?" I look back down at the table feeling like a complete ass. I can't help but wonder when I started acting this way. And I can't help but wish this empty pill bottle was full. It's just easier not to think about these things. I look at the empty pill bottle in my hand in desperation.

"Spence?" I need them so bad…fuck.

"Spence." I snap out of it and look up at the voice. Right…Ashley.

"I should get going," I say not meeting her gaze. I just need to get out of here.

"I'm holding you captive remember," she jokes.

"I just need to go I have to get home." I need my pills now.

"Relax Spence I'll take you home as soon as your clothes are done okay," she says in a reassuring voice.

"Kay."

"Do you need to call your parents or anything to let them know you'll be home soon?" Not wanting to talk about my family I change the subject.

"So what high school do you go to," I ask. Ashley laughs loudly before answering.

"I don't go to school," she tells me.

"Oh so you dropped out that's cool."

"No Spence I already graduated. I'm twenty-eight," she chuckles. I stare at her in disbelief. There's no way she's that old. She looks like she goes to high school just like me. She looks so young.

"You look so young."

"Thanks but I still feel old. I figured you were still in high school. So I'm assuming you're eighteen," she says.

"Um yeah just turned eighteen," I tell her feeling the conversation is getting too personal for me.

"Where do you go to school?"

"Um the school up the road." Why does she have to ask such personal questions? I swear she knows no boundaries.

"Southgate high school. That's where I graduated from. Is Mrs. Moore still there," she asks. Who the fuck is Mrs. Moore?

"I don't know who that is." She looks at me in disbelief.

"She's practically the only English teacher. You're guaranteed to have her at least once." I shrug in response.

"She's old and grumpy and very strict. Oh and she has a huge gross purple wart on her hand! You can' forget her once you see her!" You can if you've never seen her.

"No idea," I say. She arches her eyebrows at me not believing that I have no clue who she is.

"I figured she still would've been teaching there. Maybe she retired it has been a few years. Okay so who do you have?" I look away nervously.

"I can't remember their name."

"Oh did the school year just start? No wait you should've already been in school for a few months. You don't remember their name," she asks baffled. Stop asking me questions!

"Uh no I do it's just hard to pronounce," I say awkwardly.

"Oh well sound it out."

"I just said I don't know how to pronounce it," I say getting defensive.

"Well try to sound it out," she pushes.

"I don't want to," I say irritated.

"Okkkaayyyy well then is it a boy or girl? I might remember them."

"I don't know," I finally say. There! Happy?

"You don't know," she inquires curiously.

"No."

"Do you just not go to school or something?"

"No."

"So you go to school but you don't know your teacher's names?" She's so annoying.

"Yes." She's silent for a few seconds.

"Do you know any of your teachers' names," she eventually asks.

"No."

"You're quite…interesting Spence." Interesting? That's what you say when you think someone's fucked up.

"Can I go now?"

"If your clothes are done then yeah I'll give you a ride home." She just won't leave me alone.

"Well can you go check please?"

"Wow Spence we're on a role today with asking nicely," she says walking away. I sit impatiently until she finally comes back with my clothes in hand. I grab the clothes and start to take off the clothes I'm wearing.

"Whoa whoa whoa what are you doing?!" I look up at her flushed face. I was about to lift the shirt over my chest so my bare stomach is showing.

"What?" Seriously what's she gonna complain about now?

"You can't just strip in my kitchen!"

"Why not," I ask irritated just wanting to leave.

"Because! Just pull the shirt back down please!" I sigh annoyed and pull it back down covering my torso back up.

"Just hold onto the clothes and I'll get them from you later." No way I want to see her again.

"No just take them back now so you don't have to worry about them," I insist.

"It's fine." No it's no!

"Well I don't want to have to worry about getting them back to you," I say bluntly. She rolls her eyes smirking slightly. Why does she keep doing that? Such a fucking smartass.

"Keep them Spence." Hell no.

"No that's stupid I can just give them back to you now."

"Well I'm not letting you leave unless you say you'll keep them," she states. Fucking hell what is it with her? She's so fucking stubborn.

"Fine! Can we just go now?!"

"Fine what," she pushes.

"Fine I'll keep the fucking clothes! Can we go now?!"

"Yup," she grins. Fucking finally!

We get outside and I reluctantly get in her car. As soon as the gate opens I attempt to open my door but it won't budge. Assuming it's locked I unlock it and pull the lever again and it still doesn't open. Countless times I play with the lock button trying to open the door. Fucking open!

"Did you fucking child lock my door," I yell facing her.

"Well duh I knew you'd try to escape," she says as if it's normal to lock someone in your car.

"Oh my God you're seriously fucking crazy!"

"Hey I'm not the one who can't remember the names of my teachers." I ignore her and look at the back seat wondering if I can get out one of those doors.

"Don't even try I locked those too." How the fuck does this kind of car even have child lock?!

"I can't fucking stand you," I say angrily.

"Where do you live Spence?" Not wanting her to know where I live I keep my mouth shut looking straight ahead. After ten minutes of silence Ashley flips the radio on. Bruno Mars fills the car. I immediately go to turn the radio off but Ashley has control of the radio on her steering wheel.

"Fine!" I shout out my address and she takes off down the road shutting the radio off.

"That wasn't so hard was it Spence?"

I glare at her the entire drive to my house. She pulls in my driveway even though I tell her not to. She says she wants to make sure I get home safely. Right that's why she wouldn't fucking let me leave her house.

My parents aren't home thankfully they're at work but I can see that Glen's home. I prefer the house to be empty so I don't have to put up with anyone.

I see the blinds moving and Glen appear in the window. His eyes meet mine and he looks upset and disappointed. He closes the blinds and a few seconds later the front door opens.

"I'm guessing that's your brother."

"Yeah," I mumble.

"Does everyone in your family hate me or something? I swear you all glare at me as soon as you see me." Glen steps outside and motions for me with his hand to come inside. Ashley's right Glen is glaring at her.

"Can you let me out," I ask in a low voice.

"Yeah no problem," Ashley says watching me closely with unsure eyes. She unlocks the doors and as I go to open the door Ashley stops me.

"You gonna be okay Spence?" I look back at her and she appears concerned. I don't know why though it's not like it's her problem.

I step out of the car ignoring her like I've done so much the entire time I've been with her. I make my way up the walkway and into the house while Glen holds the door open for me. I hear the door shut behind me and continue to keep my back to Glen. Before I can even go upstairs Glen stops me.

"Where were you?"

"Out," I say turning to meet his gaze.

"Mom has been worried all night Spencer." Of course he takes her side. He always does.

"Well I needed to get out of the house." He shakes his head in disbelief and anger.

"You gotta stop this."

"I'm not doing anything," I tell him.

"You're fucking up just like I did Spencer! I don't want you to be a fuck up and make the same mistakes that I did!"

"I'm not you Glen," I say in a tired voice. I don't even have the strength to argue I just want to take my pills and go to bed.

"You say that but look at you! You're failing school and doing drugs and you don't give a shit about anyone but yourself! You're selfish and only do things for people when you want something in return." He doesn't know everything.

"That's not true."

"Yes it is." No it's not.

"You don't even know how much it kills me to let you guys down," I say with my voice crackling. I wish I could make it all better. I hate myself.

"It doesn't even affect you because you don't give a shit about anyone but you." I do. I really do.

"I care about you guys," I choke out.

"No you don't your love's conditional. You only care when it's gonna benefit you." I love them all so much I do!

"No it's not Glen I swear it's not!" It's not like that. It's never been like that.

"You're full of shit Spencer! You know what I'm done with this," he says walking away. I'm done with me too.

"Glen I'm sorry," I start to cry. He stops and turns back to look at me. He gets up close and personal looking right into my eyes with so much anger. I can feel hot air hitting my face and I can smell his breath. He looks as if he hates me. I honestly believe he truly does hate me.

"Did you know you made mom cry? You're literally killing her. I see her cry every day and it's because of you. I swear to God if I have to see her cry one more time I'll fucking beat the shit out of your pathetic ass. I don't care if you are my sister. She's my mother and she may take your shit but I won't. And that's a promise."

He stares into my eyes with complete rage that for a moment I think he's actually going to hit me making me shutter a little but that doesn't make him back down, in fact he takes a step closer to me. He means every word.

His face is red and he's sweating a little it's like his eyes are going to pop out of his head any second. I've never seen my brother this angry. He's been angry at me before but it's never been directed at me like this before. He's never threatened me like that before either. My own brother just threatened to physically harm me. I mean I'm speechless. I don't know what to say. So I do what I do best. I walk away. He laughs bitterly as if he knew I'd walk away.

I open the front door and step onto the porch tears running down my cheeks. I stand in place when I see Ashley's car is still in the driveway along with her in it. She looks up at me confused and worried but she doesn't move from where she is. And for a moment I let her see me like this my tear stained eyes staring into her worried eyes.

Facing Ashley though feels worse than facing Glen. So I go back inside of the house not turning back to look at the concerned stranger in the car.

I make it upstairs and into my room locking the door behind me. Downing sixteen pills I get in bed under the covers sobbing with my arms wrapped tightly around my body hoping for the pills to make the pain go away. But all the while I can't shake the thought of the way Ashley looked at me.

**Author's Note:** Hope you liked it. And as always I'm here if you want to talk. Thanks for reading.


	5. Slacker

**Author's Note:** Hey I know it's been while but I had finals and then of course thanksgiving I'm terrible I know but you know things happen. Anyways here's the next chapter I hope you like it and I hope you all had a good thanksgiving!

**gina32-** Yeah me too I think it's sweet. Lol corny is dorky but I try to be romantic. Lmao now I gotta know how he asked! If not then I'll show her my crotch and sex her up works every time lol. Thanks number 1 fan!

**A Mind That Sits Still- **Lol I hope that's a good wow. No don't worry you're not confusing me. You shouldn't blame yourself though. To make such a decision as suicide there has to be a lot more going on in their head. Not to mention he chose to do that you didn't make him. You can't feel guilty about that. You can't change what he did but you can learn let go of that guilt. That guilt is going to hold you back and I promise you you'll miss out on some incredible experiences in life if you let that keep you down. I don't really believe you need to forgive yourself I think it's more about forgiving him for what he did. Hey we're all fucked up a little you don't have to be in the mindset that you're prone to do drugs. You're better than that and you know it's wrong. In the long run drugs aren't worth it. Whenever I experience some sort of conflict my first though is to take pills. It's like an instinct and I hate it because I did that to myself. I have a few breakdowns each month where I just cry and shake terribly. It's really not worth it to go there. It won't help. One of kind? Well I don't know about that. Def plus Avril's hot. By the way normal's boring. Thanks for reading

**WordDPlayy-** Thanks I appreciate it. Lol good. Thanks for reading.

**Anjela78-** You're welcome! It's cold and windy here. I almost got blown off the road while I was driving. Ah so you're in your thirties, I figured. Congrats to your dad that's awesome. It's tough but I believe the more you go through the more you know and the more POV's you have. Don't give up on love it's out there that I know for sure. I don't really see my time as precious. I mean if you don't like yourself then you don't see any value of anything that has to do with only you. Thank you so much though. You are very kind and I truly do appreciate it. I love to hear from my readers. You too thanks!

**ItsMeCharlee-** Or maybe Ashley sees herself in Spencer. She's older because you can find love at any age. Not at a seriously younger age though! If you haven't even gone through puberty clearly you are not fully developed and cannot make proper decisions so in no way am I condoning pedophilia. Also I respect everyone's opinion and I will not judge. You have to remember though I'm writing what I felt, my emotions, so try not to bash. This goes for anyone who is disrespectful to my own feelings. I appreciate your honesty though thank you for reading.

**Caaarlacruz-** Thanks I love her too in real life :) Thanks for reading!

**OneLiner-** She sure is. Lol oh yeah? Def my girlfriend tends to have incredible patience for me. Not sure how she does it. Thanks for reading!

**It's me a guest-** Well you're a total sweetheart. You remind me a lot of the girl I fell in love with. She knows me really well even though she says she doesn't. It's like you knew exactly what I was thinking and feeling after I wrote this. As soon as I read your review it really touched my heart that you'd defend me like that. Or maybe you were just defending SoN lol. Lol it's like you know me that or you're stalking me. Well thank you so much I can't really repay you for saying such kind words to me. I love…people like you. I'm sure your girlfriend is completely in love with you because you're so such a sweetheart. Lol you're probably all cocky and think you're badass with your guns but I bet you're a total romantic and you like to do the mushy stuff including being a closet sweetheart. Thank you so much you're so sweet. Btw I bet you're a terrible morning person.

**CrazDenaz-** Lol well I'm glad you came across my story. Lol thank you so much but I'm nothing special nor is my life. I'm just happy share and maybe help someone else out. Thanks so much!

**Omnomnomigon-** Lol thanks so much I appreciate it!

**Drugs or Me**

Chapter Five: Slacker

"Spencer?"

"Spencer?

"Spencer Carlin?"

"Miss Carlin do you plan on spending the rest of the year sleeping in my class?"

"Spencer the teacher's calling you," Amanda whispers nudging me hard with her elbow. I lift my head up sleepily and glare at her.

"What," I ask annoyed. She mouths something but I have no clue what the hell she said and I don't really care.

"The teacher," she grits through her teeth motioning with her head. I sit up a little and look towards the front of the classroom. All of my classmates are staring at me. Some laughing, some in disbelief, some quite amused, some whispering in hushed voices clearly talking about me since their eyes are on me, and even some cheering me on quietly probably because they think our teacher's a dick and he is.

Speaking of the teacher, he's in front of the room looking at me expectantly and doing that whole folding his arms over his chest to look intimidating and the authority over me. Yeah right. He looks really intimidating with that oversized dress shirt tucked in because he's so short and scrawny they probably don't sell his size. What a pussy.

"What," I ask irritated. I'm guessing he didn't like the way I said that.

"Stay after class because you're holding up my whole class and preventing everyone else from learning so I don't have time to deal with a student who doesn't care or want to learn." I roll my eyes and settle my head back down on the desk to get back to my nap. I can hear his stupid dress shoes clicking against the floor coming in my direction. Then I feel a weight on my table and fabric brushing against my arms. I reluctantly lift my head and sit up. His scrawny ass is on my table with his back to me continuing on with his lecture. Fucking asshole.

I scoot backwards in my chair, screeching against the floor until my back's against the wall. I pull my hood up resting my head against the wall. He raises his voice continuing his lecture obviously trying to mess with me so I set my legs up on the desk so they're almost touching him. I get a few chuckles but all the teacher does is keep on teaching in an obnoxiously noisy voice.

"Great job now I've gotta sit next to this prick for the rest of class," Amanda whispers in my ear. I pop my eyes open to find Amanda giving the teacher a disgusted look which makes me chuckle. She shakes her head trying to disguise the smile on her lips which is actually pretty funny.

"Seriously what the fuck," she says quietly motioning at him with her hands. She tries to glare at me but she's doing terrible because she's biting her lips trying to hide her amusement.

"He stinks," she fake gags fanning him with her folder. I play along and pretend to throw up. Most of the class is looking at us now giggling at the scene. He turns his head looking right at me so I fake cough innocently.

"Sorry I think I'm getting sick," I cough. Amanda pretty much bursts out laughing. He eyes her not amused.

"Do I need to move you?"

"No I'm good, I smelt like something really gross but it's gone now so I'm good," she tells him. Amanda was always known to push it with teachers. She's pretty cool. He goes back to his lecture but rotates on his butt till he's sideways and he plants his feet in front of Amanda now covering our entire table.

"Come on," she mouths throwing her hands up in the air dramatically. I smirk at her shrugging then close my eyes once again returning to my nap.

The bell ringing startles me out of my nap. Tiredly I get up gathering my almost empty backpack. I catch a glimpse of Amanda rushing out of the room to avoid the teacher which makes me chuckle. Before I can even attempt to leave Mr. Slickt stops me.

"Miss Carlin come over here." I walk towards his desk but I stop like a foot away. He sighs and sits on a desk near me. He's staring right into my eyes seeming beyond disappointed, another lame and uncomfortable teacher tactic. I glance around at the remaining students and watch until the last one leaves. His eyes are on me and he's still totally silent which is just plain annoying.

"What," I finally say.

"Do you even want to pass this class," he asks tiredly.

"I will pass."

"How? You have a twenty-five percent in my class that's an F. This semester is almost over and you've hardly turned in any work and not to mention you've failed almost all of my quizzes."

"I'll just get an A on the final so I pass." He stares at me unrealistically.

"And what if you don't get an A?" I shrug.

"Then I guess I take the class again."

"Why don't you just do the work now so you don't have to pray you pass the final with a high grade just to pass this class," he asks annoyed.

"I am doing the work."

"No you're not because if you were you'd be passing my class." He's really starting to piss me off he acts like he knows everything.

"I will pass."

"I don't think you realize that this class is required for graduation. You need to pass government if you want to graduate. You don't want to take this class again. Especially since you're failing some of your other classes. I promise you that you will not graduate and you'll have to do even more work than you have to do now just so you can graduate." Fucking asshole looked at my other classes.

"Well you're not my teacher for any of my other classes so it's not really you're job to talk to me about my other classes."

"It is my job to make sure you graduate," he says firmly. Whatever. Fucking prick.

"Well I'm going to graduate." He shakes his head in disbelief.

"I don't think you realize how serious this is. You will not have enough credits to graduate and there's no way you can pass your classes with only a few weeks left of this semester."

"Well I've worked things out with my other teachers so I can pass my classes."

"That was stupid of them. Even if I did work something out with you so you have an opportunity to pass I'd be wasting my time because I know you won't do the work. You may as well tell your other teachers you're not going to do the work," he says bluntly. I can't believe this fucker.

"You don't know how hard I'm working." He has no clue.

"Sure I do. I see you sleeping in my class every day. That'll help you graduate." I'm seething with anger right now I'm so fucking close to punching this scrawny fuck.

"I've given numerous chances to make up work or do extra credit and I think out of all of those opportunities you've only done two things."

"I did more than two." He pauses looking at me like he doesn't know what to do with me.

"I don't understand. I've looked at your previous years and you're an honor roll student. You were until after a few weeks into this semester then you started not doing your work. You're a very smart student Spencer but you're just not doing the work because you're choosing not to do it. It's incredibly sad and upsetting to see such a brilliant student with so much potential wasting it. I want to see you graduate and do amazing things in your life but you really need to pass this class Spencer. This semester has been a fluke oh well it happens and that's okay. But now you need to get it together and do your best to at least get grades that are better than an F. You're not an F student; I've seen what you can do. You're very intelligent Spencer don't waste it. Use this moment right now as an eye opener. This is the moment where you can turn things around but you have to want to and do the work." He pauses for a moment letting me think about his words. They're just words though and he has no idea about anything.

"Now I don't know what you've discussed with your other teachers but I want to work something out with you so you can pass my class because I know this isn't who you are. But I need to know that you're willing to do the work."

"Okay," I nod my head.

"You have until the day of the final to complete all of your missing work and redo all of your failed quizzes and tests. I will count whatever you complete and turn in as full credit. Is that fair?"

"Yes," I say simply. He glances over at the calendar on the wall.

"That's over three weeks to complete all of your work. And if you don't do it then you're only letting yourself down and disappointing everyone that wants you to do well. Are you going to do the work?"

"Yes," I say exhausted with this conversation.

"I really hope so."

"Can I go to lunch now?"

"You're free to leave," he motions to the door.

"Thank you," I walk out in a hurry. I rush down the stairs making my way to the lunch room. I can see my group of friends joking at laughing with each other in the spot we always sit in. I can just picture the stares and infinite questions. I continue to walk past the lunch room but I get stopped by the grumpy hall monitor who always sits in front of the lunchroom doors.

"Are you supposed to be in lunch right now?"

"Yes."

"Then that's where you need to be," she points at the lunchroom.

"My teacher told me to come talk to her at lunch," I walk away from her.

"Excuse me!" I stop and look at her expecting to see her on her feet and in my face but fat ass is still in her chair. I hand her my agenda with the fake pass I filled out on the way down here. She studies it carefully. It's clearly fake as fuck. I literally scribbled lines.

"I'll let you go just this once but next time I will not allow it do you understand?"

"Yup," I grab my agenda walking away. I'm almost at the bathroom at the very end of the school when I see the teacher I claimed wanted to see me.

"Hey Spencer-Spencer," she greets cheerfully. She calls me Spencer-Spencer all the time I'm not really sure why though but I like the nickname.

"Hey Mrs. Marty."

"Aren't you supposed to be in lunch Spencer-Spencer," she asks curiously even though I'm positive she knows I have lunch this hour.

"Yeah but I came down here to use the bathroom. I hate using the one in the lunch room." That wasn't really a lie. I do hate that bathroom. The lunchroom is fucking huge and always filled with way too many students. The bathroom is way too small with only three stalls, each entirely too small to the point where you pretty much have to sit on the toilet just to close the stall door. And if that wasn't bad enough like huge groups of girls pile around the only two mirrors and the two sinks. They spray a shit load of disgusting perfumes and apply even more makeup as if there eyeliner wasn't dark enough. And then you go to use the sink to wash your hands and they give you the dirtiest fucking look ever like it's such a fucking chore to move over. And after sighing heavily they move only to get in your personal space as you wash your hands to look over your shoulder into the mirror. Move ugly slutty bitches! And if I skip the sink to use some sanitizer instead I get the ew she didn't wash her hands and then a bunch of high pitched giggles. It's so worth it just to hold your piss.

"Too crowded," she smiles knowingly.

"Just a little," I chuckle. She gets a worried look on her face and tilts her head a little like she always does when she's concerned.

"You okay today Spencer-Spencer," she asks in such a caring voice.

"Yeah just Mr. Slickt messing with me," I sigh tiredly.

"I'm sorry he can be too harsh most of the time but I think it's only because he cares."

"You have to say that because you're a teacher," I joke.

"Oh no trust me there are some teachers here that-."

"You hate," I finish. She laughs shaking her head disagreeing with my statement.

"Well I wouldn't say hate I'd say that we're just not as good of friends like I am with some of the other teachers."

"Mrs. Marty that's what you say when you're trying to say you don't like someone in a nice way." She smirks a little.

"Okay well then I'd consider Mr. Slickt and I friends in school and acquaintances outside of school."

"Really? That's still not liking someone," I laugh.

"I like everyone!"

"You always say that Mrs. Marty."

"Cuz it's true! Now hurry up Spencer-Spencer you're not gonna get to eat."

"You're the one holding me up," I joke. She tries to give me a stern look but it appears to be anything but that.

"See you later Spencer-Spencer!"

"Mayyybbeeee," I joke. Before I get into the girl's bathroom I'm stopped again.

"Spencer-Spencer?"

"Yeah?" She looks around the hall checking to see if we're alone and holds her hand to her mouth like she's about to whisper something.

"Mr. Slickt is mean to the teachers too," she winks making me smile. I love that old lady.

I make it into the stall with a subtle smile still planted on my lips. I sit on the toilet and drop my backpack on the floor. The sound of something clanking against plastic fills the stall and the grin leaves my lips. I reach into my backpack and pull out a tic-tac container. I pour seven of them into my hand and swallow them dryly. I wrap my arms around my body and rest my head on the wall crying silently.

**Author's Note:** Mr. Slickt was a nice guy but always very blunt which made him come off as being really harsh. I wish I would've been more respectful and appreciative to him. I really wish I would've been more appreciative to those teachers who were willing to work with me even though I had let them down countless times. My advice would be if you ever have one of those teachers or people who want to understand you and help you or even give you a second chance don't take those people for granted or walk all over them. In the moment it may not seem like it but those people really do care about you and your future. I've learned something that should be common sense to you when you're old enough to do wrong. People that love you or care about you do the things they do because they care. It's very important to know that because if you don't you misinterpret things and think everyone's out to get you, which isn't true. Stop and actually listen to what people are saying. And it's not about being patient. I have no fucking patience whatsoever lol ask my girlfriend. It's about listening hearing someone out and you don't need patience to do that. If you don't understand don't make assumptions just ask. As for Mrs. Marty, she was such a caring and loving woman. I really looked up to her and I still do. She was like a second mother to me that I could talk to about anything. Sometimes you get that one teacher that doesn't treat you like a student but as a close friend and that's who Mrs. Marty is and I am completely thankful to her. Appreciate those who genuinely care about you. Anyways I hope you liked it. Thanks for reading! :)


	6. A Helping Hand

**Author's Note:** I'd like to address something that happens to practically every writer on here and that happens frequently to all of us in life. We are all entitled to our own opinions and we won't always see someone's perspective or agree with us, however there are constructive ways of expressing your disagreements. It takes a lot of courage to post something online where anyone can read it and judge it. This story is extremely close to my heart and the majority of the story happened to me. We all make mistakes in life and we all wish we could have done something different, or act differently or made different choices. Hindsight is 20/20. I am all for constructive criticism, however personal attacks or being judgmental is not warranted. If you want to make comments, especially personal comments, I think it's best if you PM me or at least have the decency to post your name instead of just anonymous or guest. Too many people on here leave negative comments or petty comments without putting their name to it and I find that rude and petty. If you don't like what I'm writing or what I'm saying, simply don't read it. If you still feel like reading it and want to make asinine remarks then PM me or at least post your name so I can speak directly to you. I'm not posting this story for people so that they can judge me or tell me what I should have done or how to feel. I'm posting this story to help people who are or have struggled with addiction, for those that know someone who is struggling and for those that are curious. I'm posting this story to try and help people and to let them know they're not alone and that I am here to help however I can. We will all struggle in our lives in some form or another, and I'd like to help however I can. I'm always open to feedback whether it be negative or positive but I think there's a way of expressing it. To all my fellow writers and readers who this has happened to, I wish it would stop but this is reality and it will continue, but know that I appreciate the authors, the stories, the actual constructive reviewers (good or bad) thank you for posting. Anyways I hope you like this chapter but I had to post something before _someone_ murdered me.

**Godlove-** Thank you!

**gina32-** You gotta make him work for it! Tell him you want a redo lol. That's it you need to make him watch the Notebook with you with NO BEER! Beers gross anyways. Lol you got this! Lmao I am def not wise but thank you. Right! Will do thanks number 1 fan!

**Guest-** Thanks for reading.

**MoNeGi**- Awww thank you so much. My gf had me take down what I said which is best. I won't let it don't worry! Lol so sooooo true. I will thank you so much for your kind words I truly do appreciate it.

**Guest-** Thank you!

**whocares-** Okay mister who cares :P Thank you!

**Drugs or Me**

Chapter Six: A Helping Hand

Ugh my neck.

I wake up with a strain in my neck. I sit up rubbing the back of my sore neck. Why am I in the bathroom?

My memory's fuzzy but it always is after I wake up from a haze of pills. Grabbing my bag I stumble out of stall feeling really nauseous. I clutch the sides of a sink leaning my entire body against it. I fumble with the faucet and splash some cold water on my heated face which I'm sure is flushed. I eye myself in the mirror carefully. My eyes are puffy and there are black lines under my eyes. I look tired and older than I really am. I just look plain exhausted and I don't even look or feel like me.

"Fuck it," I look away. I peek out into the hallway at the clock and I haven't been asleep for too long because technically school's not over yet. Oh well.

I walk cautiously down the halls avoiding the areas where I know hall monitors will be. I make it to the back way door that everyone uses to sneak into school late or to sneak out and skip. Not even bothering to check to see if it's clear I make my way outside and away from school grounds. I safely make it past the stop sign which means I am no longer on school property and I'm thankful for that.

I know I can't go home yet because Glen will be the only one there and I don't want him to see me. So I'll head home when school is out. I sit down on a curb on the side of the rode when I'm a good distance from the school. I take a deep breath inhaling in the cool crisp air numbing my throat and stinging my lungs. It's relaxing. I untie my shoes and pull my socks off placing them right next to me I roll my bare feet over the gravel and small rocks on the sides of the rode managing to get some of the rocks stuck between my toes. It's almost like rubbing your toes in the sand except it's rougher and sharper and cool on my feet. It's quite pleasant though. I pull my hoody and shirt off until I'm just in my pink tank top. I set my clothes on top of my shoes. The icy air feels comforting against my warm skin. I lie onto the cool grass letting my feet continue to slide against the small rocks and dust. I shut my eyes sighing peacefully.

"I was right, you are crazy." Surprised I sit up quickly and brush myself off. I see a Porsche and a familiar hand hanging out the window. I meet the drivers eyes hoping it's not her but I knew it would be.

"Hey Spence," she grins. Immediately I look away remembering the look she gave me a few days ago.

"I didn't know school got out this early," she says knowingly.

"It doesn't," I tell her. I lie back down and shut my eyes hoping she'll go away but something tells me she won't. Sure enough her car shuts off and the door opens then closes. I can hear her lay down next to me and feel her arm brush against mine which makes me realize that she's really close to me. I guess it doesn't really bother me that she's right next to me. It's nice to sit in silence like this.

"I don't like your brother," Ashley breaks the silence. I peek over at her to find her staring straight up at the sky with a serious look on her face and her eyebrows scrunched like she's irritated or something.

"He means well," I say truthfully, looking away. I feel her gaze on me.

"Doesn't seem that way," she eyes me.

"He cares."

"Is that why I saw you crying?" My chest tightens at her words.

"That was different," I finally say.

"How," she questions.

"He had a right to be mad," I explain in a small voice.

"Maybe…but he didn't have the right to make you cry." I look at her shocked.

"…". I don't know what to say to that.

"No one deserves that," she says with great conviction.

"You don't know me."

"I don't need to know you Spence to know that you don't deserve to be treated like that," Ashley says softly. She doesn't know who I am. I'm a terrible person and I deserve all of the bad things that happen. She doesn't know.

"You hungry," she asks bringing me out of my thoughts.

"Huh?" She lifts herself up holding herself up on her arm.

"Are you hungry," she grins down at me. Yes!

"No." She looks at me in disbelief.

"Get your ass in the car Spence." She stands up and stares down at me holding her hand out. I just stare at her hand. Yeah right.

She reaches down and grabs my arms carefully and easily picking me up off the ground.

"Hey," I squeal. She gives me this sweet grin that I've noticed she gives me a lot.

She picks up my belongings and places them in her backseat.

"Coming," she asks, holding the passenger's door open. I walk past her and open the driver's door and slide over the console into the passenger's seat buckling up. She chuckles and shuts my door. I can't help the small grin that graces my lips as we take off.

Author's Note: Hope you liked it. Hopefully I'm safe now. Well gonna go shower later!


	7. Trouble

**Author's Note:** Hey guys. So I had to finish this and post it a.s.a.p. because my girlfriend threatened to take my privileges away! Happy baby? Anyways this is a little bit longer and I hope you like it!

**Godlove-** Thanks so much I appreciate it! Hope you like this one!

**Kungfu Kia-** Thanks glad you liked it! Mayyybbbeeeeeeee…

**You'renotsafe-** No but you do with me :D I would not! I'd take something else down in your car. Yeah I'm hungry too…You're such a perv babe. Wow so naughty and feisty I like it. I'm all yours baby I lovvvveeeeeee being whipped especially by you. You can have me just the way you like it ;) I love you soooo much baby!

**Vi2345loveable-** Thank you glad you liked it!

**gina32-** I've actually never seen it but I'm sure I'll convince her to watch it with me she's a closet romantic shhhhh she doesn't know it but I'm gonna make her watch Mama Mia with me. I think you can get him to watch it! Thanks I love her in real life! :( I'm really sorry to hear that but I'm happy that you view life like that we gotta keep strong you know. Hope you like this one! Thanks for reading!

**nici-** Thanks so much!

**Drugs or Me**

Chapter Seven: Trouble

"So what'd you eat for breakfast Spence?"

"Uh nothing I don't really eat breakfast," I tell her shyly.

"Spence! You have to eat breakfast!"

"I'm not usually hungry in the morning," I admit. More like I don't want to be around anyone in the morning. Ashley gives me an unsure look but doesn't push it.

"Okay that's it we're getting you breakfast." I look at her clock to see it's almost two o'clock.

"It's sorta lunch time right now."

"Yeah but we need to get some breakfast in you. Where would you like to go," she asks.

"Uh I don't know," I tell her sheepishly.

"How about IHOP? They serve breakfast all day every day!" I look away from her.

"What?"

"I've never been there," I blush slightly. We don't go out a lot it's too expensive and we don't have the money for it plus everyone's always busy.

"That's okay," she grins reassuringly. I shrug my shoulders in response.

"Do you like pancakes?" I love them!

"They're okay I guess."

"Spence everyone loves pancakes! And I'd be honored to take you to IHOP for your first time." She's doing that grin again.

"Kay." After a few minutes we pull into IHOP and I follow her inside. It smelt like syrup with whipped cream and freshly baked pancakes with a hint of strawberries. Yum! It made my mouth water I couldn't wait to try the pancakes.

A young waiter with a smile plastered on her face approaches.

"Follow me this way ladies," she says in a happy fake voice leading the way. We sit in a booth; obviously I sit on the opposite side of Ashley.

"Hello ladies! I'll be your waiter this evening, my name is Brandy. How are you today ladies? Can I get you two something to drink to start you off," she hands us the menus. She really doesn't want to be here.

"Hi Brandy I'm good thank you, how are you?"

"I'm okay just a busy morning," Brandy replies sounding tired.

"Brandy you work at IHOP you guys are always busy," Ashley tells her.

"True but that's why I usually only work nights! I'm helping a friend out so she can stay with her mom at the hospital so I offered to take all of her shifts for the next whole week so unfortunately I'm working mornings and nights oh well though."

"Awww Brandy that is so sweet of you! I'm sure your friend really appreciates it. And tell her I hope her mom feels better," Ashley says genuinely.

"Well thank you. I'm just trying to do the right thing is all," Brandy says.

"I know you're friend really appreciates it. She's lucky to have a friend like you," Ashley smiles sweetly. Brandy gives a real smile then looks over at me.

"I like your friend," she points at Ashley who winks at me. Ugghhhh.

"Now what can I get you two lovely ladies to drink?"

"Orange juice please," I say.

"And uh I'll have tea please. But don't add the lemon please I hate that thing! You can just give it to Spence she loves the lemon!" I hate the lemon! I give her a strange look that she doesn't seem to catch. Who drinks tea?

"Got it. I'll be right back with your drinks ladies and your lemon," Brandy grins walking away. Ashley smiles happily checking out her menu. I eye her curiously waiting patiently for her to look up at me but she seems oblivious and in her own world.

"Uh do you know her or something," I finally say.

"Huh?" She looks up at me confused.

"The waiter."

"Oh no," Ashley says looking back at her menu.

"You acted like you knew her." She raises her eyebrows at me.

"Jealous I made a new friend Spence," she jokes.

"No just curious why you're so nice. Are you like that with everyone you meet," I ask.

"I was just being polite and friendly," she shrugs. She's so odd.

I pick up my menu scanning the different items awkwardly. I hate other people buying stuff for me. Brandy comes back out of nowhere with our drinks and the sliced lemon on a plate and gives it to me. Stupid lemon.

"What would you like to eat ladies?"

"Brandy I will have the four pancakes with strawberries and bananas please. What do you want Spence?"

"Um I'll just have one chocolate chip pancake."

"Oh no Brandy she'll have four chocolate chip pancakes."

"No I don't want the-!" It's too late though the waiter has already taken off with our menus. Brandy would take Ashley's side!

"You better eat all of those Spence I paid good money for them," Ashley says smartly. What?

"I didn't want four!"

"Uh huh you just didn't wanna admit you wanted four," she smirks.

"Whatever," I look away trying to hide my grin.

Brandy brings our food and we thank her before she leaves. Wow there pancakes are huge! They look so good and smell amazing! I hear metal clanking and I watch as Ashley grabs all four syrups and places all of them right next to her plate. What the heck?

"Ummm…what are you doing?"

"Oh I have this thing where I like to try all of the syrups," she tells me.

"That's really weird."

"No it's not!" Yeah it is.

"It kind of is."

"They put all of them out here for you to try them all!"

"I don't think that's why they put them out here," I chuckle lightly. She rolls her eyes smiling.

"Fine you get none Spence!" She takes all of the syrups and sets them down next to her on the booth.

"How am I supposed to eat my pancakes then?"

"Well Spence I don't think they put them out here for that," she smirks pouring some syrup on the side of her plate. She is the biggest smartass I've ever met.

"Really Ashley?" I fight the urge to smile.

"Hmmm? Oh I'm just using this syrup as decoration cause you know it's not meant to eat," she gives me a toothy a grin as she pops a piece of a pancake covered in syrup into her mouth.

"That's not right. Come on hand the regular one over."

"Oh no you could probably just use the lemon and squirt the juices on your pancakes." I hate the lemon so much.

"Come on just let me have some syrup," I say.

"Hmmmm…nope."

"Why not?" She shrugs eating more of her pancakes with different syrup.

"Come on!"

"Okay okay you can have syrup…but you have to try this one first." I look at the syrup on her plate. Ewww no!

"I want regular though!"

"Not till you try this one!"

"Uggghhhh it's gross."

"How do you know if you've never tried it huh," she asks.

"I know what I like."

"But you could like more things if you try them," she holds up her fork with pancake and strange syrup on it. No way!

"I'm not eating that!"

"Just try it Spence!"

"I don't-." She leans across the table and shoves her fork into my mouth. She smiles triumphantly and slides the fork out of my mouth leaving the nasty pancake in my mouth. Immediately I spit it out and it lands on the table. The old lady in the booth beside us looks grossed out and gives me a disgusted look. The syrup is still in my mouth a bit so I grab a napkin and wipe my tongue on it. A sweet taste lingers on my tongue of bananas, strawberries, and the rich syrup. It actually tastes kind of good.

"Well that was dramatic Spence," she laughs at me. I narrow my eyes at her.

"That was disgusting! That was in your mouth!"

"I don't have cooties," she sticks her tongue out.

"Right," I roll my eyes drinking my orange juice.

"So did you like it?"

"No!"

"Oh really," she smirks.

"Which nasty one did you force into my mouth it was disgusting!" She picks up a syrup beside her and places it front of me with that damn smirk still on her lips. I turn it around to see the label.

"This is regular!"

"I know," she smirks. Stupid smirk!

"No you made me try a nasty one," I argue.

"I said you had to try syrup I never said which one." She is so lying.

"I don't believe you." She shrugs.

"Well true to my word enjoy you're syrup Spence," she winks. Uggghhhh.

I grab the regular syrup and pour it all over my pancakes. Ashley's eyes are on me the entire time as I cut up a pancake and slide the piece into my mouth. I taste the sweetness of the syrup instantly…and it tastes the same.

"This one tastes different than the other one! This one tastes better!"

"Okay Spence," she smiles knowingly. I blush embarrassed and look down focusing on eating.

We eat mostly in silence which was really too awkward. Ashley only ate two and then a half of a pancake. I'm on my last one and I'm sooooo full. She doesn't have to eat all of her meal cause she paid for it! This is why I don't like people to pay for me or offer me things. It's rude if you don't finish it!

"You know you don't have to finish that if you're not hungry," Ashley tells me.

"No it's okay I'm still hungry,"

"Spence you're going to make ME puke if you eat anymore," she giggles.

"Well there's only a little left." She rolls her eyes and grabs my plate taking it away from me.

"Hey give that back I wasn't done with it," I reach out for it.

"Well I'm paying so I say you're done." It's convenient how a bus boy walks by and takes our plates.

"You just wasted all that food you know." My family would kill me if they saw me not finish what's on my plate.

"Chill Spence it's fine," she waves it off.

"Whatever it's your money."

"That's right and I decided to treat you and I'm happy to do it," she grins.

"Thank you," I say nervously.

"You're welcome Spence. Thanks for joining me."

"You ladies all set," Brandy pops up.

"Yes Brandy thank you I'll take the check now please," Ashley says politely. She hands Ashley the little booklet and walks off. I try to peek at the bill but she doesn't let me see it.

"Spence don't work about the money," she says placing over thirty dollars in the little checkbook. She puts ten dollars on the table as a tip. I feel so bad.

"I'll pay you back for this."

"No you won't."

"Yes I will that's a lot of money."

"Spence I wanted to take you out it's on me," she reassures.

"Yeah but I should at least pay for my own meal."

"Nope I won't take your money and that's that."

"But I-."

"Nope don't wanna hear it," she holds her hand up.

"Fine but I still feel bad."

"Well you shouldn't cause I really wanted to do it," she smiles at me.

"I hope you ladies have a good day! Come back again and ask for Brandy," the waiter smiles pleasantly.

"Thank you," I say.

"Thank you so much Brandy. We had a great time you're awesome. I hope your friend feels better and that this week goes by quick for you."

"Thanks so much you guys have a great day!"

"We will," Ashley glances over at me. As we go to leave Ashley rushes ahead of me to open both doors for me which is a little weird.

"You don't have to open doors for me."

"That's just me," she shrugs. She opens the passenger door then rushes around the car and hops in the driver's seat.

"Ha! Take that Spence!"

"Really," I say getting inside of the car.

"Yup I can't have you taking out my stick shift I love my baby," she cues rubbing her steering wheel. Oh my God.

"It's a car."

"She's my baby," she tells me driving off. I swear she's a guy the way she loves her car.

Ashley turns the radio on and _Taylor Swifts_ new song _Trouble _blares from the speakers. I love this song! But I play it off like whatever.

_'Cause I knew you were trouble when you walked in_

_So shame on me now_

_Flew me to places I'd never been_

_'Til you put me down, oh_

_I knew you were trouble when you walked in_

_So shame on me now_

_Flew me to places I'd never been_

_Now I'm lying on the cold hard ground_

_Oh, oh, trouble, trouble, trouble_

_Oh, oh, trouble, trouble, trouble_

I feel Ashley's eyes on me again.

"What," I ask confused.

"Trouble," she says grinning and shaking her head at me. I roll my eyes at her smiling slightly as I look out the window.

We pull into my driveway and she shuts off the car. I look up at the porch remembering Ashley's worried face.

"You remembered where I live? That's a little creepy."

"Someone's gotta keep tabs on you trouble." Ugghh.

"I'm not trouble."

"Sure you're not Spence," she smirks. Again with the smirk.

"Is anyone home," she asks probably talking about Glen.

"No everyone's out right now."

"Good. Well I hope you had fun trouble."

"Yeah thanks," I say ignoring the nickname. She gives me that grin again that she gives me a lot. It's kinda nice though.

"So you had fun Spence?"

"I actually did," I admit.

"Anytime…you gonna be okay," she asks worried.

"Yeah I'm good. Well thanks," I say awkwardly getting out. Ashley simply smiles at me. I could feel her gaze on me as I made my way up the porch but I force myself not to look back as I shut the door behind me. I press my ear against the door but I don't hear her car start. A car horn startles me. I open the door and there's Ashley still in my driveway smiling and wavy like a complete nerd. I give her a small wave back. And I can't help but find myself smiling back at her and letting her see it. She carefully pulls out of the driveway and I watch her as she does so.

"Stay in school trouble," she yells as she drives off. I shut the door shaking my head as I head up to my room. I lie on my bed and glance over at my dresser where my pills are at. I get up and walk over to my dresser. I grab the remote controller that's on top of it and settle back down on my bed switching on the T.V and putting cartoon network on. I smile absentmindedly to myself as SpongeBob comes on.

**Author's Note**: Well I hope you liked it! I'm off to get my privileges back :P I love you baby! Also I'm here if anyone needs to talk!


	8. Buzz Cure

**Author's Note:** So thanks for those who are reading and not being douchebags I appreciate it. Next chapter's gonna be pretty graphic with abuse so just a heads up. Well hope you like this chapter.

**Kungfu Kia-** Thanks I'm really glad you liked it.

**Godlove-** Thanks so much.

**gina32-** Thanks! My girl really is a total sweetheart in real life. Wish it was my bday week! Lmfao hey don't get too loose stay straight lol. Happy Birthday hope you have a good time!

**You are trouble-** Pssshhh no it's not I'm innocent! Hmmmm I'm thinking you on your knees…you know praying. And I mean while you're down there… ;) Lol nope! Psshhh you grin all the time as soon as you feel my face. Thanks baby I can always count on you to understand. It is if I put it on the list!

**Guest-** Lol I know what it's like I have no patience either. Thanks!

**Guest-** I'm not gonna waste my time with a pathetic coward like you. You don't know me so don't you dare tell me what I am and what I'm not. You don't like it then don't read it or you can always just lighten up.

**Drugs or Me**

Chapter Eight: Buzz Cure

I haven't seen Ashley for three days now and I find it strange that I actually think it's weird not to talk to her or something I don't know. Oh well it is what it is.

Anyways though its morning right now and for once I actually have the house to myself which is nice. So I'm taking my time getting ready and I have the opportunity to have breakfast but I choose not to.

I open the fridge to get the orange and spy all the already opened alcohol on the inside of the door. I stare at it for a while contemplating taking some. I'm supposed to be in school soon and it'd really suck if I got caught drunk. I'll just take enough to get a buzz.

Forgetting the orange juice I pull out cranberry juice, vodka, rum, Captain Morgan, and some whiskey. I know mixing all of this is gonna taste like shit but hopefully the cranberry juice will give it a better taste.

I grab a Gatorade bottle and fill a large amount of it with vodka. I drink that until I feel my body getting heated and I smile to myself. Start of an awesome buzz. My goal is to keep a buzz going alllllll day. Will make school so much better.

I fill the container with the rest of the contents making sure to get the really strong alcohol. Not a lot of captain M though you can't even really get drunk off that stuff.

I put all the stuff away and grab my alcohol clutching it safely in my hand as I head out the door. I stumble a bit but I have a huge grin on my face the whole time. I get to the bus stop to find no one there.

"Fuck!" I pull out my phone to check the time. I'm not late I'm actually really early. Dammit.

I sit down on the curb and spot someone walking in the dark. I think I know them.

"Miranda," I call out. The dark figure turns around and seems to be squinting their eyes peering through the dark.

"Spencer?"

"Hey!" I jump up and run towards her. We wordlessly start walking to the gas station that's near us.

"Why you up so early," she asks.

"Oh I forgot to look at my clock and left early. Why are yooouuuu up so early huh?" She holds up a pack of smokes.

"I'm out," she shrugs.

"You smoke," I ask shocked.

"Yeah," she laughs.

"What? That's crazy! I've known you since first grade you gonna tell me you're a drug dealer too?"

"No but I smoke pot and take pills sometimes but usually it's just pot," she says bluntly. Miranda always was real with anyone she talked to. I guess that's why we stayed friends because she doesn't act fake.

"I take pills a lot but I don't really smoke pot. And I am sooooo drunk right now," I giggle. Now she looks completely shocked.

"Spencer Carlin takes pills? You're like a goody goody smart honor roll student. I don't believe it. And you're drunk too? Wow how did I not know this? I talk to you every day," she chuckles. I shrug.

"Tell that to all my F's. How did I not know about you," I laugh.

"No idea. That's so weird. What kind of pills do you take?"

"I guess whatever I can get."

"Wow. Still can't believe you take pills," she says in disbelief. We laugh about it and talk some more about the topic on the way to the gas station.

"Wait aren't you still seventeen," I question.

"Yup, just wait out here." She goes into the gas station and I lean against the wall under the no loitering sign. I chuckle to myself. Miranda walks out with a triumphant grin.

"You got them?"

"Yup," she holds up the pack of smokes. She opens it up and pulls out one lighting it up.

We walk back to the bus stop I can smell the smoke from her cigarette and it actually smells kinda good and comforting. I've never smoked before. Well actually when I was four I picked one off the ground and tried it but after that I was so grossed out with them. I've never really liked smoking either I always thought it was nasty.

I watch as she exhales out her nose. She catches me looking and smiles at me.

"You wanna take a hit," she holds out her cigarette. I grab it curiously practically burning my finger in the process.

"I've never smoked before," I tell her. We sit down on the curb at the bus stop and she takes the cigarette out of my hand.

"Inhale it in deeply and try to hold it. First drag is rough but the second one's reals smooth." She puts the cigarette in her mouth and she takes a deep breath and holds it. I watch her chest lower as she exhales blowing the smoke in my face. I wave it away squinting my eyes.

"Here," she hands me the cigarette. I take and put it in my mouth. I try to take a long drag but as soon as I inhale the smoke I cough roughly.

"Oh my God that's awful," I choke. She laughs hysterically at me.

"Try it again." Reluctantly I try it again expecting to cough but I don't it's real...well its smooth just like Miranda said it would be.

I take another drag this time blowing it in her face. She takes the cigarette out of my hand.

"That's enough for you Spencer," she smirks. I smile at her showing my white teeth. I have this awful taste on my tongue though.

"Ewwww," I spit.

"You know you're not a true smoker if you don't like the after taste," she tells me. I reach into my pocket and pull out two pills.

"Guess I better stick to pills then," I smirk swallowing them dryly.

"Spencer Carlin," she shakes her head.

We sit there on the curb and chat till the bus comes and then we take our seats next to each other. Freshmen are soooooo fucking annoying. I take a few more sips of my liquid concoction getting me pretty tipsy.

I stumble off the bus and into the school with Shayla by my side. We head to the school cafe where a group of our friends are.

"Valentine!" Then next thing I know I'm lifted off the ground being squeezed tightly by someone. I put an arm around her shoulder half-heartedly. She sets me down giving me one last tight squeeze.

"Hey valentine," Julia smiles. She calls me valentine I can't remember why though. Julia is actually quite annoying and I don't like her that much and I can hardly tolerate her but I talk to her in science that's it. She's way too touchy too. I don't like certain people touching me it's annoying. I mean I'm drunk right now so I can tolerate her.

"Hey," I reply.

"Valentine your face is all red you okay," she pouts dramatically. She even goes as far as putting her hand on my cheek. I move away from the touch irritated.

"Spencer's just having a good morning," Miranda answers for me. I smirk at her mouthing for her to shut it.

"Spencer," someone swats my arm. I turn around to find Colin smirking like an idiot.

"Jerk," I punch his chest.

"Ow," he puts a hand over his chest pretending he's hurt. Colin's a tough guy. Real muscular and athletic. He's really cute actually and I have a little crush on him but he has a girlfriend and we're better friends I guess. He's really nice and friends with pretty much everyone but he always teases and jokes with me but I like it. He's a good friend of mine real sweet kid but a little bit shorter than me so I always tease him about his height.

"You're not hurt leprechaun." He rolls his eyes and grabs my wrist tugging me along with him.

"Come on we're gonna be late for gym," he says holding onto my forearm now. I pull my arm away but he just holds on tighter but not enough to hurt me. So I let him drag me as he weaves us through the crowds of students. We get to the gym and he finally lets go of my arm.

He opens his mouth to say something when Cheyenne swoops in. Colin hates her soooo much. She has such a huge crush on him and always flirts with. Being the nice guy that Colin is he just sits there and takes it which is quite funny.

I bite my lips to keep from laughing and start to walk away.

"Spencer! Where are you going," he calls out. Cheyenne turns to look over at me the whole time Colin is mouthing for me not to leave him with her. I try my best to hold in my laugher. Being drunk makes it a lot harder to do.

"Oh I gotta go change," I point to the locker room. He makes a face at me but I still manage to walk away.

I get into the locker room and start to pull my shirt off on the way to my locker getting a few stares but I'm drunk and could care less.

I pull off all my clothes leaving me in my tank top and panties and sit there stumped trying to remember my combination.

"Shit," I rub my forehead.

"Forget your combination again?" Nicole pops up out of nowhere and skillfully opens up my locker pulling out her stuff. She throws me my stuff and starts changing.

"You're lucky we share a locker or you'd never get the thing open. I put on my baggy shorts and bright neon shirt. My clothes aren't so fricken tight that you can see everything. Like its gym ladies how good can you look when you're huffing and puffing and all gross and sweaty?

Jordan pops up lugging her soccer gear.

"This stuff is so fricken heavy," she laughs dropping it on the floor.

"That's why I didn't try out," Nicole tells her.

"I ran into Sammy and she's practically naked," Jordan makes a gross face.

Nicole and I peek out along the walkway and there's Sammy in her bra and panties talking to a few of her friends not even fazed that she's so exposed right now.

"Ugh we all know she's pretty put on some freaking clothes," Nicole mutters walking away.

Sammy _is_ pretty. Well she's drop dead gorgeous with an incredibly perfect body. All the girls know that. She's popular, gets in trouble, very outgoing, total flirt, and known as a slut or whore. She's a nice girl, has an attitude but I don't think she's a slut. People always call the pretty popular girls sluts.

I can't help but notice her though. A neon bra that is really cute, unlike most girls she doesn't need padding. Her boy shorts match the bra. They are really tight though on her perfect skin showing off part of her ass. She really does have a great body so toned with a real tan. Not a tan line anywhere on her body. Long bright blonde hair and these seductive brown eyes.

I look down at her stomach a hint of muscle showing there. My eyes slide down her body to her hips. Her boy shorts are low on her hips, opening up just a little where her hip bones stick out. I follow the dents of her pelvis down to her panties.

"Hey Spencer!" I rip my eyes away from Sammy's body to look up at her face. I can feel my entire face heat up.

"Um hey," I stutter out. She gives me a cheery smile showing off her perfect white teeth. She definitely knows I was checking her out shit.

"I love your shorts! They're so cute! Where'd you get them," she asks looking innocent with though seductive eyes.

"Oh um I'm not sure," I say my voice rough.

"Well they look really good on you," her eyes scan over my body then look back into my eyes.

"Um thanks." She grins getting back into the conversation with her group of friends. She places a hand on her hip, her thumb sliding inside of her panties.

I rush back to my locker my face on fire. I pull out my Gatorade bottle and down a huge amount of it, immediately taking effect. I put it back and stumble backwards into the lockers behind me. My friends eye me weirdly.

"You okay," Nicole asks.

"Yeah just tripped," I giggle. They accept my answer and we head out into the gym.

"Alright ladies first we're gonna stretch then team up with the boys today," the teacher announces. Our teacher's a guy and he's really hot. I'm not sure how that happened but who cares he's nice to look at.

"Awwww yeah! Take it off Mr. S," I cheer. I get all the others girls to laugh and Mr. S to glare at me.

"Okay girls let's do our regular stretching," he says. I follow my friends and sit down against the bleachers pretending to stretch. I joke and laugh with my friends but find my eyes on Sammy again. I watch as she spreads her legs and touches the ground with her hands flat on the gym floor. I have no idea how she gets away with wearing such short tight shorts. I tear my eyes away feeling heated again.

The guys eventually come to our side of the gym and Colin runs over to me patting my back. I glare at him in return

"Okay everyone normal exercises now! Run to the other side of the gym when I blow my whistle!"

"Let's race Spencer," he says.

"No way then that means I'll actually have to try," I scoff.

"I'd beat you anyways," he smirks.

"Fine you're on shorty," I shove his shoulder. The teacher blows the whistle and we all start to run. Colin and I bump into each other the whole time and he even grabs onto me a few times trying to pull me back. I reach the end before him and he obnoxiously runs into me "accidently". I fall over and he laughs at me.

"Oops my bad," he says trying to act innocent.

"You did that purpose," I yell as I lie on my back.

"I would never," he places a hand over his chest acting like he's beyond shocked. I roll my eyes and start to pick myself up off the ground. Two strong hands grip my biceps and easily pick me up.

"I don't need your help leprechaun," I joke pushing his chest gently.

"Sure you don't," he pushes back on my chest. It just felt weird though. He didn't touch me inappropriately but his hands were near my chest and it just felt so...uncomfortable.

"You're okay," he rubs my shoulder. Again it just feels so uncomfortable I can't explain it really I just feel sick to my stomach. I look away from him and my eyes land on Sammy. She's finishing up her run, her body moving along with her. For a moment I think about what it'd feel like if she were to rub my arm. My face heats up again and I feel as though I'm going to puke. Too much alcohol.

"I'll be right back," I lie. I sneak out of one of the gym doors and into the hallway and that's where I sneak my way into the locker room.

I grab my Gatorade bottle and drink some more trying to swallow everything down but that only upsets my stomach more. I set it on a sink and run into a stall dropping to my knees and puking up all of the contents of my stomach. I feel a lot better but I still have quite a buzz going.

"Hello?" Shit! I flush the toilet and stumble out of the stall running into Sammy. Our chests touch slightly but I stumble back out of her personal space. I blush a little but try to compose myself.

"You okay? I thought I heard someone puking."

"Oh uh yeah sorry," I rush out. She walks up to me standing pretty close, her eyes staring right into mine. She sniffs a little and I look away nervously.

"Oh my God you're drunk aren't you?" I blush even more just knowing I'm in so much shit right now. Sammy spots my Gatorade bottle and picks it up smelling the top. Then she takes a drink of it and her face scrunches up.

"Shit that's really strong," she coughs. I can't help but laugh at her a little. She glares at first but then gets this mischievous look on her face.

"Wanna skip the rest of class," she smirks holding up the bottle and shaking it side to side gently. I grin at her and nod my head. I follow her into the showers and I sit in the corner. Everyone hides in the showers when they skip because we don't ever use the showers and the teacher never bothers to check in there. Sammy drops down next to me sitting really close but I can't move over anymore cause I'm already against the wall.

She downs more liquid taking it like a pro, giggling as she hands it to me. We spend the rest of gym drinking in the showers laughing like crazy. Sammy lying on the floor with her feet on my thighs.

The girls start piling into the locker room so we come out completely fucking trashed and laughing holding each other up. She wanders off to her group of friends with my Gatorade bottle and I head over to my locker pleased with myself.

"You skipped with Sammy," Nicole asks shocked.

"Uh huh," I laugh hysterically.

"Spencer you're fucked right now," Nicole laughs. We all look at each other and burst out laughing.

"You're crazy Spencer," Jordan dies laughing. Somehow I manage to change not sure how I did it. Sammy pops into our section and gives me a really tight hug and I hug her back really really enjoying it.

"You're awesome Spencer let's do this again sometime," she slurs.

"Absolutely," I giggle. She hands me back my bottle then walks off. My friends giggle and shake their heads.

"Oh my God she is so trashed," Nicole said looking around the corner at Sammy. She was way more fucked up than me that's for sure.

"Spencer Carlin?" My hearts stops and I try my best to act not drunk. I look around the corner at the hall monitor.

"You're needed in the office," she says. Shit! Oh my God I'm in so much trouble they know!

I look at my friends and they look like they feel really sorry for me right now.

Reluctantly I leave trying to be cool but I keep laughing and smiling for no reason. I get to the office and the secretary smiles and points with her pen to the right. I look over and there's Ashley with my backpack in her hand.

"Hey Spence," she grins. My whole body heats up and my stomach does flips at the sound of her voice.

"Ash," I squeal in excitement. I run at her and wrap my arms around her neck clinging to her with my body pressed tightly against hers and it feels so fucking good. I can't explain why she just feels so good with her warm comfy body pressed against mine. I nuzzle into her neck enjoying how good she smells.

"I'll be right back," the secretary says heading out of the office leaving Ashley and I alone.

"Um Spence?" Ashley puts her arms around me hesitantly which makes me hold onto her tightly, moaning slightly. Ashley lets go of me and lifts my head up studying my face.

"Are you drunk Spencer?"

"Nope," I giggle loudly.

"Oh my God Spencer what the hell are you trying to do? You're going to get in trouble," she whispers loudly clearly upset with me.

"No Ash! Don't be mad," I hug her tightly. She sighs loudly and wraps her arms back around me.

"I'm not mad; I'm disappointed in you Spencer. What am I gonna do with you trouble?" I can hear the blatant disappointment in her voice and those words sting and tug at my heart. So I squeeze her more tightly to me.

"Don't go," I beg.

"I won't," she whispers softly. I drop my Gatorade bottle so I can hold her better. She holds me for a bit but eventually let's go. Ashley tries to push me away gently but I don't want to let go.

"Spence let go for a sec."

"No," I hug her tightly. She sighs and easily picks me up. She sets me down in a chair.

"Stay right here," she says sternly so I decide to listen. She picks up the bottle off the floor and smells it, she looks beyond irritated. Just then the doors fly open and Sammy comes in laughing obnoxiously loud with the secretary and hall monitor holding her up. I watch Ashley hide the bottle behind her back. She stares at Sammy looking extremely pissed off then her eyes land on me and they soften a bit but she still appears very angry.

"I'm just gonna take Spencer home she's not feeling well at all," Ashley says. The secretary just nods and waves a hand to leave clearly busy with Sammy right now.

Ashley subtly slides the bottle into my bag then slides the straps over her shoulders. She makes her way over to me and picks me up carefully having me wrap my legs around her hips.

We make it to her car and she goes to put me in the backseat but I start to complain so she sits me up in the front seat. She hops in and goes to click my seatbelt but I move around and fall over ending up on my side and my head on her lap with my face pressed against her stomach.

"Spence you can't sit like that," she sighs frustrated. She attempts to move me which doesn't work out because I make too much of a fuss.

"Okay fine you can stay like that but if we get into an accident it's your fault." I mumble into her stomach my reply.

I can feel the car take off and to keep myself still I place a hand on her thigh.

"Spence?" I mumble into her stomach again and squeeze her thigh as we make a sharp turn.

"Spence don't," she tells me. I lift up her shirt simply just because I wanted to. I press my face back into her stomach this time on her warm soft skin. She makes a sound and stiffens a little but I don't move away.

I get the urge to kiss her stomach so I do. I kiss her stomach but it's a bit sloppy. I can feel that it was a wet kiss as my lips touch her skin. Her breath hitches and I smile goofily against her tummy. I'm so completely out of it and really drunk. I kiss her taut belly again and just like that I fall asleep with my lips against her stomach.

**Author's Note:** I really wish I hadn't gone to school drunk and with the alcohol in hand. Just looking back I'm ashamed of my actions and I can't even fully comprehend the things I did. I guess my advice would be and everyone should know this already is think things through. I mean think it through to the end and the consequences that can come from your actions. I wanted to show too that the drugs really made me want girls more but I didn't want to come to terms with my sexuality and being drunk or high gave me an excuse for the ways I acted. Collin; he's a really sweet guy. He ones one of those guys that I could really talk to about anything. I remember we'd spend all of math class talking about the good and bad in our lives. I still find him adorable but he's more of an older brother to me. I don't talk to him now but I'm glad to have had him in my life. I was able to open up with him and that's def helped me out in life being able to communicate my emotions. The whole attraction thing will make almost complete sense in the next chapter. Stay strong guys! Later!


	9. Nothing

**Author's Note:** So this chapter was extremely hard for me to write but once I started writing I couldn't stop. I've been deciding whether or not to post this. I'm not looking for sympathy or attention or whatever some of you may think. I talked this over with my girlfriend and counselor and in the end they both said it was up to me what I wanted to say. And I've decided that I do want to share this. A lot of it has to do with personal gain for myself. Something really important my girlfriend told me is that you can't forget your past and you probably never will. Lol that was harsh to hear. She then proceeded to tell me that we can't forget but we can accept it and move on and become stronger. I've really thought those words over for that past few days. I mean they're simple words but they've had a deeper meaning to me. I can't forget my past but I can choose to accept things that have happened to me and stand behind the choices I have made. What matters is that I know who I am now. I've felt that I have been hiding from my past or keeping it hidden for years because I'm ashamed. I still am ashamed but then I look at who I've grown to be. The past cannot define who I am now. If I hide from it though then it does define who I am now. I won't let my past define me. So for me I won't let it determine the things I do now why should I hide from it? I believe this will help me grow. Not just for me though this is for others who have gone through any form of abuse done to them. You don't have to hide from it or live in fear. Don't let the things done to you define you and determine who you will be because you're stronger that. We can't change the past but we can choose what to do with it now. Will you take the past and let it craft you into who you are? Or will you take the past and use it to grow from and make you stronger? Use the past to your advantage and don't let it hold you back.

**Godlove-** Thanks glad you liked it!

**Kungfu Kia-** Thanks I really hope it meant something to my readers. Thanks!

**A Mind That Sits Still-** Lmao well depends on what you're asking. Lol jk. Sadly most is true. Things are changed around but a lot is based on my life and of course my emotions. I wouldn't consider myself brave though I'd call it me being a dumbass. That is so true. Uh yeah sorta in this chapter…Thanks though I really appreciate it.

**gina32-** That's awesome! Lmao yes you could say that lol. Lol my "Ashley" is my knight :) Lmfao whoa. And you say you can't get your man to watch the notebook with you? Lol bullshit you are fierce girl! You got your man on a tight rope. Lol that's what I would've loved to say but I gotta play nice. Thanks so much I really appreciate it.

**Phil Collins-** Hello Mr. Collins. Well I don't smoke anymore! Everyone knows a Sammy. Pssshhh I'm sure Ashley is trouble in maybe like some ways. Who said anything about the gear shift? I was talking about another shift. Okay really was that necessary? I'm sure Spencer would be really sorry about it and feel incredibly guilty. I've already got one Mr. Collins. Neeerrrdddd

**IMPORTANT READ THIS! THIS CHAPTER IS EXTREMELY GRAPHIC! **

**Drugs or Me**

Chapter Nine: Nothing

_I sit up looking around not sure where I am. I'm home, outside on the grass and its summer time. It's perfect out. Warm with a nice breeze. The grass is nice and soft under my body not prickly like when it's cold. The air is full of fresh cut grass and the pleasant smell of various flowers and colorful leaves. I feel happy and content inside with this feeling of safety and protection. This is my home where I'm welcome and loved; this will always be home to me. And when I think of this place I'll remember it fondly and I'll feel peaceful whenever I return to this place I call home._

_I'm a little girl, only five or six. Not a care in the world. Just innocent and shielded from the dangers of this cruel world. When I smile it's a real smile. Not a smile conflicted with worries or desires; the smile of who has seen the bad in the world. It's pure happiness which has not been tainted yet. There's so much to learn so much to experience but I'm living in this moment with no worries or expectations needed to be meant. Just living, not questioning my existence or needing to know why. I'm alive and here and it doesn't matter why I am. There's no questions that need to be asked or answered just a life that wants to be lived. So I will and I'll learn along the way with no worries. Isn't that how it's supposed to be? All I really need to know is this is my home, where I come from and can always return to._

"_Hey Spencer," a cheery voice yells._

_I look to the voice. It's my friend Mark. We've been friends since we were born. He has many homes, but just like me we call this our home._

_I smile happily at him._

_"Hey Mark," I greet shyly. Everyone tells us we're adorable together and that one day we'll get married. I like Mark a lot; it seems to be our future._

_"I was watching this cool movie at my dads and they were doing really fun stuff!" I'm intrigued by his words, wondering what new game we can play._

_"What's it called," I ask curiously wanting to know more about this new game._

_"I don't remember I'll show you how to play it though! Follow me!" We run into my backyard laughing the whole way. He leads me behind our secret fort which is a bush but no one can see us and grownups are too big to fit in here so it's our secret hideout._

_We sit down laughing in hushed voices._

_"Okay show me the game," I squeal excited._

_"Okay but it's our game and you can't tell anyone else. Pinkie promise," he holds out his pinky._

_"I won't tell anyone Mark," I assure._

_"No you gotta!"_

_"Okay fine," I lock our pinkies together. He then proceeds to pull down his jeans so his white underwear are showing._

_"Mark! You're not supposed to show your undies," I laugh._

_"It's how you play though!" I wait patiently and then he exposes himself. I get a bad and guilty feeling in my stomach. My parents told me never to show those parts. I'm curious though I've never seen what adults call a pee pee._

_"You're not supposed to do that you're gonna get in trouble and you're gonna get me in trouble," I warn._

_"You pinkie promised," he reminds. I did promise…_

_"How are you supposed to play then?"_

_"You touch my pee pee," he tells me. Now I know this is a no no and I know I'd get in huge trouble for this._

_"I don't know..."_

_"I'll let you ride my motorcycle." Mark's grandma always bought him cool toys but I hardly got to play with them cause he was always saying it was his turn to use it or that I'd ruin it and get him in trouble._

_"Okay pinkie swear!" We pinkie swear and after I stare oddly and curiously at the strange part he has and I don't. Why's mine different from his and how does it work? I started asking myself questions a girl my age shouldn't even consider._

_So I reached out and touched it squishing it in my hand. It felt gross and kinda hard. Mark closed his eyes and started making weird noises_

_"Ewww," I say grossed out. I pull my hand away my curiosity fading away._

_"You did it wrong you're supposed to rub your hand up and down!"_

_"No it's gross!"_

_"Fine you don't get to ride my motorcycle!" My heart fell at the thought._

_"But you promised," I whine._

_"Well you didn't do it right."_

_"Fine," I huff. I do as he says and it feels rougher and he makes these strange noises. Right then and there I knew this wasn't right. But I wanted to ride the motorcycle..._

NEXT DREAM

_"I got these new toys wanna see," I ask excitedly._

_"Yeah," Mark replies with a grin._

_"Mom can we go in the basement please?" She gives me this strange look that I can't explain._

_"Okay Spence but be careful we're gonna leave soon for library."_

_"Thanks mom," I yell running down the steps. Mark follows me to the toy room and I proceed to show him the new toys I just got._

_"Want a sucker?" I look up at Mark and he has two suckers in his hand grinning down at me. He lets me pick the blue one which is my favorite. I put it in my mouth grinning happily._

_"Put it down your underwear," he tells me. I get a sick feeling in my stomach._

_"Why?"_

_"It makes it taste even better," he grins. So I put it in my undies waiting for something to happen._

_"No you're supposed to rub it back and forth!" So I do. It feels really weird and the chips in the sucker hurt so I pull it out._

_"That hurt and it kinda stings," I tell him._

_"Taste it now it's good!" I slide it into my mouth with Mark looking at me weirdly. I don't want the sucker anymore._

_"I don't like it here," I hand it to him. He slides it into his mouth and it grosses me out and gives me this really unsettling feeling. He pulls down his pants showing himself and rubs the sucker all over it. Mark's different now. All he wants to do is play the pee pee game and I hate it…I don't want to play…_

_"Lick it," he points to himself. I shake my head._

_"No."_

_"It tastes better than a sucker though I swear...and I'll let you ride my new jeep." Mark just got a new jeep yesterday I just had to drive it! Now I was really curious if it tasted like a sucker. I squatted to the floor and just stared at it for a while._

_"Come on Spencer." I sniffed it and it smelt really weird. A smell that I quickly wanted to forget. He purposely moved forward and it brushed across my lips into my mouth a little. I pulled back and scrunched up my face in disgust. I really hate this game I don't want to play it anymore. I go to stand up but Mark pushes on one of my shoulders shoving me to the floor._

_"You didn't do it right you have to lick it."_

_"I don't want to Mark."_

_"Fine I'm never letting you play with any of my stuff ever again." My heart sinks but my head screams no._

_"Okay...fine..." I slide back over to him and do as he said. It didn't taste at all like a sucker and I hated it. I wanted to puke. I knew this was wrong I knew my mom would yell at me and I'd get in a lot of trouble._

_"Pretend it's a sucker," Mark says. I hesitantly put my lips around it but I don't put it in my mouth because I really don't want to. I just want this to be over…_

_Mark's small hands land on the sides of my head. He starts to try and push it into my mouth holding my head in place. I can't pull away so I keep my mouth closed instead. He manages to push it in though. It just keeps going in and out I can't breathe and I feel like I'm choking. All I can hear is my heart beating and Mark's noises. Tears start to form in my eyes. I want my mommy..._

_He let's go of me and I fall to the floor coughing up a storm._

_"Spencer honey what happened?" Two warm comforting hands grab onto me._

_I look around for Mark, he's sitting on the carpet playing with my new toys and sucking on my sucker. He gives me this look. I remember his words that if I tell I'll get in big trouble. So I do what I've never done..._

_I fell and got hurt," I cry. I lie..._

NEXT DREAM

_"Spencer I got some new pokemon cards wanna see!"_

_"Cool Tyler! Let me see! Let me see!" I follow him under his bike tarp. It's like a little hideout. I've been avoiding Mark. I'm sick of playing the pee pee game its stupid and I hate it. That's all we ever play. We've played it too many times to count. So I've been playing with Tyler and his little brother. Tyler was older than me and Mark he was almost eleven._

_He hands me the cards and I stare at them in awe._

_"Oh my gosh you have a holo charzard! My brother told me that's rare!" I ran into my house and grabbed a stack of Pokémon cards that I thought were valuable and made my way back under the tarp. I pick out a bunch of holos, the ones that are my least favorite._

_"I'll trade you these for charzard!" He looks at the cards and shakes his head._

_"No deal."_

_"But that's like eight cards for one," I explain._

_"So these cards suck," he drops them on the ground. I pick them up carefully._

_"Please I'll do anything Tyler!" He thinks it over then points at my pants._

_"Pull down your underwear and I'll let you have the card." I knew right then Mark had told him about our game. Tyler would tell on me if I didn't. My eyes watered as I thought about all the trouble I could get in. So I wordlessly pulled them down. He touched everything I felt so sick to myself I wanted to cry. And then he made me play the pee pee game with him. Tyler's mom called him in for lunch and he gave me the card and left. I took all my stuff and ran home. I happily showed my brother the card. He looked at it then looked at me as if I were the dumbest person ever. He peeled the card and stuck it to the floor._

_"It's a sticker you idiot." It was just a sticker...I ran into my room under the covers with all of my stuff animals sobbing quietly._

**NEXT DREAM**

_I've been having a lot of nightmares and sleep walking episodes lately and my parents aren't sure why. I'm taking this pill now I'm not really sure what it's for but my parents make me take it every morning. I can't swallow it yet though I'm still learning how to do that._

**NEXT DREAM**

_I've been playing the pee pee game back and forth with Tyler and Mark. I hate that game that's all they want to do. But I usually get fun stuff after so I like that part. I still don't like it though and it feels bad and wrong...so I've been avoiding them and just playing with Tyler's brother Johnny. But Johnny asked me to touch his pee pee while we were playing so I ran away crying. My parents are gonna find out and then they will hate me and never want to see me again..._

**NEXT DREAM**

_I looked in the mirror and I hated me. My body just filled with anger and I felt sick to my stomach. I deserved to be punished I just know I did. I wanted to hurt myself. I punched my arm a few times but stopped when it really started to hurt._

_I'm just a little innocent girl right? It's like I'm just beginning life and I'm already corrupted and I don't even know that I am..._

**NEXT DREAM**

_I saw my mom and Mark's grandma arguing today. I know they were talking about me. I felt so guilty and bad like I had done something so wrong. Mark's grandma gave me this disgusted pitiful look. The days following that all my neighbors started to give me that same look. They'd whisper when I walked by and they stared at me looking disgusted and mad at me. I didn't know what I had done to them. I kept asking myself why, trying to find an answer needing to know an answer. I'm just a little girl why am I thinking about these things?_

**NEXT DREAM**

_My parents talked to my brothers. I don't know what about but they've been talking to them for a while and I think it has to do with me. Then they called me in and talked to all of us. They said they're older than me and need to look after me. _

"_You are not to play with Mark at all do you understand Spencer Carlin," my mother says in a very stern voice. I nod bowing my head feeling as though I must be the worst child in the world. I let my parents down and made them mad. I just hate me._

"_If you see Spencer around Mark you two are to separate them and come get me or your father immediately." My brothers nod their head in agreement. Now I let my brothers down too…_

**NEXT DREAM**

_I had no contact with Mark but I'd see Tyler and he would make me play the game for a juice box or something. Sometime after that I'm not really sure when Clay started kissing me on the lips. I knew it was wrong and I didn't understand. I thought he was supposed to look out for me. I was so confused though. He was older and could tell on me if I did bad then I'd upset my parents even more. I didn't want that…_

**NEXT DREAM**

_Clay would take me under the covers and basically lay on top of me. He'd kiss me with his tongue and move his body back and forth. I'd just lie there unsure of what to do. It felt like a metal pole was stabbing me. I felt so sick to my stomach but he was my brother. He promised he'd look out for me. He'd never hurt me…_

**NEXT DREAM**

_Then one day he showed me what the metal stick was and he made me play the game. This went on for a while I can't tell you how long. My memory was getting more unclear each day…_

**NEXT DREAM**

_I told Clay to stop one day and he did and it's like it all never happened. The games with Tyler didn't stop…_

**NEXT DREAM**

_Mark started coming around again and the games started back up with him too. Months passed it went on almost every day. I wondered where my parents were. When I was hurt they were supposed to be there for me I thought? They weren't there though. I felt so alone… _

**NEXT DREAM**

_The games started to happen with Tyler and Mark at the same time. I was a little girl and I had wanted to be gone from this world. My life had just begun yet I had wished it would end now…_

**NEXT DREAM**

_Then one day it happened with Tyler. We were playing the pee pee game under the tarp then he told me to pull down my underwear. I did as he said. He picked a stick up from off the ground and started poking me with it. It didn't feel good at all and I tried to move away but he just kept scooting closer. All the sudden he pushed it hard and it felt like I had been stabbed inside of my stomach. I cried and screamed. Tyler ran off. I limped to my house and locked myself in the bathroom. I was bleeding from there and I turned on the shower and sobbed. I didn't feel like a happy care free little girl anymore…_

**NEXT DREAM**

_The next days I stayed inside. Mark and Tyler would come by but I'd pretend I was sleeping. My other friends would come by too. I'd lie and say that I was sick so I didn't have to go out and play. My parents were worried and I could tell…_

**NEXT DREAM**

_We were in the car and my stomach was hurting so bad. I had never experienced so much pain before in my short life. I couldn't stop crying my head was pounding and my skin was on fire. My small little body ached from head to toe…_

**NEXT DREAM**

_"Mommy my tummy," I sobbed. I repeated this over and over as my mother poured the cold water over my skin... _

**NEXT DREAM**

_The days went by with a blur I'm not sure how many there were. I was in and out of it. Blurred figures and mumbled disoriented voices is all I could recall. I was in my own bed I know that yet I didn't feel safe or welcomed anymore. I don't want to call this place home anymore…_

**NEXT DREAM**

_"It's 107.6, I can't get it to go down I have to take her to ER," a voice echoed in my head._

**NEXT DREAM**

_I woke up numerous times in a hospital. I could tell it was a hospital by the smell and various instruments that I'd see from time to time not to mention the doctors and nurses that always seemed to be by my bedside when I awoke for a few minutes. They're faces were full of worry they were covering me with tubes and needles. I have no clue what happened…_

**NEXT DREAM**

_I was scared to death my clothes were gone and I was wearing just a gown. I was being wheeled down the hallway on a bed. A bunch of faces looking down at me the one that stood out though was my mom's face. She looked scared and there were tears in her eyes._

_"It's okay Spence. I promise it'll be okay Spence," her voice cracked. I had never seen my mom like this. I was the one hurting her causing her all of this pain. I tried to speak but my lips wouldn't move. I had never felt so weak..._

**NEXT DREAM**

_I woke up on and off again to numerous doctors holding my legs apart. It felt like I was being stabbed with the stick again. I screamed and cried and tried to fight them off but I wasn't strong enough they held me down. In the corner was my mom. Tears were rolling down her cheeks. She looked so helpless. For once she truly didn't look like the mom that could make it all go away_…

**NEXT DREAM**

_I slept. I was asleep but it's like I knew I was asleep. I heard many repeated words while I was like that. "Infection", "blood", "septic", "kidneys", "bladder", "coma", "die". The last word never left my thoughts…_

**NEXT DREAM**

_"Your daughter could potentially die...I'm so sorry," a voice said. My mother sobbed uncontrollably and I could hear my father's muffled cries. A strong man I once knew was broken down beside me. These cries were tearing from his throat so torturous to my ears. I wanted to say I'm okay I'm right here but they couldn't hear me for some reason. I was so little so small so delicate...and I was going to die..._

**NEXT DREAM**

_MARKTYLERMARKMARKMARKJOHHNYGAMESLIESTYLERTYLERTYLERHOSPITALMOMDADCLAYMARKMARKSECRETSLIESMARKTRUTHSTICKLOVEHOMETYLERMARKALONELIARLIARLIARDIEDIEDIEWORTHLESSSILENCENOTHINGPATHETICLIARWICKEDDIEHURTPAINALONEPROTECTSOLITARYHOMEHOMESMALLHOMEMOMMYDADDYINNOVENTGLENHELPMEHELPMEMARKMARKHELPMARKMARKMARKMARKMARKMARKMARKHELPMARKMARKHELPMARKMARKHELPMARKMARKMARKHELPMARKDIE!DIE!DIE!DIE!DIE!DIE!DIE!DIE!HELP…_

"Noooooooo!" I scream at the top of my lungs panicking and thrashing violently. I'm soaked in sweat my eyes are burning my cheeks are soaked in tears that won't stop coming. It's pitch black and all I know is this isn't home…

I run around smashing into a bunch of objects till I find myself in a corner. I pull my legs up to me chest wrapping my arms around them tightly. I scream at the top of my lungs wanting the memories to go away.

"No! Nooo! No! Noo! Nooooooo," I scream petrified.

I'm just in this state of panic scrambling around bumping into things and every time something touches me I freak out even more and start thrashing around.

A door flies open and light creeps into the room. I try to back up even more to keep out of sight. The light shining in is probably revealing my location. I can feel another presence I know they're there!

Horrific thoughts run through my mind along with gruesome visuals. I can see every detail every color. I can tell you the smell in the air, how fast my heart beat, the panic erupting from my stomach expanding its fear to my chest, the sound bouncing off the walls, the goose bumps forming all over my body, the piercing chill in the room, and I can tell you every emotion I was feeling. It was all just in my head yet it felt the things occurring in my mind were being reenacted right in front of me.

"No! Noooo! No! No! No! Nooooooooo," I scream. I grab onto my head digging my nails into my scalp trying to shake the thoughts. My skulls gripped so tightly between my fingers under my fingertips I can feel pressure on my cranium turning into an excruciating headache.

"Spence what's wrong!" I hear the figure moving around the room I can't look up I won't look up I refuse to.

"No! Go away," I beg in tears.

"Spence it's me!" They're getting closer and closer and closer. Each step they take is like a punch to my chest extracting my very existence out of my body.

"Get away!" They won't listen though. A strong hand is placed on my arm causing this bitter feeling to erupt inside of me feeling as if venom is traveling through my veins straight to my heart.

"No!" My body goes into what many call survival mode. The only thing on my mind I have to survive I have to get myself to a safe environment.

"Go please," I beg dropping to the ground pressing my face into the carpet.

My body is practically convulsing as I try to get away from the toxic hand. I can't escape though. Next stage of survival mode, defense and offense.

I kick, punch, scratch, scream, and even bite something but I'm not sure what. I do know that my limbs are connecting with another object.

"Spencer stop it's me!" I continue to fight off the offender as much as I can but I can't shake them off. Suddenly there's a pressure on top of me. My wrists are held down restrained beside my head. I can move legs somewhat but I can't push the weight off my body. I'm stuck. Next stage of survival mode which is the point where you're past desperation...do whatever it takes whether it be humane or inhumane.

I start to bang the back of my head against the ground as hard as I possibly can. The strong hands constricting the movement of my arms are lifted from my wrists and move to clasp the back of my neck prevent me from moving my head. Immediately with all of my might I push the figure away. The weight is lifted from my body and there's a loud crashing noise.

The light peeking into the room is my way out. I scramble to my feet and run as fast as possible on my legs that are shaking and feel like jellow. I can hear the person following me down the stairs. I don't think about where I'm going I just run until I find myself in a lit up kitchen. I'm still being chased and I realize that I need a weapon. I search the drawers hurriedly until I find a sharp chef's knife.

As soon as I turn around and hold the knife up the person stops a few feet away holding their hands up cautiously.

"Spencer...put...down...the...knife," Ashley says slowly.

"No get away," I scream threatening it in her direction. She steps a little closer to me very slowly. I back up hitting the counter causing me to jump.

"Spence...it's gonna be okay...just put the knife down..." She steps even closer to me.

"Stop! Get away," I scream. She doesn't listen though she takes a few more steps. The thoughts won't go away they just keep coming back and coming back...I'll never forget.

I lower the knife.

"Just like that Spence..." I look into Ashley eyes tearfully. I shake my head and place the knife over my left wrist. There's so much wrong; the past and present.

"I can't," I mutter tiredly, shutting my eyes. I push the blade against my wrist and pull the sharp knife against it.

"Spencer no!"

My wrist feels nice and hot. There's no pain at all just this feeling of warmth and comfort. But...I have the same sensation on my other wrist too...

I focus a bit and I feel this presence on certain parts of my body. Confused I open my eyes. Immediately I spot the knife on the floor between my feet but there's no blood. I look to my left wrist but there's no hot red liquid pouring out of my body. Just a warm hand gripped firmly and tightly around it but not in a painful manner. I look to my other wrist and it has a hand wrapped around it protectively just like the other.

Ashley's got my wrists in her hands and my back to her front. It's not like she's restraining me. At least it feels different from that.

She has my arms along with hers crossed over my chest and she's hugging me to her warm body as if she'll never let go.

I start to sob uncontrollably and just let my body go limp and sink not caring if I fall to the floor but Ashley holds me up like I weigh nothing. I feel as if I am nothing. Not a person, not some type of being or living creature, nothing special, not an object, not Spencer Carlin, not alive, not dead, not even just a presence that's simply there for some sort of explanation or no reason at all, nor am I a waste of a space. I'm nothing.

The definition of the word nothing is described as not anything; no single thing. Synonyms include not a thing, not anything, nil, zero, naught/nought, zilch, zip, nada, diddly-squat, etc. Experts cannot explain nothing because there's nothing to explain, and nothing means nothing. Not a future, not an existence, not a life, no hope, not a fucking thing. It does not stand for something nor is it linked to anything. So why explore something that is nothing?

"Spence?" he voice is scared and frightened.

"I..." I don't finish because I don't know what to say, I don't want to say anything. I don't care.

"No...don't say anything," a voice replies. I start to cry even more and my body begins to shake. My body's lowered to the floor never being released from Ashley's arms.

I try with little effort to get away but she just holds onto me more tightly. Ashley kicks the knife away then backs us up until she hits the counter with her back. She spreads her legs and wraps them around my body pulling me into her then she sets her legs down on either side of me.

My body is heavily slumped against her chest. She slides my wrists down my torso so both our arms are wrapped around my tummy.

"Shhhh...it's okay Spence," she whispers softly into my ear. I begin to sob even more than before, tears streaming down my cheeks. She hugs me to her rocking us slightly.

"It's okay," she repeats. Her voice and warmth causes me to cry even more, erupting whimpers from throat.

"It will never be okay," I say brokenly.

"Then I'll make it okay," she reassures with great conviction.

**Author's Note:** Well I mean I don't have to say it you just read it. Don't let the past, present, or future hold you back and just don't let it define you. You know there are people I know in my life have gone through the worst things ever; unspeakable and inhumane acts done to them. They're the strongest people I know. They're so caring, so loving, so accepting, so considerate, so amazing. I always find myself wondering why they don't hate the world when they should. I still haven't found the answer to that and maybe I will never understand. But maybe one day I can be like them and not let the past make me who I am. I don't know just think about it and stay strong guys. I'm here if you wanna talk.


	10. You're Not Alone

**Author's Note:** Thank you guys so much for all of the positive feedback it truly means a lot to me. I guess I'd to explain some of it. Writing it out just seemed so unreal I mean we were all kids. **Mark**...he was already troubled. Looking back I realize what an odd childhood he had. His dad was a drunk and a very aggressive man not that he ever hit Mark. His parents were really in love and for some reason they had a divorce and they both were beyond bitter. His mom had a fiancé after the divorce in less than a month and his father was dating and sleeping with different woman all the time and sadly Mark had been witness to his parent's ways. His parents both had very troubled pasts with drugs and alcohol and that's how they met, through that connection. Neither of them cared what Mark did and when he would whine they'd give him whatever he wanted. He'd see his parents argue all the time as well. His father was going through a lot so it was decided he'd stay with his grandma who was neighbors to me and he'd see his father or mother on weekends. Mark had been exposed to his father's sex life and treatment towards women. I think he became curious or interested in the topic of sex. He'd watch the videos his father would leave out and that probably peaked his interest more and he wanted to do what he witnessed. He was a kid that's what kids do. I'm not sure what he was thinking or what was going on his mind. The sad thing is I still do like Mark after everything. I don't like like him but I like him. I don't know why and it's frustrating and I don't understand it but we have some sort of connection that I can't explain. Years later I was hanging out with a neighbor and Mark happened to be there. He bragged about me sucking his cock when we were kids. I denied it of course and when I got the chance I hid away in my house. Now Mark is into drugs and alcohol just like his dad. He's extremely aggressive and it's why he was kicked out of school. He's trying to turn things around though so I'm happy for him. I see him from time to time. We always share this look with each other each time. I think we both remember. Part of me thinks he is sorry but I don't know maybe that's wishful thinking.

**Tyler**...honestly I think he was old enough to know that he shouldn't be doing that. That's the age when hormones really start going into overdrive and he acted on it but there's no excuse. Later down the road I saw Tyler in high school he looks really good. We looked at each other as if we both looked familiar but never spoke a word. A friend of mine was close friends with Tyler. I told her I knew him we used to know each other as kids and live by each other. She brought me up to him and he basically denied ever knowing me.

**Johnny**...his little brother Johnny was younger than me and Mark. He really looked up to Tyler and wanted to be just like him. I can't really blame Johnny.

**Clay**...he was a brother to me. Both his parents had died at a young age and we took him in he was truly a brother to me. I'm not sure why the abuse started with him. I think he was just like Tyler. He knew it was wrong but didn't think twice. I finally told him no one day after that and it stopped. My parents don't know to this day and Clay and I have never spoken about it. I wonder if when he looks at me he thinks about it too. I don't know though. Today he's so protective of me and he loves me. He's the brother I always wanted, more protective than my real brother Glen. I forgive Clay and I love him as if he were my actual brother

**My parents**...they don't know the whole story and they don't know how long it went on for. It all happened so fast and I don't think they knew how to handle it I don't know how they found out about Mark. I know they never found out about the other stuff. It went on for a few years I know that. I wish they would've handled things differently and been there for their little girl especially my father. I remember my father in the hospital only that one time when I heard him crying and that was it. He never handled death well and that's understandable but I guess I wish he'd step up more. My mom had brought up the abuse to me in a session with the counselor and I denied remembering anything. The counselor covered for me saying sometimes they don't remember traumatic events. I think she knew that I remembered but I also think she knew that I wasn't ready to face the past.

**Me**...As a little girl I clearly didn't understand but as I grew up I started to comprehend what had happened to me as a little girl and that was really hard on me especially having no one to talk to. I don't think I ever want to bring it up with my family. There are many unasked questions but why bring up the past when it's the past? Digging up the past has brought back things I don't even remember and things I'm not sure if are real or fake. I think the hardest part is that I can't remember what happened to me, at least not all of it. It's frustrating that I can't remember my own past but I'm learning to cope. I still get the nightmares; sometimes they're bad and sometimes they're good. I tend to keep them to myself though.

Lastly the whole **hospital story**...I was already born with a long lasting abnormality with my kidneys and bladder. We hadn't known about it at all though until years later when the sexual abuse occurred. The sexual abuse became darker as well as the penetration of a stick. From that I got a simple uti but with the birth defects it became more deadly. As a little girl the abuse had made me more shy and timid I wouldn't really talk and then I remember this extremely painful stomach ache it was so painful one of the most painful things I've experienced. The infection was so bad and it traveled to my kidneys. The kidneys filter your blood and my kidneys were spreading this infection throughout my entire body making my blood septic. For those who do not know septic blood in the body is basically a bacteria in the blood. This is a severe blood infection and as you already know blood is sent all over your body from your brain to your heart to well anywhere in your body. Septic blood can lead to organ failure and death. I was so little so it was hard to treat me they could only do so much. And the infection was at such a severe stage that it was practically too late. Doctors had told my mother that the infection was spreading to my heart. That surely meant death. I was starting to show signs of falling into a coma and if I fell into a coma I would most likely never wake up or that I'd die in a coma from the infection. I survived though and I'm not sure how. Lol doctors called it a miracle. I don't see myself as a miracle and I sure as hell wouldn't call myself a miracle. A miracle is something miraculous! Something incredible and well lol that's not me. Currently my bladder is complete shit and my kidneys aren't what a normal persons kidneys should be like. And one of my kidneys is even weaker than the other. Lol so yeah that sucks but I've managed and my family and I take precautions to avoid severe infections. As long as I don't get infections like that though then I don't have to worry about transplants or something. As of lately though I've been having recurring infections and even a kidney infection. It's not due to my sex life, uncleanliness, or anything. I've just been getting them so they want me to see some specialist. Lol oh well I guess.

The night after writing the last chapter was extremely tough on me but I managed thanks to all of you and my incredible girlfriend. Thank you everyone for your kind words they really touched my heart. Hope everyone had a merry Christmas! I just cannot ever begin to express how much your words mean to me. Thank you guys.

**EyesOfTheSoul-** Thank you so much that truly means a lot to me and I really hope people are hearing. Lol I'm trying to walk tall. Thank you!

**I applaud you-** You know you made me cry when I read this baby. You're not harsh babe I love how honest you are. Of course and um I'm sorry if reading this hurt or upset you…You say I deserve credit but you know I've never been like that. Lol true you saw how upset I was after, thanks for being there baby. Lol oh I see where you used arduous, lol you badass you. Awww baby :( Babe you're cheesy and adorable and a total sweetheart. Lmao just my shoulder? Even when you're being super sweet you're still possessive. I love you so much baby XXXXOOOXXXOOOXXXXOOOXXXOOOXXXOOOXXXOOOOXXXXOOOOXXXXXXOOOOXXXXXXXXXXXXXXOOOOOOOOOOXXXXXXXOOOOOOXXXXXOOOOOOO :)

**Dav7788-** Lol awww thank you so much. Thank you I'm just trying to get it all out you know. For anyone it's not easy to move on but I'm giving it my best. I truly appreciate all of your kind words they really mean a lot to me. Lol hopefully I finish them all I really want to. Merry Christmas to you and I give you my best wishes. Thank you so much.

**1319-** Lol so I've heard. Hope you liked it.

**gina32-** Lmfao they really piss me off too! Lmao right. Maybe but I'm still pretty dumb. Awww thank you so much that truly means a lot to me. Lol I'll try thanks again.

**A Mind That Sits Still-** Lol you praise me? I think you're giving me way too much credit. Lol I won't say I liked writing it. But thank you the reassurance I'm getting from you guys speaks volumes to me.

**Guest-** Thank you that means a lot, I truly appreciate it. My father says the same thing allllllllllllllll the time I really know the saying. Your mom's a wise woman. Thank you for your kind words.

**Kungfu Kia-** Thank you. It's not right but it happens to a lot of people. I hope my story can reach out to others who have gone through abuse. Thanks again.

**Guest-** It sucks but it's true. Thank you so much.

**xyepx-** Mine does as well. Thank you.

**cOmPeLLeDbyLoVE-** I love how strong she is in real life. She's so incredible and is truly my hero. Thank you. I hope you like this chapter.

**Godlove-** Lol not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing but thanks you.

**Drugs or Me**

Chapter Ten: You're Not Alone

I awake with a start sending a jolt of panic throughout my body. I go to move but I'm held in place. I look down to find arms wrapped around my stomach. I attempt to sit up once more only to be tugged back into a warm body.

"Last night was rough," Ashley says in a raspy voice.

"Yeah..." I recall last night but relax a little knowing it's Ashley.

"You snore soooo loud Spence." I can feel her chest rising and falling against my back with each breath she takes; it's somewhat comforting and soothing.

"No I don't," I yawn. She pulls me into her more resting the back of my head just under her shoulder.

"You really do but it's cute," she replies resting her chin on the top of my head.

"How long have you been awake?"

"All night," she replies.

"Oh...thank you," I mumble. I can feel her shrug.

"I wanted to make sure you were okay."

"You didn't have to..."

"No...but I wanted to," she responds. I feel her hands release my wrists. I realize she must've kept her hands like that the entire night. Ashley keeps an arm wrapped around my tummy and places her palm on my forehead.

"What," I ask.

"You feel warm." She takes her hand and slides it into my hair letting the strands glide between her fingers. She runs her fingers through my hair for a bit getting the knots out. It's relaxing but she stops and part of me wishes she hadn't.

Ashley puts her hand back on my forehead feeling the clammy skin under her fingertips. I wince as they run over the right side of my frontal lobe. Ashley's body straightens up and soon I feel her eyes on me.

"We should take care of those cuts and bruises," she tells me. I'm not sure what she means though.

"Cuts and bruises?"

"Yeah, you got them all over trouble." I look down and spot many small cuts and bruises covering my entire body. She lifts me to my feet with little effort.

"Come on Spence." I follow her into a large bathroom where she has me sit on the counter. She turns on the sink running a wash cloth under it. After wringing it out she starts on my legs cleaning up the cuts then rinsing off the rag. She does this same process to my arms.

"Close your eyes." So I do. A hand is placed gently on my cheek then a warm compress is rubbed carefully along my forehead. I open my eyes even though I was told to keep them shut. I find myself looking straight into her vibrant eyes. I watch her face closely as she concentrates thoroughly on her task.

She finishes and lowers both of her hands but we end up in some sort of staring competition. I lower my eyes feeling too vulnerable. I notice her arms are covered in scratches and there's even a bite mark on her forearm that clearly broke the skin. It looked terrible it's all purple and black.

"I'm sorry," I blush. She follows my eyes to her arms.

"It's okay, they don't hurt." I hesitantly grab the washcloth and start to clean her cuts and she lets me. I save the bite mark for last. Being extremely careful I proceed to clean the wound. Ashley doesn't even flinch. I finish and set down the washcloth.

"I'm sorry about last night," I finally say, feeling incredibly guilty.

"It's okay I have nightmares too," she admits.

"You do," I inquire surprised.

"Sure do. Mostly every night. I have my really bad nights too...although I've never threatened someone with a knife yet," she teases.

"Sorry," I blush nervously.

"Stop apologizing Spence it's okay," she grins sweetly. Once again I find myself staring into her curious eyes. Her brown globes peer into mine studying me like before where it's as if she can see deeper than what she sees. It's like she sees past me. It's strange and a bit scary; I mean no one can see your soul by just simply looking into your eyes. Yet I feel as though Ashley can see something else that no one else can. What she sees I'm not exactly sure. I don't mind though I sorta like the way she looks at me...

"You okay," she scans my eyes with worry.

"Yeah."

"Good," she smiles.

"What now?" She helps me off the counter and leads me to the living room. She tells me to lie down on the couch then she sits down next to me placing my head on her lap.

"Really?"

"What? You could have a concussion or something. I'm making sure you don't start seizing," Ashley explains. I chuckle softly but make no attempt to move, I'm comfortable like this...

She turns the TV on and relaxes into the couch. After a few minutes I feel her fingers rubbing the small bump and cut covering part of my forehead; it feels good actually. For a moment I realize how incredibly odd and weird this is. I don't know, at the moment I don't really care and what was normal about last night? Right now this is nice so I'm just gonna go with it.

She turns Nickelodeon on and laughs quietly at SpongeBob annoying Squidward. I look up at her face watching silently. She's like a little kid I swear. Ashley has this happy little grin on her lips and she laughs whenever something dumb happens on the television. Feeling my eyes on her she looks down finding amusement written all over my face.

"What," she asks unaware.

"You like SpongeBob," I tease.

"It's a good show and it's my favorite," Ashley argues.

"I didn't say it was a bad show."

"Then what?"

"You're like a big kid," I tell her.

"Pssshhhh I'm older than you."

"Are you," I teasingly arch my eyebrows.

"Of course I am."

"I don't know many people your age who still watch cartoons."

"Cause they're not as cool as me. I love cartoons!"

"Wow...you're cool alright," I giggle. She rolls her eyes with an amusing glint in her brown orbs. I smile to myself and relax into the couch and Ashley's warm comfy lap. After about half an hour of SpongeBob I feel something wet hit my cheek. I rub my cheek and eyes. It's not from me. I look up at Ashley and see a droplet sliding down her cheek. Is she crying?

"Are you okay," I ask in a whisper. I get no reply.

"Are you upset about earlier?" No reply.

"I'm really sorry about that…" Still nothing.

"When I was a little girl some…stuff…happened. I have dreams about what happened…" Silence…

"So you're not talking to me now," I say frustrated after putting myself out there.

"Fine." I push on her hands to get them off my head but she doesn't move them.

"Seriously?" So I move them for her and they're really heavy, she's making me do all of the work. I sit up and her face is inches from mine. I pause for a minute and look at her closed eyes studying her long eyelashes and her relaxed expression.

"Ummm…sorry," I blush. I wait for some sort of acknowledgement but I get none.

"Why won't you talk to me?" I get a soft snore in response. She is not sleeping. But sure enough…she is sleeping. I shake my head at my stupidity.

Her eyes are closed peacefully with a stress free expression. Her lips are parted a bit with the corners of her lips curled up slightly, making it seem as if she's grinning. I can't help but laugh at the drool on the corner of her lips. I reach up with my hand, cupping her cheek and wipe the drool away with my thumb. Ashley's mouth closes then she scrunches her nose up and wiggles her mouth and nose at the same time then relaxes again.

I smile at her motions and am reminded that my hand is still on her warm cheek and my thumb is at the corner of her lips. I know I should move my hand but I keep it there and watch her face intently. Sammy comes to mind and how I was noticing her and I can't help but notice Ashley in the same way.

My gaze lowers to Ashley's chest. Her chest is a bit bigger than Sammy's chest, and she's fully grown and developed not like high school girls. My eyes slide down her flat stomach and to her lap. My eyes widen when I see my palm is pressed against her jean-clad thigh. I must've put it there when I was sitting up.

One hand is cupping her cheek while the other is pushed against her upper thigh. My fingers twitch against her muscular leg but I can't pull my hand away. What am I doing? She's gonna wake up and think I'm fondling her or something!

I go to pull my hand away but that doesn't happen. My palm ends up sliding down her fit thigh. The jean material feels soft against my hand and I can feel the heat coming from the skin underneath her thin jeans. My hand ends up on her knee and I slowly pull it away. I sigh thankfully but I'm not really relieved.

My gaze lands on the hand on Ashley's cheek. I lower my hand a bit moving her hair aside. I see something shiny poking out of her hair. I curiously move her hair aside to reveal a small silver stud in her ear lobe. I rub my thumb against her earlobe feeling it against my skin and I start to wonder if she has anymore piercings. My fingertips carefully move up the cartilage on the side of her ear but I can't feel anymore piercings. I move my hand back onto her cheek, willing myself not to check Ashley's other ear for piercings. I notice her dark eyebrows, which are perfectly sculpted, and feel the urge to touch them. So I do. With my other hand I touch an eyebrow with two fingers. It's really soft…

Immediately I take my hand away.

"What am I doing," I mouth in disbelief. I sigh and look back at my other hand on Ashley's cheek. I lower my eyes to her lips. Slowly I slide my thumb along her bottom lip. It's so soft and damp from her drooling. She's so much prettier than Sammy…

I freak out and remove all contact between us. I watch her from the other side of the couch. She's asleep but she can't be too comfortable in that position. I contemplate moving her for a good ten minutes then slide over to her. I lay Ashley down on the couch then stand above her awkwardly. Finally I lift her head and sit back down on the couch, gently resting her head on my lap. I'm not really sure why I did it. I guess I wanted her to be comfortable.

I settle my stiff body into the couch as much as I can, trying to relax but it's really not working. I gaze down at Ashley not knowing what to do with myself. Very hesitantly I slide a hand into her curly hair, rubbing my fingertips along her scalp. I smile peacefully as I stare absentmindedly at the television not really paying attention to SpongeBob.

**Author's Note:** It was really short but it's been awhile since I posted so I thought I'd give you something. I hope you liked it. Well tell me what you think I guess. Later guys!


	11. You Can't Forget

**Author's Note:** Hey guys I hope everyone had a Happy New year! Thanks so much for all of your kind words they're really inspiring and encouraging to hear; you guys are way too sweet!

**Short but cute- **You're short but cute ;) I feel like that's her favorite show in the world! Pssshhh so you're saying I'm ADD?! Lol alright you show me this study! Sadly they're canceling SpongeBob so that's really sad :( Uh huh you're creepy you stare at me all the time but I don't complain. Well I am hot n cold. Lol I would hope so. No I'm not giving her enough credit! Well you are perfect in my eyes :D Okay I'll think about it stud!

**Kungfu Kia-** Thanks glad you enjoyed it! Lol thanks.

**gina32-** No I get what you're saying it's relaxing to write a chill chapter. Lol I wouldn't agree but thanks. If only I could be like that allllll the time. Thanks I'll try!

**A Mind That Sits Still-** Lol no that's not necessary. Then I'm happy to please! Lmfao you can't she's one of a kind :D But there's a sweetheart out there for you! Actually it feels good to write out the bad stuff not sure why though. Lol you guys give me wayyyy too much credit. Hey you'll get there one day when you're ready to think about it thinks take time and that's okay there's no rush :) Thanks so much!

**Trmack9-** Awww I'm sorry I don't mean to make you cry! :( OOOOOOOOOO SUPER hugs for you. I'm really sorry to hear that but hearing you open up about it like that shows me that you are a very strong individual and that you must've come really far already come. You inspire me really you do. You're stronger than you think. That is tough when you know someone loves you then you know they're not gonna hurt you. Give yourself more credit girl! You were able to tell me all that as well as be accepting of what happened and it really takes a lot out of someone to do that. So congrats to you. Thank you so much for your inspiring words.

**EyesOfTheSoul-** Awww really you guys give me too much credit but in your time you'll be able to face it. Well my goal is to help others so I really hope people are hearing. Thank you so much. You're strong you'll overcome it; it'll take time but you'll get there one day. Don't rush it. You're not alone there's always someone :) If you ever need to talk or want advice I'm here to listen if you need. Thanks so much I love reading everyone's reviews.

**Anjela78-** Thanks Happy New years and Merry Christmas to you! You're too kind I wish the best to you as well and that your holidays were a good time. Thank you so much for your kind words!

**xyepx-** Lol awww thanks! :( I don't want to make you cry! I'm sorry! But thank you I hope you liked it!

**h-** I'm sorry to hear that but I'm very glad he stopped and even stopped before you. Awww thank you so much I truly appreciate I wish I could say fuck off but I gotta behave -_- True they don't help either they just make things even worse and change who you are. Okay don't get me wrong here or think I'm trying to be pervy but I do that with my girl. Sometimes you just need rough love or tender love you know and there's nothing wrong with that. The only difference I tell my girlfriend how I'm feeling and what I'm thinking; anything that's really bothering me. To get it out helps and communicating it is a really good thing. But after if I'm still feeling down I just want love sometimes and she knows that. It's unspoken but she knows what exactly what I need without having to say it and I love her for that. So I don't really see sex as a bad thing. Just try to communicate you're feelings before and get all of it out it can help. If you're feeling down after some loving isn't bad. Communicate though girl! The whole "I feel" sounds lame but holding it is doesn't help. Give it a shot. You don't have to go in major detail you can just say I'm sad and upset, you don't even have to say why you can work up to that when you're comfortable. But I promise you it helps :) Thanks again!

**WARNING THIS CHAPTER IS GRAPHIC AND VERY MUCH RATED M!**

**Drugs or Me**

Chapter Eleven: You Can't Forget

"Well this is different." My sleepy eyes slowly open as I stretch my body, feeling a weight on my lap. I look down to find Ashley looking straight up at me.

"Soooo whatcha doing," Ashley asks in a playful voice. Her eyes are gazing upwards at my arms. My hands are both gripping her hair. I release the curly strands of hair and stiffen up.

"Um..."

"Thanks Spence," she grins. I scratch the back of my neck nervously, feeling extremely out of place.

"No problem," I tell her, not meeting her eyes.

"You okay Spence?"

"Yeah..." I shift uncomfortably. She sits up so her head is level with mine and her brown orbs are staring into my blue eyes. Her eyes move higher up my face to my forehead.

"It looks worse," she touches the bump with her fingertips. I flinch at the gesture and move back. She appears a bit upset and saddened by my movements. Full of guilt I look to my lap, causing her to lower her arm. There's a loud sigh then a weight lifted off the couch. The warm presence beside me is now in front of me.

"You feeling any better," Ashley inquires in a strange voice.

"A little," I reply awkwardly. There's an unnerving silence that I know I caused.

"I should go..." I say slowly.

"Spence you can stay. I don't mind." I rise off the couch, a few inches from her. Her soft lips make me remember last night when I slid my thumb over them. But I mind...

"I have to go. My family's probably worried about me..." No they're not...

"Okay...come on I'll drive you home," Ashley walks away. I follow along, full of guilt. Ashley opens the passenger's door for me then closes it when I'm safely in.

"I'll be right back," she tells me, running into the mansion. She returns a few minutes later with my bag in hand. Setting it in the backseat, she hops into the driver's seat. We take off and I can't help but subtly look at her arms. They're all cut up but they're not as bad as the bite mark I left on her forearm. There's no concern for infection since I didn't break the skin but still…it looks really awful. Bite marks are etched into her skin and inside of them is a bunch of red dots indicating that the skin was almost pierced. Purple, black, and blue bruising surrounds the bite and it makes me feel terrible

The entire car ride is full of ear stabbing silence. I know I'm responsible for making it weird but I didn't know what to say! Like I'm really facing the whole nightmare thing right now; I'm thinking more than clearly. I freaked out, attacked her, threatened her with a knife from her own kitchen, stared and touched her while she was sleeping, and I even bit her for Christ's sake! How do you talk about stuff like that? You don't you avoid it! I refuse to face it and if I have to ignore Ashley in the process then I will. I don't know I don't want to talk about this stuff with her or anyone or that matter. I don't even want to think about myself. I have this weird relationship with Ashley if you can even call it that. I still don't know her at all and she's still a stranger; we're not buddy buddy. Not to mention I've been a complete pyscho druggy bitch to her. Like yeah let's be friends. Yeah right this situation is already fucked up enough and I don't need this crap.

"Spence?"

"Huh," I look to Ashley expectantly.

"We're here." Looking around I find us parked in my driveway.

"Oh." I step out of the expensive car and make my way to the porch.

"Spence wait!" I halt my feet and turn just in time to see Ashley jump out of her car. She pulls my bag out of the backseat then brings it to me.

"Here," she holds it out.

"Thanks," I throw it over my shoulders. She grins but it's not a full grin like she sometimes gives me. Leaving her there I make my way to the porch, but a gentle hand stops me by gripping just above my elbow. My body's turned around and pulled into a warm embrace; I relax into her body and let her hug me reveling in the feeling.

"You don't need the drugs or alcohol...they don't help. I'm here if you need me Spence, you've got my number." Ashley releases me, pulling away slowly. She grins happily and walks away sliding a hand into her pocket absentmindedly. I don't have her number.

"Um I don't have your number," I call out.

"I plugged it into your contacts while you were sleeping," she smirks. Okay that's kinda weird.

I go into my house not bothering to say goodbye. Silently I rush up the stairs to avoid anyone that might happen to be home. I shut my bedroom door and lock it before lying down on my bed, tossing my bag to the floor. Out of curiosity I scan through my contacts to find Ashley's number, she's not under A though.

"Beep!" I open the text from the contact "Good Company", a number I don't recognize but I know exactly who it is.

**Good Company-** message me if you need me, I'll be around :)

I don't reply to Ashley. Like I said we're not friends. I'm not ever sure what we are but I don't really care to figure it out right now. I'm beyond exhausted so I simply get under the covers and shut my eyes sleepily, sighing somewhat contently.

_**DREAM…**_

_I'm on my porch, enjoying the warm summer sun. I'm a little kid maybe five or six but it's hard to recall. Wanting to share the day with my friends I jump up and poke my head against my screen._

_"Mom can I go over to Ambers" I yell into the house._

_"Okay Spence but be sure to check in and be careful," mom calls back._

_"I will!" Amber is literally four houses down from mine, but I still have to always ask for permission whenever I want to go somewhere._

_With a smile planted on my face I skip happily along the sidewalk to Amber's house. I knock three times, attempting to be patient. It's a great day though I wanna play!_

_I continue to knock but no one comes to the door which makes me frown. That just ruins my whole day!_

_Glancing side to side I scan the area for anyone in sight but there seems to be no one around. I open the screen door cautiously…I don't think it'd be a problem if I went inside...mom says I'm not supposed to go into places without be invited in but it's my friend and I knocked so I don't see the problem with it._

_I open the unlocked door and step inside. I've only been in here a few times. Mom doesn't like me going into other people's homes if she's not there with me._

_"Hello," I call out gently. I hear footsteps in the kitchen so I make my way towards them. I turn the corner and halt all of my movements. It's not Amber though it's her dad...and he's got a gun. I have toy guns too but it looks like the ones from the movies. It's all shiny and it doesn't look plastic_

_He's pointing it right at me with the intent to shoot me. I know that because of the look on his face...it's more realistic than the movies. His face is hard with anger and bravery, but it contorts in confusion at the sight of me. _

_My body begins to shake involuntarily and my vision is blurry with silent tears. I wanna say please don't kill me, just like in the movies how the victims beg for their life to be spared, but I can't open my mouth due to being stricken with fear and my chattering teeth. His face washes over with what appears to be guilt but then it turns back into a fiercer anger. He lowers the gun and drops it to the floor, turning his back to me._

_"Fuck," he yells holding his hands to his head. I want to run but it's like my feet are glued to the floor. He faces me once more with a red face enraged in anger. So much anger he begins to sweat, his eyes pop, the veins in his neck poke out against his skin, and he clenches his fists tightly as they shake. _

_"Get the fuck out now," he screams rumbling the house with his rage. I run for my life feeling my heart pound against my chest. I charge into my house locking the door shut behind me. Mom speed into the room startled._

_"Spencer what happened?!"_

_"He tried to kill me mommy," I sob at the top of my lungs. My father runs down the steps spotting me right away._

_"Who? Were you playing a game and got hurt," my mother asks in that motherly tone full of care and worry._

_"I I went to Amber's house and and no one answered so I went in and and then Ambers dad was there and then he he had a gun and he pointed at me," I choke out. Her eyes widen at my words._

_"Did he hurt you," dad inquires angrily. I shake my head in response. His feet pound across the floor to the door._

_"Arthur don't!"_

_"He could've killed her," he spits out viciously. I've never seen dad so angry before._

_"I'll handle it. Spence go to your room and I'll be there soon okay honey?" I nod my head and run up the stairs, hearing my parents argue. I shut my bedroom door and grab my blankly and my simba stuffed animal. My little feet rush to the window to see my parents making their way to my friend's house in a quick pace. Dad pounds on the door and Amber's dad opens the door. I can visibly see them shouting and yelling. Mom says something then dad walks away angrily. My mother is yelling and flailing her arms around, getting in Amber's dads face. This goes on for a while before he holds his hands up then retreats into the house while my mother continues to yell at the closed door. Mom and dad talk loudly back and forth before walking back home. There's a loud pounding coming up the steps._

_"SPENCER!" My door is swung open and dad angrily stomps in._

_"You never ever ever go into someone's house without being let in do you understand me," he screams in rage. I nod my head tearfully._

_"I said do you understand! Yes or no Spencer?"_

_"Yes," I choke out in a small voice._

_"You're grounded!" And with that he slams the door shut behind him. Immediately I get under the covers, hearing my parents argue back and forth downstairs. I'll never go anywhere without being let in._

I wake up with a start remembering the fear I felt in that moment but I relax realizing it was just a dream. It's not as bad as the other dreams but it's still upsetting in a way. I shakily take some pills and fall back asleep.

**Next day...**

I stayed in my room basically all day popping pills every few hours to cope with all the dreams I've been having. It's late right now and I'm tired beyond belief, but every time I fall asleep I dream about my past. Every time I drink I recall my past and its always bad things never good so I don't like to drink but sometimes I just want to be completely shit faced. It wasn't worth it though. After that one dream I just keep dreaming about the past.

I roll over in bed trying to stay awake but my eyelids are refusing to stay open.

_**DREAM**_

_I look into the mirror, seeing my young face and my hair done up in a neat pony tail. I have to stand on my tippy toes just to see my whole face. I've got a plain look on my face. I don't appear to be happy or sad…I'm just there._

_I shut the water off and wipe my clean hands on my dress pants. I know where I am. I'm at church. We go every Sunday and although I hate to get up early I enjoy seeing my friends at church. I've grown up with these kids so we're all very close. _

_I leave the bathroom and head to class. I'm late and I was supposed to be in class already but I was playing basketball in the gym. I had the whole gym to myself and the janitor forgot to put the basketballs away so I got to play. I'm really good! I'm the star player on my team. I hope I can be a basketball player when I'm older. _

_I rush into class, which was a big mistake because we are praying. The teacher opens her eyes to give me a stern look. Disrupting prayer is like the worst thing you can do at church and I always seem to be the one messing it up. _

_I walk to my seat trying to be quiet but my dress shoes are clicking loudly against the tile floor. Maddy opens her eyes and starts to giggle and I can't help but giggle as well. I'm known to be a trouble maker in church but I really try to be good! I really do!_

"_Spencer," the teacher warns. I shut my mouth and bow my head._

"_Sorry," I say loudly._

"_Shhhhh," she holds a finger to her mouth. I sit down next to Maddy, who grins at me. Maddy is my best friend! We never get to hang out outside of church. Maddy and her mom live hours away. They leave super early to get here. Her mom helps with people that are disabled or like can't hear. She's cool and really nice._

_We finish prayer and the teacher glares at me._

"_Spencer you're late again. How come?" I say the first thing that comes to my head._

"_Umm I had to poop." My friends all giggle but the teacher doesn't find it funny._

"_Spencer…"_

"_Okay…I was in the gym I'm sorry," I apologize._

"_Don't let it happen again. Okay kids open your bibles to Psalms." Uh oh I left my bible to the gym._

"_Here you can share with me," a voice whispers. I look to my right at Alex. He's a good friend too but I really like him and I think he's cute…he likes basketball too and he's good like me. I love his dirty blond hair to and his big brown eyes._

_He smiles warmly and slides his chair closer to me. Alex puts the bible between us and points to where we're at in the book._

"_Thanks," I blush. We finish our lesson but I was talking to Alex the whole time and the teacher kept glaring at me._

_We all pile out the door but the teacher holds me after to yell at me. I eventually get to leave and Maddy's waiting outside the door for me._

"_Come on let's go to the gym!" I smile happily and run down the hall with her to the gym._

"_I gotta go potty. Come with me," Maddy says when we get to the gym. So I follow her into the bathroom._

"_Do you gotta go potty?"_

"_Yeah I guess," I shrug. I go into the largest stall which is the best one. I attempt to close it but Maddy grabs it._

"_I was here first," I tell her._

"_So this is big enough for both of us." _

"_No go into your own." But she pushes her way in and shuts it. I stand there not knowing what to do and not wanting to do anything._

"_I'll go first," she says. She pulls her pants all the way down and sits on the potty. Immediately I look turn to the corner and look away._

"_You can look we're both girls." But I don't look. She finishes then flushes._

"_Okay you go," she tells me. I shift uncomfortably on my feet._

"_I don't have to go," I lie._

"_That's not fair you just saw me go so you have to go." I go to open the door but Maddy moves in front of it._

"_Move or I'm telling my mommy on you!" She moves and I rush out of the bathroom. Maddy follows me out and acts as if nothing just happened but I just really don't feel like playing with her right now. I ignore her as much as I can and play basketball with Alex and Timmy._

_**Next Sunday…**_

_I'm going to Maddy's to stay the night there. After church Maddy and her mom are taking me to their house. There's like a special early service tomorrow so they're bringing me back to church tomorrow. I'm so excited to go to her house I've never been there! When we get in the car though I begin to realize how far they live from the church. They literally live hours away._

_Maddy and I played for a while outside then we went to her room so she could show it to me. She shuts her bedroom door and sits on her bed. I sit on the floor checking out all of her cool toys._

"_Wanna see something," Maddy asks._

"_Sure," I shrug, joining her on the bed. She picks up a bear stuffed animal._

"_Oh that's cool," I say, thinking it's dumb. Maddy surprises me by stuffing it down the front of her pants beginning to move it up and down. My body goes rigid and I get an unnerving feeling in the pit of my tummy._

"_It feels good you try!" She pulls it out of her pants and sets it on my lap. I look down at it feeling disgusted. Mark comes to mind and I'm stricken with fear thinking it's happening again. I didn't like this at all. I shut my eyes tightly wishing I was anywhere else but here. There's shuffling and loud noises so I reluctantly open my eyes. Maddy smiles at me and holds up a brush._

"_You can use a brush too! It feels better," she explains. She takes off her bottoms and does the same thing she did with the bear. Panic shoots through my body sending a painful jolt to my heart. My eyes start to burn with tears but I blink them away and swallow the lump in my throat. I tell myself over and over again to move. Finally I leap off the bed and dash out the door, running into Maddy's mom in the kitchen._

"_Careful sweetie," she chuckles, tapping my shoulder like a mother would. I relax a bit and look up to her, viewing her as protection._

_I wrap my arms around her waist hugging her tightly and just wanting her to protect me. Maddy and her Mom were so different. Her mom always treated me as if u were her own daughter. I don't think I've ever seen her get mad._

_She wraps an arm around my back and presses her palm against the back of my head hugging me back._

_"You okay sweetie?"_

_"Thanks for letting me come over Miss Olsen," I mutter into her stomach trying to keep myself from crying._

_"Awww sweetie no need to thank me I'm happy to have you over," she says genuinely. I squeeze her tighter and she hugs back. I'm not sure how long I stayed like that though but she hugged me for as long as I wanted. I loosened my grip and she let go of me. She placed her hands gently on my shoulders, crouching so she's level with me. She smiles sweetly at me like I was her daughter._

_"You ever help your mom cook?"_

_"Sometimes," I nod._

_"Wanna help me cook," she grins at me._

_"Can I?" My mom doesn't let me help that much because she says cooking can be dangerous._

_"You sure can sweetie!"_

_"Really?"_

_"Uh huh you can be my little helper! But we're missing something," she straightens up tapping her chin jokingly._

_"What?"_

_"Well if you're gonna be my little helper you need an apron."_

_"Okay," I giggle. She walks away then returns with an oversized apron._

_"That's too big," I laugh._

_"Naaa it'll fit," she plays along. She puts it on me and it's clearly too big. She stands back to examine it but she can't keep a straight face and bursts out laughing. I laugh along with her forgetting everything else._

_"Well that's a little bit too big," Miss Olsen smiles._

_"A little? It's huggeee," I hold my arms out to show how big I think it is. She giggles and helps me take it off._

_"Okay okay you don't have to wear it buuutttt you have to promise not to get anything on your clothes or else I'll get in trouble from your mommy deal?"_

_"Deal," I agree. She kneels and holds out her pinkie._

_"Pinkie promise!" I giggle and lock my pinkie with hers._

_"I'll be extra extra careful," I insist._

_"Alright let's get cooking!" Miss Olsen sits me at the table with a cutting board and a bunch of potatoes._

_"I get to cut them," I inquire excitedly._

_"You're still too little for that sweetie," she laughs. _

_"Awwww no fair," I pout. She hands me this strange tool._

_"You can't cut them but you can peel them!" I stare at the tool oddly, touching the end with my fingertip._

_"But this isn't even sharp!" She smiles and takes the tool out of my hand._

_"I'll show you sweetie." She runs it across a potato pulling some skin off._

_"Wow let me try!" She lets me try it and eventually I get the hang of it; the whole time thinking a potato peeler is the coolest think ever._

_I peel and she rinses and cuts. I had so much fun but when Maddy walks into the kitchen the happy good feeling is drained from my body._

_"Come play," Maddy says, holding up her hair brush. I shake my head frantically._

_"No I'm helping cook." She frowns at my words and for about five minutes tries to convince me to play. I keep saying no and she starts to get upset with me._

_"Why don't you help us honey?" I really don't want Maddy to help. I don't want her touching anything just the thought of it makes me sick._

_"Cooking is dumb," she says plainly. And with that she walks away and I'm beyond relieved._

_"Guess it's just you and me sweetie." I smile happily and nod my head._

_We finish dinner and then we all eat together. Maddy tries to get me to play after but I refuse and help Miss Olsen with the dishes and food. Luckily after we're done Miss Olsen says it's time for bed. My erupts in fear._

_"Miss Olsen I'm not supposed to stay the night I was just supposed to spend the day here," I tell her knowing full well it's a lie. I've somehow convinced myself that it's the truth._

_"Sweetie you're supposed to stay the night," she says in a small voice with worry written all over her face._

_"No," I start to cry. I don't want to have to share a bed with Maddy I won't do it!_

_"Let's call your mom Spence." Miss Olsen calls and spends a couple of minutes on the phone with my mom then she hands it to me._

_"Spencer you knew you were staying the night," mom says._

_"I don't want to mommy," I cry._

_"Spence you're hours away and I'll see you tomorrow. It's just one night."_

_"Come get me."_

_"Honey I can't you're gonna have to tough it out."_

_"I don't want to," I sob._

_"I know Spence but sometimes we have to do things we don't want to do. I love you sweetie I'll see you tomorrow okay?"_

_"Okay..." I sadly hang up and hand the phone to Miss Olsen._

_"It won't be so bad sweetie," she comforts me._

_"I don't want to sleep in Maddy's room," I beg._

_"Wanna sleep on the couch sweetie?" I nod tearfully. She sets a comfy bed up for me on the couch. I get under the cover and she gets on her knees beside me just as Maddy walks in._

_"What are you doing," she asks._

_"Spencer's gonna sleep in here," she replies._

_"Fine," she responds, looking irritated. She walks off leaving her mom and me alone again. Miss Olsen tucks me in and smiles comfortably down at me._

_"My rooms right there sweetie if you need anything don't be afraid to ask okay?" I nod my head in understanding. She leans down and kisses my forehead sweetly like a mom is supposed to._

_"Goodnight Spencer," she smiles._

_"Night," I reply. She walks off leaving me to myself. All I can hear is the old clock ticking. Fear begins to set in when I see Maddy walk into the living room dragging her stuff. I spread my body out and shut my eyes pretending to be asleep. _

_"Move over," she nudges me. She tries to push me over but I refuse to move at any cost. There's a loud sigh then I hear Maddy settling on the other couch. I let a shaky breath out and squint through the dark over at her. She pulls off her pajama bottoms and tosses them to the floor. I shut my eyes fearfully. I feel her prodding me in the face with a stuffed animal trying to wake me up. After a while she walks away and I thank God. All I can hear is the leather couch making noises and the loud ticking clock..._

_**NEXT DREAM...**_

_Maddy's staying the night at my house tonight. I really don't want her to but her mom's going out of town and my mother said she could stay the night. I've been avoiding her at church as much as I can but I won't be able to avoid her when she's in my own house. Luckily though Miss Olsen isn't dropping Maddy off until night time so well have to go straight to sleep. _

_Maddy arrives and my mother carries her stuff up to my room. Realization sets in that she's going to sleep in my bed with me. I beg my mother to let me sleep in her room but she says it's not nice or fair to leave Maddy all alone, so I end up stuck in bed with her._

_I hold the new tiger stuffed animal tightly to my chest. My mother just gave it to me today and I love it so much._

_"Let me see," Maddy whispers. _

_"No!" _

_"I'll tell on you that you're not sharing!" She sits up so I reluctantly hand it to her. I pray to God hoping she won't do anything to my tiger. Maddy holds it in her hands flipping it around, studying it then she shoves it down her pants._

_"No don't," I cry. _

_"What?"_

_"I just got him today don't do that," I beg. She pulls it out and stares at me. All of the sudden she shoves it down my pants pushing hard and moving causing this tingle. I rip it out of my pants and push Maddy hard and she starts to cry. I run out of the room and sneak into my mothers. I slide under the bed and curl up into a ball on the cold wooden floor. I hear tiny footsteps stop by the door but they eventually leave. I fall asleep like that..._

_**NEXT DREAM**_

_Dads watching me today while everyone else is out._

_"I got your mom a present wanna see?"_

_"Okay but you can't tell her," dad says._

_"I won't!" He pulls this weird thing out of a bag._

_"She'll love this," he explains happily._

_"What is it," I ask causing him to chuckle._

_"It's a back massager Spence," he hands it to me. _

_"It's a back massager," I question confused._

_"Pull it apart," he laughs. I pull it apart making it shape like an "L" and the circle part at the top starts to vibrate._

_"That's silly," I giggle._

_"You try it! It's a good gift!" I put it on my back and it starts to massage. It feels good and it makes me think of the tingle I got. Without really thinking I press it between my legs. I feel the tingle and jump. I quickly pull it away and giggle._

_"It tickles," I laugh. I look to my dad and he's not laughing. He looks really upset and unsure. His face contorts in anger and turns red._

_"Don't you ever do that again," he screams ripping it out of my hand. I stare at him hurt and confused not even understanding what I did wrong._

_"That is a bad thing to do! Never ever do that again Spencer!" I nod my head quickly. He looks on angrily then he yanks me off the ground and bends me over his lap spanking me continuously and harder than any spanking I've ever received. I winced at every single smack. This went on for what seemed like hours but then he finally stopped._

_"Go to your room now and don't come out for any reason you're grounded!" I scramble off his lap and run to my room and close the door, beginning to cry._

_"What did I do," I sob quietly, rubbing my aching back end. It's hot and u turn to look at it and it a dark red with multiple hand prints. There's purple bruising that's beginning to show. I've never been hit that hard and I don't even know what I did wrong. I make my way to my bed walking in a goody manner to the excruciating pain I'm in. I lay on my stomach under the covers because it hurts too much to lie on my back. I begin to sob uncontrollably gasping for air asking myself over and over again what I did wrong but I can't figure it out. I got punished and I didn't even do anything wrong I keep telling myself. But dad wouldn't punish me if I didn't do something wrong. I spend the next six hours sobbing and asking myself what did I do wrong..._

I jump awake and sit up looking frantically around the room. I realize though that it's just another stupid fucking dream.

I pull my knees up to my chest and bow my head starting to shake with tears. My phone alarm going off cause me to jump. I grab it and look at the time. It's the next day and I'm supposed to be at the bus stop in twenty minutes.

"Mother fucker," I slam my fist into my bed. I hurry up and get ready throwing on a reddish brown hoody that I cut a slit in the collar. I only have a thin yellow tank top and bra on underneath but I say Fuck it and throw on a pair of tight whitish gray skinny jeans. I slide my black and white converse sneakers grab my bag and head out the door.

I run to the bus stop just catching it in time. I plop down next to Miranda huffing loudly. She looks to me with a humorous expression on her face.

"What the Fuck happened to you," she chuckles.

"Long fucking night," I sigh.

"I bet," she winks.

"Shut up," I nudge her with my shoulder.

"You said it!"

"Uh huh..." We arrive to school and I hop out with Miranda feeling exhausted. I head up the steps and run into Troy. He's my black friend and fricken hilarious everyone loves him.

"Hey Spencer!" He wraps and arm around my shoulders and pulls me to

him.

"Troy don't mess with me or I'm gonna have to kick your ass," I warn.

"Damn you white girls are so harsh always hatin' on a nigga." I can't help but laugh at how ridiculous he is. He's a really good friend but always touchy feely but I don't mind I guess. I have a small crush on him but it's not gonna go anywhere.

"I wouldn't hate if you'd keep your hot cheeto covered fingers off me," I joke.

"There you go hatin' on a nigga for lovin' flamin' hot Cheetos, fried chicken, water melon, and Kool-Aid. You white people eat that nasty white people shit," Troy goes on. Oh my God he's unbelievable but he cracks me up.

"Really," I chuckle. We get to math class and I wait for him to walk in.

"Ladies first. I'm a gentleman."

"Sure you are," I scoff. As I walk through the doorway a hand connects with my ass making a loud slapping noise. Troy giggles and runs off.

"Troy you asshole," I yell rubbing my butt. He looks back at me smirking and runs right into Colin. He's wearing one of those tight muscle shirts showing off his stomach and large biceps and I can't help but check him out. He gives me that cute toothy grin and waves. I blush and wave back.

"Get him," I yell. Troy goes to run but Colin is stronger and easily pulls him back. Colin slaps him over the head and shoves his shoulder. They're friends but you know how boys are.

"Aww man," Troy rubs his head.

"Don't mess with her man cause then I gotta hear her complain," Colin warns jokingly.

"Y'all white people crazy," Troy runs into math class. Colin walks up to me and shoves me playfully.

"Watch it punk," Colin teases. I push him out of the way and walk into class. He follows behind chuckling in that deep voice I love. I sit down in a seat and Colin goes to sit beside me but Troy beats him. I'm a little bummed but it's funny to see Colin annoyed. He ends up sitting on the other side of the room with no desk buddy.

"Awww shit," Troy says.

"What?"

"My nigga just texted me I'm screwed."

"What'd you do now Troy," I laugh. Troy is always in the office in trouble and usually for something really stupid.

"I was smokin' at the bus stop and this dick ratted me out," he scoffs. I practically piss my pants laughing.

"You idiot who smokes pot at the bus stop?"

"A real nigga," he points to himself.

"Sure Troy sure."

"White bitches is so cold always tryna put a real nigga down."

"Poor Troy," I pout teasingly.

"This is exactly why I gotta stop datin' you white hoes," he jokes.

"It wouldn't have anything to do with having more than one girlfriend at once?"

"Psshh you makin' false accusations cause I'm black."

"No just cause you're a player Troy."

"Fuck that I'm so high right now." I chuckle at him and lean back in my seat. The teacher turns the lights off and turns the overhead on telling us to take notes. Troy moves his chair closer to me and sets his hand on my thigh.

"Troy move your hand," I glare.

"Okay," he slides it higher up my thigh.

"Troy take your hand off my thigh now," I warn.

"Make me," he teases playfully moving his hand to my inner thigh. I grab his hand roughly and shove it into his chest hard. He thinks I'm playing and continues to touch my thighs practically touching between my legs making me really uncomfortable. I start to remember all of my dreams especially Mark. My blood is boiling I'm about to fucking lose it.

"Troy you're wanted in the office," the teacher says. Troy removes his hand but not before giving my thigh a squeeze. I glare daggers at his back.

We continue with notes and I constantly break the lead from pressing to hard and scribbling. I snap the pencil in half and throw it on floor getting a few looks and laughs but I don't fucking care. I'm about ready to walk out when Colin sits down next to me.

"You dropped your pencil," he smirks, dropping the broken pieces in front of me. I ignore him and continue to glare at the wall in front of me.

"Hey what's wrong? Did Troy piss you off?" I don't respond

"Don't let him get to you he's an asshole." I look to him annoyed.

"He's a fucking dick," I mutter. Colin chuckles.

"Good to know you're okay," he grins, showing off his perfect white teeth.

"Want me to beat him up for you," he asks sweetly, even though I know he wouldn't actually do it.

"Yes." He does this throaty laugh real deep and masculine.

"I so could," he brags.

"Yeah right leprechaun," I scoff.

"What? Look at my muscles!" He flexes his huge biceps showing off how strong he is.

"What those puny things are muscles," I tease. He pulls his shirt up a little showing me his tight abs.

"Feel them."

"No I don't wanna touch those flabs." He rolls his eyes and grabs my wrist, pressing it firmly against his abs. He is really strong and I should be loving every second if this, but I'm enjoying this like I should. In fact, I'm not enjoying this at all. I wish my hand was pressed against Ashley's taut stomach. I rip my hand away and blush ferociously but not because of Colin...because of Ashley...

He smirks, thinking he's the cause of me being flustered.

"You two done flirting," the teacher calls out. I bow my head ignoring the snickers and giggles. I slap Colin's stomach making the laughter grow and he just revels in the attention.

I finally have government class and set my stuff down next to Amanda. I'm a fucking idiot I have no fucking pills on me and Ashley must've taken the alcohol out of my bag.

"Wow you loom sober," Amanda chuckles.

"Shut the Fuck up," I growl.

"Someone's grumpy."

"I don't have any of my stuff," I huff.

"Come over to my house after. I'm gonna hang out with Natalie. We can get high before she comes over cause she doesn't do that shit." Natalie...her name makes my skin heat up. I'm flirtatious with all my friends that's just how we all are but Natalie is so graphic with me and touchy feely and I like it...

"Um yeah I'll come."

"We haven't hung out in a while. We're gonna get so fucked up," she smirks excitedly.

**Author's Note:** So I didn't properly edit this cut I just didn't wanna read through this another time. Firstly, speak up about any abuse. It's not okay and it doesn't have to be sexual abuse. If it makes you uncomfortable its abuse. Don't be afraid to speak up; because you matter. Also I was not trying to be racist that is how my friend would talk and if you know me I joke around A LOOOTTTT and if something I say bothers someone then just tell me and I stop and that's that.

Secondly, in school a lot these days I see this very frequently. Guys touching girls inappropriately all the time and most girls just laugh it off and guys think it's funny but seriously what's funny about slapping some girl's ass or squeezing her boob. That's really not cool. Yeah some girls may like the attention but it's very disrespectful and degrading. And I see this kind of shit happening with really young girls that are still in elementary and I'm just disgusted by it. I do not understand why guys feel like they have the right to touch a woman or a young girl like that. I never handled it well when guys would mess around like that as you can see but I'd feel uncomfortable and violated. I mean guys would I don't know gobble gobble or whatever it was called and that was where they'd grab a girl's crotch and I remember laughing these things off with my friends and guys thought it was cool. But seriously that stuff is not cool and can really cause some serious damage to a lot of girls more than you know. If you see this don't laugh it off like I did say something do something! Girls do not be afraid to say something tell them like it is because it's not funny or cool or whatever you think it is. You don't deserve to be treated or degraded like that and if a guy does it once he thinks it's okay to do more so stick up for yourselves ladies! Guys who do this or even girls who do; what the fuck is wrong with you? Knock it the fuck off and show a woman respect you do not lay your hands on her like that, it is so incredibly disrespectful! You would never treat your mother like that so plain and simple don't do it.

I'll talk about what happened more next chapter but I just don't wanna dig it up rn. Lastly any kind of drug abuse it's not worth it. If you feel like you're all alone and no one understands then make someone understand because there's someone there who loves and cares about you and hey I'm here if you need to talk or advice or whatever. Stay strong! Later!


	12. Animals

**Author's Note:** Hey guys so there's a few things I wanna explain from last chapter. The whole thing with Madison I can't really say how I got placed in a situation like that again. I don't know if it's ironic, or I deserved, or whatever. It happened and that's that. Madison was my best friend but I always found her odd even as a child. After what happened with her I didn't really talk to her I tried to avoid her. Her mom actually ended up getting a job at another church that was closer to their home so I didn't have to worry about her anymore and ever since then I haven't heard from her or seen her. She's been mentioned when my mom talks about Madison's mom but it's brief and rarely comes up in conversation.

I don't know much about it but I do know her parents went through a nasty divorce and that her father was a scumbag cheater. Her mom and Madison were the ones who got screwed over. Madison's mother is one of the kindest ladies I have ever had to opportunity to know. She didn't have secrets or keep things hidden she was an open person and was always going out of her way to help others. Madison and her mom were not alike at all and I never had the opportunity to know her father, but I wonder what he must've been like. At church her mom was like a mother to me and she really treated me like I was her own daughter, she was so sweet to me and I believe she loved me like a daughter and I saw her as a mother figure. There are not enough people like her who just give to everyone else and are genuinely kind and caring regardless of what they go through. I've seen her once at another church and she was helping the disabled. I got to see her after and we had a brief chat because she had to leave, but she hugged me and smiled at me genuinely like before and it was nice. Luckily Madison wasn't around. I didn't see Madison at all well I thought I might've but I hid out in the bathroom till my mother was ready to leave.

Oh right the whole gun thing. My point of Madison and the gun dream is that they both effected my life in the way that I was scared to go to places and I wouldn't stay the night anywhere not even family unless my mother was with me. I never would go anywhere without being let in even if they say come in and I'm still like that. I see the gun thing as something really small but it's still changed how I approach things. I actually ended sleeping in my parents' room for a very long time till finally my mother said enough and that I was too old. I would still try to sleep in her room though even if it was on the floor or outside her room in the hallway.

Also the thing with my dad…he'd never had a daughter in his side of the family and he really didn't know what he was doing and that wasn't apparent to me until I got older. He didn't know how to handle things so I guess he did what he thought was best. My dad's the sweetest guy ever and I look at my friends dads and I realize how lucky I am to have a father like that. He loves me unconditionally and would literally do anything. He's even said he loves me more than my mother and that I come before her. He's the one who really accepted me for being gay lol even when I came home covered in hickeys saying I was with my girlfriend. He just wants me to be happy and I do love my dad. We don't have a really good relationship though and I don't know why just when I see him I get angry and irritated and I'm a complete bitch to him. I know I'm bitter on the inside like really bitter but I honestly haven't figured out why and I'm not sure if I ever will. I guess part of me just wants him to know what to do and make it better and understand me but I know that won't happen.

Like I've said before I was using drugs to escape my problems and I promise you it's not the way to go it's really not worth it. In the end you end up all alone and once you're there it's really hard to find a way out. Anyways I hope you like this chapter and thank you for all the kind words guys. It was hard for me to write this chapter because it makes me miss the feeling I got from the drugs and I really don't like to think like that so I had to stop a few times. Anyways here it is.

**gina32-** Thanks! Yeah I know fucked up shit. Lmao really now? Jeez lol that's why I don't work but unfortunately I'm looking for one! Lol I'll try thanks number one fan! Lmfao hey I'm not that legal. Maybe you can convince my girl to do a few body shots with me lol.

**Godlove-** Thanks hope you liked it.

**googoo4u-** :( I'm sorry to have made you cry. Yes that has been the hardest part I think once I started growing up I learned more and I started to understand the past and I had no one to talk to about it so I kept it to myself. I'm angry because I was a little girl and I'm upset about the ways things were handled and I question a lot if it's why I like girls but I don't know. Well I wouldn't say I'm strong simply because I struggle with wanting to take pills every day and a lot of people don't realize that. Just cause I've been clean doesn't mean I've been cured or whatever. But like you said I hope to help others with my experiences and say what I've learned and that you're never alone. :) Thank you so much for saying that it means a lot I hope to show others that we can choose how things affect us. Thank you I won't :) It's really awesome to have people who are able to understand from different POV's, thank you. Lol they sure will. I love getting reviews like this they really touch my heart so thank you you're awesome!

**EyesOfTheSoul-** Thank you :) No problem I'm here for anyone if they need to talk! Awww thanks!

**Ur parents suck-** Lol you would say that. I don't know I don't think my dad knew how to handle the situation I mean obviously he didn't. I don't know I always felt like maybe I deserved it or had done something wrong. Lol guess you need to go back to high school to see how it is now. Don't they always get worse for her? Lol you cringe for more…well something tells me you're really gonna hate this chapter then kick my ass.

**guest-** Thank you. No Ashley didn't hear. Ashley was awake all night keeping an eye on Spence not to mention she was up the previous day so she was going over 24 hours. When they were on the couch Ashley felt safe to relax finally. Lol me too but Spencer's fucked up rn and she can't see or doesn't want to see things for what they are let alone face them. Lol we'll get there eventually. Well I'm "Spencer." Probably at a really young age I had an idea I liked girls more than guys. In high school I really started acting on it and noticing with guys I didn't enjoy things as much as I should. I didn't really want to accept it. So I included the feelings I had towards men and women. With the drugs I had a reason to act on my feelings without really being questioned. Spencer's a virgin hasn't even kissed anyone the only experience she's had is her past. I wasn't about having sex. My friends were having sex just to have it and saying I should so I got new friends who were classy and didn't feel the need to give there selves away like that because everyone else was. Lol well drugs aren't better but I never wanted to do it just to do it because everyone else was. I didn't are to say I was a virgin I was quite proud of it. Lol I know what you mean I've felt the same as I write it. Lol wellll you will have to find out ;) Thanks! Hope I was helpful!

**Drugs or Me**

Chapter Twelve: Animals

"Jeez where do you live," I ask, looking at all of the run down homes and dirty streets. I've never been to Amanda's house before just hung out with other people and at different places with her.

"I live near a ghetto neighborhood," she chuckles.

"You're so racist," I shake my head.

"I'm part black," she says.

"You're Hawaiian," I scoff.

"Close enough. They're closely related." Since when?

"They're really not," I giggle. The bus comes to a stop on the side of the rode.

"Come on," Amanda sits up and slides over my lap into the aisle.

"You know you could've let me get out first," I follow behind her.

"Nope." We step off the bus and she leads me to a fence.

"Umm where are we going?"

"Short cut," she grins.

"Uh this is someone's house."

"Would you rather walk all the way around," she points behind us. That's a lonnnggggg walk and I really wanna get high now.

"No, alright let's go." I hop the fence with her and we sneak around a shed.

"Wait," Amanda whispers.

"What?"

"The neighbor," she mouths. I follow her line of sight and there's a man sitting on his porch.

"Shit," I murmur.

"Alright on three," Amanda replies.

"What? No way!"

"One..." My eyes widen more and I raise my eyebrows warning her.

"Two..."

"Amanda no..."

"Three!" She takes off quickly and expertly jumps over the fence.

"Hey," the man yells.

"Fuck," I mutter. I run hastily across the lawn and launch myself over the fence landing roughly on my hip.

"Keep off my property," he yells as I scramble to my feet and race around the corner.

"Took you long enough," Amanda smirks.

"You're a dick," I flick her off.

"Come on, I live right down the street," she points to a home at the very end of the road. We walk along the sidewalk and approach her home. I follow her inside and I can't help but notice how messy it is.

"I'm home mom," Amanda yells upstairs, where there's clearly only one room. I step around the messy floor following Amanda to her room. She sits down on her bed while I plop down on the floor since her bed is too crowded with a mess.

"So what do you wanna do?" Get high.

"I don't care," I shrug.

"Wanna call Natalie?" My stomach does flips and my throat goes dry.

"Sure," I nod coolly. She picks up an old fashioned pink phone from the floor and hits a few buttons.

"Hello," a voice answers.

"Hey whatcha doing," Amanda asks.

"Oh hey Amanda, just on Facebook."

"You should come over."

"It'd take me an hour to get there," Natalie replies.

"Have someone drive you," Amanda suggests.

"My mom won't be home for another hour and its kinda cold out," Natalie groans.

"Come hangout with us!"

"Us? Who's us," she asks curiously.

"Spencer's here," Amanda glances at me.

"No she isn't," Natalie scoffs.

"Yes she is!"

"Let me talk to her then." Amanda rolls her eyes and hands me the phone.

"Hey," I answer casually.

"Well hello sexy! Whatcha doing over there," Natalie asks.

"Oh you know nothing really." She chuckles through the phone sending shivers through my body.

"You staying out of trouble Spencer?"

"I always stay out of trouble!"

"You always somehow find a way to get in trouble," she insists.

"No I don't!"

"Yes you do," she accuses.

"Fine then I guess you better come keep an eye on me and make sure I stay outta trouble," I flirt.

"Ugh you want me to come over?"

"Yeah come hangout," I plead with her.

"It's cold though!"

"Then I'll keep you warm," I toy.

"..."

"Come on..."

"Ugh...okay fine but I'm not walking there. I'll be over in about an hour."

"Sweet," I grin triumphantly.

"Try to stay outta trouble till I get there."

"No promises," I smirk. She chuckles throatily and I can just picture her smiling.

"See you soon sexy," Natalie says.

"Later," I hang up.

"So is she coming," Amanda asks.

"In an hour."

"What do you wanna to till then?" Get fucked up!

"I don't know," I shrug.

"Wanna go to the garage?"

"Sure." I follow her outside to the garage that's more of a wooden shed. As soon as I step inside the stench of cigarettes and pot fills my nose. I settle in a lawn chair and Amanda sits across from me in a metal chair. There's a wooden coffee table in front of us covered in burn marks.

"Want a cigarette," Amanda asks.

"Yeah." She slides open the side of the table and I catch a glimpse of a bong.

"Whoa what's in there," I ask excitedly. She pulls out a purple bong, a pack of cigarettes, a lighter, and a zip lock bag full of various pills.

"It's my brothers but I use his stuff from time to time."

"Doesn't he know?" She lights up a cigarette and takes a drag.

"He's never here and even if he was he's a dumb pot head," she hands me the cigarette. I place it between my lips and inhale deeply instantly causing a calming effect throughout my body. I breathe the smoke out of my nose chuckling.

"You're nice." Amanda shrugs and takes the cigarette out of my hand.

"I've never smoked from a bong before," I admit. Amanda smirks handing the lit cigarette back to me. It's a little damp as it touches my lips but I don't mind.

"Really," she smirks.

"Yeah just a few joints," I shrug. She grabs the bong and lighter off the table.

"I'll teach you," she grins. She presses her mouth to the top and lights the side. There's bubbling and smoke rising. She sucks in the smoke and holds it in but ends up coughing it out.

"Nice," I smile.

"Whatever," Amanda hands it to me. I set the cigarette down and pick up the bong. I light up and take it like a pro, holding it in for as long as I can. I breathe the smoke out steadily and give her a toothy grin. She rolls her eyes and takes the bong.

"What kinda pills are those," I motion to the plastic bag, picking my cigarette up.

"Happy pills," Amanda sneers.

"Are they safe to take," I ask, unsure if I should take them.

"Are you asking me if drugs are safe," she snickers.

"Good point," I laugh, lifting up the bag. I take four random pills and swallow them dryly. For the next hour we smoke a shit load of pot and when I say a shit load I mean a lot of fucking pot. Amanda takes a few pills and I pop two more. My phone goes off and I pull it out, having trouble unlocking the screen.

**Natalie:** be at the park near Amanda's house in 10

**Me:** kkkkk

"Natalie's coming," I cheer.

"Shit lets clean up." We stumble into her room and shut the door not so quietly. I can't stop laughing and end up tripping over something on the floor and falling backwards onto Amanda's bed. She laughs and points at me frantically.

"Shit Spence!"

"What," I sit up.

"Come look in the mirror." I jump off the bed and stand next to Amanda observing my appearance in the mirror. My eyes are completely bloodshot along with thick black lines under my eyes. Damn I look like hell.

"Shit," I rub a fingertip under my eye. Amanda's eyes aren't too bad but if you were to look at either of us you'd be able to clearly tell we were fucked up.

"I know! Glasses!" Amanda wrenches out some glasses. She puts on a circular dark red pair of glasses and I throw on a pair of square black sun glasses. You can only see my eyes if you're inches away from my face and I doubt I'll be in some stranger's face.

"Kay let's do this," I slur, pulling up my hood. We head to the school next to Amanda's home where there's a group of four boys on their bikes in front of the school.

"I know them," Amanda announces, so we walk up to them.

"Hey bitch," a boy greets.

"Shut up you love me," she slurs, hugging the boy sitting on his bike.

"Are you drunk," he asks.

"Nooooooo." The boy chuckles noisily.

"What the hell did you smoke and where's mine?"

"We totally smoked all of that shit," I cackle.

Who's this," another boy asks.

"That's Spencer my friend! You guys should hook up," Amanda squeals enthusiastically. The boy sneers and moves his bike forward closer to me.

"You're cute," he checks me out. I blush a little but my face is already flushed red from the drugs so it's impossible to tell. I walk up to him and rest a hand on one of his handle bars, making his smirk grow.

"And you're a seventh grader," I shove his shoulder. His face falls but he recovers quickly.

"Eighth grade," he corrects. Whatever like I give a shit.

"Uh huh sure." Amanda blunders over to me and slings an arm over my neck while resting her head on my shoulder.

"You guys should kiss," the other boy says. Amanda and I look to each other at the same time. I smile at her and she grins back goofily. She leans in and plants an incredibly sloppy kiss on my cheek.

"You're a really bad kisser," I giggle, wiping at my cheek profusely.

"I'm high!" Amanda walks back to the other guy and he wraps an arm around her. A car pulls up next to us and Natalie steps out waving goodbye to the driver. She watches the car take off then turns to look at me.

"Spencer!" She runs at me wrapping her arms tightly around my neck causing me to stagger backwards a bit but I manage to catch myself. I wrap my arms around her midriff pulling her into me and picking her up a bit. Her body arches and I feel every single curve pushed against me. I inhale deeply loving the smell coming off her. My arms unwrap themselves but she keeps her arms snug around my neck. Curiously I step back dragging her along with me causing her to stumble. Her arms tighten and she squeals so I grab her hips steadying her. She releases me enfolding her hands around my wrists that are still firmly holding her hips.

"Jerk," she utters, rubbing her soft hands up and down my forearms giving me goose bumps. I peak over at Amanda to find her flirting with the guys. My fingers wrap around her wrist yanking her along with me. I lead her around a locked cemented shed, where the school probably keeps their equipment. We're completely shielded from any wandering eyes so I shove her gently against the wall, standing close enough for her to see my eyes through the shady lenses. A grin forms on my lips and she returns it happily. Natalie's hands clasp the sides of my hoody loosely and she flips us around so my back is against the icy stone wall. In the process her head knocks into my glasses making them crooked. She snickers and lifts her hands to the edges of my glasses. Natalie pulls them off, sliding them onto her face. My eyelids blink wildly adjusting to the bright sun.

"Holy shit how much pot did you smoke," she laughs, observing my eyes.

"Not sure," I smirk.

"So much for keeping you out of trouble," she puffs out. I settle my palms on her hips skimming my cold fingers under her jacket and shirt.

"It's cold," I explain, enjoying the feeling of her skin against my hands. She shudders and presses her body against me with her arms pushed to my chest.

"You're freezing!" Her body feels so fucking good against mine. I look to her face, close enough to see her eyes are staring straight into mine.

"Give my glasses back. People will know I'm fucked up," I explain in a low voice since we're so close.

"I don't think that's the only thing that gives it away," Natalie sniggers. She slips the glasses downwards, resting them on her nose. My hands lower on her stomach and as I pull away I let my fingertips tug on the top of her pants. A strange look appears on her face for a moment as she gazes into my eyes. I take the sunglasses off her face and place them back over my eyes. My hands make their way to her jean clad waist, feeling cocky I move them backwards against the fabric so that my hands are resting just above her ass. A smirk appears on her lips at the motion. Her eyes glance down between our touching bodies then back into my shaded eyes. I want to kiss her...and I think she wants to kiss me too. The way she's looking at me it's like she's relishing this as much as I am. Her brown eyes are really dark and cloudy, which is confusing since the sun is out and it's so fucking bright. I think she wants me...it's like we're challenging one another to do something.

"What are you guys doing back here," Amanda slurs. I am so fucking pissed at her for just fucking popping up outta nowhere and ruining my moment. Fucking bitch.

"Nothin'," Natalie says in a plain tone. I look to her and she seems a bit put off.

"Come back over!" I really don't want to at fucking all.

Natalie looks to me for an answer so I shrug in response. She pushes just above my chest stepping back and I wish her hands had been a bit lower. Natalie wraps her fingers around my palm dragging me behind her as she follows Amanda. My eyes drop to her firm ass in her tight jeans, I bite my lip as I scan the back of her thighs and amazing ass. I'm just itching to reach out and touch her ass.

"You checking me out back there?" Gazing up at her I leer at the back of her head.

"Maybe...you do have a nice ass," I play. She looks over her shoulder and I allow her to catch me checking out her ass in those super tight jeans. Suddenly she stops and I run right into her ass. Natalie grinds her ass against my front making my stomach flop all over the place. My hands grip her waist pushing her forward.

"Tease," I breathe out shakily.

"You like it," Natalie winks. I really fucking do.

"What were you two doing," one of the boys asks seductively.

"Fucking," Natalie jokes in a serious tone. The boys snicker but I wish fucking were the case. I don't know anyone who doesn't get horny when they do drugs; it's basically a common side effect.

In the distance you can see a girl riding her bike and I really hope that's not who I think it is.

"Who's that," Natalie inquires. The bike rider rides up to us and I'm annoyed to see Alisha. She's fucking irritating but then again I am completely fucked up right now and Natalie's looking really good in those jeans so I couldn't give a fuck about Alisha.

"Hey guys," Alisha greets in that voice where you just wanna punch her in the fucking face. Amanda smiles and waves, she doesn't like her either. I mean we have Natalie to look after us if we do something stupid so she doesn't need to be here. Amanda starts playing around with one of the guys and Alisha moves her bike forward causing Amanda to fall over bashing her head on Alisha's bike peg. Alisha laughs hysterically while all the guys check to make sure she's okay.

"Don't be a dick," I warn Alisha jokingly but she better damn well know I'm not kidding. I help Amanda up and inspect the back of her head for some type of major injury.

"You okay," I inquire worried.

"Yeah," she slurs.

"She's high she can't feel it," Alisha insists. Fucking bitch.

"Fuck you," Amanda kicks her bike then walks off to the playground. That's Amanda for you.

As we all walk over to the play place I decide to reach into my pocket and grab a pill. Quickly I swallow it, trying my best to be as subtle as I can.

"I'm going to the swing," I holler. Running when your high is really fun but you look like a fucking idiot.

I can hear a bunch of laughter behind me as I drop down on the swing. Amanda takes the one next to me, and the first boy she was talking to is next to her, and then Alisha takes the last one. The other guys are trying to show off by doing stupid bike tricks that they seem to think is impressing.

"I'm sitting on you," Natalie exclaims.

"There's no room," I chuckle in a daze. I move back though wanting her body on mine. She faces me, gripping the chains. My face scrunches up in confusion giving her this odd look. Before I can ask her what's she's doing she jumps up and slips her legs on the sides so she's on my lap facing me with her legs on either side of my torso. Hurriedly I clutch securely onto the chains to keep us both from falling. I snicker loudly and she laughs along with me. We probably laugh for about ten minutes straight before it finally dies down.

"Ready?"

"Um for what," I ask. Natalie thrusts her body forward almost knocking me over once again.

"Swing!" I get the idea and swing my legs back and forth while Natalie thrusts her legs and body forward. She's like rubbing her body against mine and it feels incredible. We're going too fast and I start to freak out cause I'm losing my grip and I'm gonna fall backwards if we don't stop or slow down soon. I dig my heels into the ground to stop us but that was a really bad idea. We end up flipping the entire swing over and I hit the ground...hard. Why they use a shit load of tiny rocks to cover the play area for children I will never understand.

Natalie fell on top of me, slamming my body into the ground even more. When I open my eyes though I don't really mind the pain anymore. Natalie's straddling my hips but she completely face planted onto me so she's laying on top of me with her chin on my chest, staring up at me.

"Well that hurt," she chuckles. I giggle loudly nodding my head.

"Your hair's messed up," I laugh. She runs a hand through her hair a few times, trying to fix it and I can't help but laugh at her miserable attempts.

"Your hair looks worse," she scoffs. She stretches her hands up to my hair and I expect her to jumble it up more but instead she steadily fixes it, parting it correctly. Her hands slowly run through my hair smoothing it out.

"Your hair's really soft," she explains.

"You're really soft," I retort. She's really soft and her body on top of mine is driving me fucking crazy. She wiggles on top of me and sticks her tongue out before lifting herself up.

"How charming," I tell her, trying to hide my obvious disappointment. Natalie helps me up and to my surprise starts to brush off my ass.

"What are you doing," I chuckle. She rests her chin on my shoulder so I can smell her scent.

"You had something there," she whispers in a husky voice that is so incredibly sexy. Natalie's palms start to rub my ass in small circles. She squeezes tightly then slaps my ass with both of her hands, running away and laughing hysterically.

"Hey!" I chase after her trying to catch her but let's face it I'm really fucked up right now and everything's all fuzzy. Natalie eventually lets me catch her so I sling my arms around her waist grappling on tightly, she bends over trying to get away from me but we both know she's not trying too hard to get away.

"Okay fine you got me!" I reluctantly let go and smack her ass making her jump.

"Ow that was hard," she squeals.

"You liked it," I smirk. A grin spreads across her lips with a glint in her dark brown eyes.

"Let's go to CVS," Amanda screams out. Who doesn't go to CVS when they're high as fuck?

All the boys ended up leaving and we got stuck with stupid Alisha. Alisha is basically following us on her bike trying to involve herself in the conversation and Natalie is being really touchy feely with me. Right now she's got her arm locked around mine and has our fingers interlocked. Amanda and I are laughing hysterically pretty much for no reason and Alisha just keeps making fun of us but Natalie tells her to shut up. Damn straight!

"Let's play chicken," Amanda shouts when we get to the busy highway.

"What's that," I ask curiously.

"It's where you run across the road and try not to get hit," Amanda explains excitedly.

"No way," Natalie chuckles and pulls on my arm.

"Ready," Amanda asks. I nod my head and she counts off loudly.

"Go," she shouts. We take off across the street avoiding cars and I just barely dodge a big blue truck. We get between the two streets laughing uncontrollably.

"I'm gonna win," I chant. I sprint across the street without really paying attention. Car horns and screeching tires fill the air but I manage to get to the other side without getting hit and the best part is I beat Amanda. I pull out four pills and swallow them promptly as I start my victory dance.

"You cheated," she pants.

"How?"

"A car went in front of me so you had the upper hand!"

"You could've got hit," Natalie's voice fills my ears. I look to her grinning but it's ruined by Alisha.

"You guys are idiots," she laughs. Bitch.

My vision goes blurry so I squint my eyes to make things clearer. Everything's fuzzy and so beautiful…

"You okay," Natalie asks peering into my eyes. A full smile appears on my face as the figures around me are blended together giving off a warm fuzzy feeling. I trip over my foot and fall onto Natalie. She wraps my arm around her shoulder then wraps her arm around my torso holding me up.

"Careful sexy," she says in a soft voice. We walk down the street, Natalie helping me the entire way and with each breath she takes I can feel it hitting my cheek. I slump down wanting her to hold me tighter and she does, snickering the whole time. Finally we get to the stupid CVS.

"Try to act normal," Alisha says. Why is she still here?

Amanda sprits inside and Alisha follows behind her. I feel so good right now so fucking high that nothing in the world could take this awesome feeling away from me.

"I'll keep an eye on you," Natalie beams. We enter the store and follow the sound of Amanda's voice over to the cards. We spend over an hour playing the cards that made noises as well as playing with crutches and fighting each other with overpriced canes. Alisha spent the entire time making fun of us and Natalie only really paid attention to me, directing me to places and making sure I didn't do something really bad. CVS employees start to give us dirty looks as well as customers so we take off to avoid any trouble. I'm feeling a little better now but there's no way I'm telling Natalie that, she's still holding me up sorta with her arm wrapped warmly around my body. We get to the high way and once again Amanda and I race across the road charging full speed and earning us lots of glares and honking horns.

"I have to pee," Amanda whines.

"We're going back to your house," Natalie tells her.

"No I gotta pee now!"

"Ugh fine," Natalie sighs. We cross the road once more and decide not to go to CVS because we'll probably get kicked out or the cops called on us. Amanda makes us follow her a couple blocks till we end up in a parking lot near some small business restaurant I've never heard of before. Amanda grabs my hand and yanks me along with her.

"We'll be right out! Wait here," Amanda roars. We go into the bathroom and she runs into the stall. I take my glasses off and stare in the mirror at my reflection. My heart sinks at my reflection and I don't really like what I see. My eyes are puffy and bloodshot, there are dark bags under my eyes, my cheeks are bright red, my clothes are a bit ruffled and dirty, and my hairs a complete mess. Silently I slide my glasses back on my face and I reach into my pocket getting the remaining pills, which is either six or seven but I don't know and I don't really care. I look at my reflection once again but this time it's different, I mean I'm just wearing glasses but I don't recognize myself and I don't feel like myself. I pour the pills into my mouth, watching closely in the mirror as I swallow them.

"What you doing," Amanda asks.

"Nothing." We tread out and Natalie immediately attaches herself to my hip, she's got her arm wrapped around my waist and her fingers are playing with my belt loops. The walk seems extremely long but we eventually get back into Amanda's neighborhood and I am so fucked up right now, whether it's from the pot or the pills I really don't know but I feel so fucking incredible. My eyes scan over Natalie, her body's pressed against the side of mine with her hand around my hips. There's a bit of my skin peeking out and her wrist is rubbing against the small skin there. I wish her hand was inside of my pants rather than on the outside. Her jeans are so tight against her skin and low on her hips so that I can see her hip bones poking out and I really really want to touch and there's nothing really stopping me. My body drops to the ground almost taking Natalie with me.

"What are you doing crazy," she giggles. I smirk and sit up on my knees.

"I wanna eat you out," I slur. She giggles in response and doesn't stop my fingers touching her belt.

"Oh yeah?" I undo her belt and slide the tips of my fingers into her jeans.

"We're in public sexy maybe later," she chuckles. I start to tug on her jeans and she thrusts her hips into my face a few times then laughs as she helps me up. A frown forms on my lips so she kisses her hand then presses it to my cheek.

"Come on sexy," she wraps both arms around me, holding me the entire way to Amanda's house. When we get there Alisha stands there awkwardly.

"Well I gotta go..." You know the only reason I'm sad she's going is because now there's no one to keep Amanda busy so I can have fun with Natalie.

Alisha rides off and Amanda leads us to her room.

"I'm hungry," Amanda whines leaving Natalie and I alone in her room. Incredibly dirty and naughty thoughts race through my mind. I pounce on Amanda's bed pulling the covers up to my midriff.

"It's cold get in with me," I pout, wanting her under the covers with me.

"Nope," she shakes her head with a smirk. Natalie gets to the ground and starts to crawl under the bed.

"Come up here pllleeeaaassseee," I beg. There's so much we could do on the bed under the covers all alone in this room.

"No come down here, it's dark and secluded down here," her muffled voice replies. The thought of being in a small spot with Natalie makes my stomach do flips. Instantly I get out of the bed and start to sneak under it. Amanda has a single person bed so there's barely enough room for two people to be under here. I scoot across the carpeted floor getting even closer to her. Our legs, arms, and hips are touching. Were so close…close enough that I could lean in and kiss her. Natalie's eyes are extremely dark since were under the bed and she's staring straight into my eyes. Her hand reaches up, pulling the glasses off then she brings the end of the glasses up to her lips. Natalie starts to bite and suck on the end of the glasses, looking incredibly hot. She looks at me the whole time. Her wet tongue pokes out and my heart leaps out of my chest, imagining what else her tongue could to. She bites down and drags her teeth along the plastic, setting them down.

"Where are you guys," Amanda's voice interrupts. I've never hated someone so much before as I do right now.

"Down here," Natalie says.

"Weirdos," she slurs. Footsteps walk around then there's a loud plopping sound on the floor. Amanda mumbles something about prank calling people; whatever as long as she doesn't bother us I don't give a shit.

"I wanna eat you out," I whisper.

"I think you already did that in public," she chuckles. I squirm around trying to move down to her legs and I eventually place my head in front of her crotch. My fingers slide into the front of her jeans…

"Spread your legs," I say in a low voice. She tries to but there's little room for her to do so.

"I can't there's not enough room," she whines. So I lie there for a while with my head right next to her center, and my hand rubbing the top of her thigh.

"Come up here," she whispers. I make my way back up to her so I'm level with her but it isn't without great difficultly. Natalie gives me this seductive smile as her eyes scan over my face.

"You're so sexy," she husks out. I smirk and move even closer to her so our bodies our completely touching. Her hand finds its way to my hip and she slides it under my hoody, rubbing my side. It feels so good...I grind my hips into her and she looks down between us then back up at me. It's written all over our faces that she wants to kiss me and I want to kiss her. We're both daring each other to make the first move but neither of us is biting, just scooting closer and closer to each other. I can feel and hear her breathing and I'm sure she can feel and hear mine as well. I want her so bad I just want her to kiss me and shove her tongue in my mouth and bite my lip and fuck me. My body won't budge, if I kiss her that means crossing the friendship line into something else and neither of us is brave enough to do it, but it's more than clear we both want to. Natalie starts to lean in and my heart starts to pound in my chest and all I can process is that she's going to kiss me...and I want her to. My eyes shut and I wait impatiently for her lips to touch mine. A damp tongue touches the corner of my lips and is dragged deliberately across my cheek and to the back of my ear. I can feel myself getting turned on and wanting her to go even further…

"You taste good," she breathes into my ear. Natalie pulls away staring at me with so much desire that I just know she wants to fuck me too. I start to lean in...our foreheads and noses are touching but I can't will myself to kiss her. I know I want to but for some reason I can't take it where I want it to go. Any chance I had though is ruined when Amanda's head is popped under the bed, joining us. I wanna punch her and tell her to go fuck off.

"What are you guys doing?"

"Trying to make out," Natalie replies. I swear that it sounded like she was serious, but Amanda thinks she's joking and laughs it off. We all sit there and talk but I wish it was just me and Natalie. My hand lands on Natalie's stomach, she gives me a quick look but continues on with her conversation with Amanda. I move my hand under her clothes, pressing my palm against her flat stomach. First I let my hand slither up her slim figure; she breathes in and arches her torso a bit into my hand. My nails scratch along her ribs, moving from either side and by the way she's reacting I think she's enjoying it as much as I am. So I decide to go one step further and move my hand up her body even more until my fingers connect with a lacy bra. I run my fingertips along the wire for a while loving the feeling and then I get brave enough to move them up so I'm just barely touching the bottom of her breasts. Natalie shifts her body and my fingers graze over a hard nipple and I panic, ripping my hand away and settling it back on her tummy. I hear her sigh but I don't if it's out of relief or irritation. I'm so pissed at myself there's no fucking way I'll be able to move my hand back there.

Full of rage and confidence I move my hand lowers to her hips rubbing back and forth until the bottom of my palm it under her jeans where it's touching her panties as I move my hand against her skin. I can't urge myself to go lower even though I want to. Natalie places her hand over my wrist so I stop every motion. I'm surprised when she starts to massage my forearm with her fingertips so I continue once again with my movements. We stay like that for a good ten minutes before Amanda's mom tells us Natalie's mom is outside waiting. We all slide out from under the bed, and I look to Natalie sadly.

"Bye," she says to Amanda. I'm afraid she's not gonna say goodbye to me when I feel a warm body wrapping itself around mine. I grin happily and hug her back, feeling all of her curves pressed against me. Her hands move to my ass where she starts to massage and squeeze. I can feel her lips just barely touch my skin right behind my ear; they're a little bit wet but so soft. As she pulls away her mouth is placed in front of my ear, I know that because I can feel her breath tickling my skin.

"Bye sexy," she whispers. She squeezes my ass roughly pulling my hips into her. Her body is removed from mine and she winks at me, walking out of the room. Fuck me…

I call my parents, asking them to pick me up. Nothing can ruin my good mood right now. Amanda and I talk for a while and she helps me to sober up and look somewhat presentable. It's night time so it'll be hard to see my face anyways.

"You're ride's here," Amanda's mom tells me. She gives me a strange look and cranks her head to the side.

"You guys playing with make up or something," she asks.

"Yeah just messing around," I smirk. I tell Amanda goodbye and walk out to the van. My entire family is in the van and strangely they're all in a good mood and there's no fighting when I get in the car.

"Did you have fun," mom asks sweetly.

"Yeah," I smile. I sit in silence with a smile plastered on my face as the rest of my family talk to each other. I tune into the song that's playing in the background.

_Here we go again_

_I kinda wanna be more than friends_

_So take it easy on me_

_I'm afraid_

_You're never satisfied_

_Here we go again_

_We're sick like animals_

_We play pretend_

_You're just a cannibal_

_And I'm afraid I won't get out alive_

_No, I won't sleep tonight_

_Oh oh_

_I want some more_

_Oh oh_

_What are you waiting for?_

_Take a bite of my heart tonight…_

I play the lyrics over and over in my head thinking about Natalie and how much I want her and I can actually admit to myself that I wanna be more than friends...

**Author's Note:** First off I'm a dumbass for acting and making the choices I did. I hadn't known my girlfriend then and this is when things really started getting bad. Lol if I had known her she would've kicked my ass. You know I've accepted my past but I'm still paying for it. I AM TELLING YOU AND WARNING YOU IF YOU ARE DOING ANYTHING OR THINKING ABOUT DOING SOMETHING THAT CAN EFFECT YOUR SENSES, THINK ABOUT IT THOROUGHLY BEFORE YOU DO AND DON'T PUT YOURSELF IN AN ENVIORMENT WHERE YOU KNOW OR HAVE A FEELING THINGS CAN GO WRONG BECAUSE I PROMISE YOU THINGS WILL GO WRONG.

It really saddens me to see people on drugs putting themselves in terrible situations because I used to do that I just know that the outcome won't be positive. In the moment and maybe a few days after it will feel good but it will catch up to you and things will go the way you don't want them to. I know you can't just quit drugs and it's really hard I guess I just want to say to those who are struggling with any kind of addiction just be careful about the situations you're putting yourself in. You might not give a shit now or care about yourself but when the drugs wear off and you come to your senses those choices you made are really going to fuck with your head and there's no easy way to deal. I'm telling you I am still paying for my past now. Yeah you yourself can move on from your past but it doesn't mean others do and sure as hell doesn't mean it won't affect you. You have to decide how you let the past and what others say affect you. People are going to be assholes to you and you're going to struggle but one thing you have to remember is who you are now. We don't just change completely overnight it takes time. It's okay to look at who you used to be and yeah the past you is connected to you.

If you're trying to make a change though and you keep telling yourself this is who used to be and that's who I still am STOP DOING THAT! You want to change yourself but get that fucking idea out of your head that you're going to change right away. It could be days, weeks, months, years, even hours that you have started the journey to be a better person. Who you were an hour ago, years ago, days ago, months ago, weeks ago, or even ten fucking seconds ago that's not who you are now! If you're trying to change yourself in a positive way that's good! Don't tell yourself this is who I used to be. You tell yourself this is who I used to be weeks ago, hours ago, ten seconds ago, years ago, months ago, days ago, look who I am now and look how far I've come. Use that period of time as a positive outlook. That ten seconds, eight minutes, one hour, two weeks, six months, or one year, could've been a tremendous struggle on you but you made it that far. It's all about how you view it. One day could be a huge struggle for you and if you made it one day and stayed true to yourself that's an incredible accomplishment in my eyes. Remember guys if you're trying to make a change tell yourself this is who I used to be (whatever time period ago) look at how far I've come, look at how much I've changed, and look at who I am now. I don't know think about it guys. Later…


End file.
